I would like to recover..

[max_ryan_000]

Hey everyone, i am new in the SaSu forum... but i feel deeply connected with everyone here, and the pain most of us are going through that lead to us to feel this way.

So, let me just tell you how i started to become suicidal.. it is a recent thing, started about 2 years ago..

Btw, i am now 21 years old.

So, it might sound crazy, but it's the truth.. basically 2/3 years ago, i found a relatively famous practice on youtube and on internet, i don't want to say the name of it, just because i did vent to people about this practice before and what it did to me, and when i explained them what that practice was, they dismissed, laughed about what i said and said it's all anxiety and it's all on my mind.. so i felt judged..

After doing this practice for 1 week, i started to have physically difficulties breathing almost all day, and some other annoying symptoms, but the breathing issue was the one that bothered me the most.. but i heard in videos from people talking about the said practice, that it would get better, that's just the body adapting to that practice.

Now, i believe this practice caused me this, because i never had no issue breathing before until i did this practice. I was fine!

So i kept doing it, month after month, and eventually 1 year passed, the body got used to that practice, but i started to become worried because, i still had the difficulties breathing, and never in my life did i have any issues breathing.

So i decided to stop doing that practice, it was incredibly hard to stop it at first, because my body really got used to it, but i did stop, but i still have difficulties breathing almost 24/7 and a constant discomfort.

I went to a lot of doctos, did lots of exams, to my lungs and other areas, and all exams said i'm fine, and some doctors also said it's anxiety.. well i thought mayhe it could be, even though i don't feel anxious.. Doctors prescribed me Xanax, and i started taking it, after 2 months of taking it everyday, i noticed i still had the difficulties breathing everyday, and thought taking these meds were a waste of time, because they didn't help at all, and i never took meds before in my life.

And from there on, i started to lose hope of my breathing getting back to normal, this makes me feel sad and mad almost all day about the constant difficulty breathing i have now, and so i started to search methods of CTB on the internet, and i saw some people saying that mixing benzos & alcohol it's dangerous and could be deadly, so without knowing much about this whole subject, i tried that... mixed the xans i had left and drank vodka...

Well, i simply blacked out, went to the hospital, but no major side effects, other than being even more suicidal. It obviously didn't work.

I would like to recover, but everytime i tell myself i will try to, when i start to feel that bigger difficulty breathing, where i have to force myself to inhale and i also feel pain in my chest a lot of times now when i breath, in those moments i start to feel discouraged and feeling like it will never go back to normal, and this has affected my quality of life a LOT.

And also, i be having thought in those moments like "what if it never gets better, no matter how much i try to recover" makes me afraid and i rather end it all now if it never gets better.

But i used to have a relatively good life before, i used to workout regularly, to do meditation in the morning daily, and i felt at peace. I desire to have that back..

But now, it might sound silly, but because of difficulty breathing i have all the time i hate my life, i feel like shit everyday, and i feel hopeless because doctors haven't been able to help me at all, nor did the meds they prescribed me.

I am sorry if these kind of posts are not allowed, but since deep inside i'd like to recover if possible, do you think it's worth it to keep trying, maybe things might go back to normal?

What would you personally do if you were in my place?

Thanks everyone.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum. Nobody will judge you here. I'd like to know what kind of "practice" that was - but ofc you don't have to say it if you don't want to. I believe you that issues with breathing are annoying. Idk what you can actually do. You had many examinations and they didn't find the reason for it.

 

[Dark Window]

I cannot advise you unless I know what the practice was.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Was it some sort of meditation/mindfullness practice with breathing exercises? That's how I got problems breathing, as in chronical hyperventilation I think. Now I have it mostly when I feel tension or am stressed, like almost every day. What medication have you tried already? Of it's stress related, an antipsychotic medicine could work.

 

[max_ryan_000]

I cannot advise you unless I know what the practice was.

Okay i don't mind telling, but i'd prefer to tell you through Private Messages, but i don't think i am able to send you a message, can you send me one, so i can answer you back?

 

[max_ryan_000]

Was it some sort of meditation/mindfullness practice with breathing exercises? That's how I got problems breathing, as in chronical hyperventilation I think. Now I have it mostly when I feel tension or am stressed, like almost every day. What medication have you tried already? Of it's stress related, an antipsychotic medicine could work.

No.. actually my experience with mindfulness exercises, before doing this practice, was good, it actually made me feel more at peace.

I would like to tell you what practice it was, but i'd prefer to do it through provate messages, but i think i am not allowed to create new conversation because i am new in the forum.. how can i do it?

Well i tried anti-depressants, like Zoloft, and also xanax and other benzodiazepines, but xanax was the one i have been taking for a longer time.

Welcome to the forum. Nobody will judge you here. I'd like to know what kind of "practice" that was - but ofc you don't have to say it if you don't want to. I believe you that issues with breathing are annoying. Idk what you can actually do. You had many examinations and they didn't find the reason for it.

Yes, i am okay with telling you, but i'd prefer to do it through private messages if it's okay, but i don't seem to be able to create a conversation, how can i send you the message?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yes, i am okay with telling you, but i'd prefer to do it through private messages if it's okay, but i don't seem to be able to create a conversation, how can i send you the message?

You can send me a PM (Conversation) at any time but you will need some more posts, then chat, PM and forum search is accessible to you. Feel free to send me a PM when ever you want, I reply asap.

 

[mellie5]

Hello -

I have no idea what you found on YT, but in the same way that you got used to that unusual practice, you will get used to regular breathing.

I have no idea what you did, but the diaphragm (breathing muscle) is a muscle and will get back to its usual work. If you have anxiety/panic attacks that might "complicate" breathing, and getting alprazolam prescribed suggests some kind of anxiety problem.

Imho eventually you will be fine. CTB ideas are ideas, if they start becoming too concrete then chat with a doctor you trust (possibly a psychiatrist, not a GP, they are not specialised in this). It sounds like you got a bad habit and you are leaving it - very good.

As for the anxiety, it will pass, changes make often people anxious. As for CTB try not to dwell on it and overthink. From what you said you should be fine. Ofc if there is an actual imminent threat to life that is a medical emergency, so make a phone call. That's their job.

 

[max_ryan_000]

You can send me a PM (Conversation) at any time but you will need some more posts, then chat, PM and forum search is accessible to you. Feel free to send me a PM when ever you want, I reply asap.

Look i am not able to send a PM, i will just speak about that practice in this thread.. fuck it ahah.

Basically, 3 years ago, i found on youtube this practice called "Mewing", is basically a practice that suggests that there is a "correct tongue posture/position" at rest, and that position the whole tongue, pressed against the roof of the mouth/palate.

Video i saw about mewing :

Basically i got interested on it, because people on internet said Mewing gave you a more chiseled/defined jawline, and i am a man, and which man wouldn't like to have a even better jawline for free?

So i started to do it, and started to have those symptoms from mewing.

And i know there is people who did mewing and say everything is fine with them, well but it's not with me, it messed me up big time...

It also made me aware of my where tongue stayed in my mouth 24/7 when i was doing it, my head hurt from constantly being aware of my tongue position, i kinda got paranoid with this shit also...

Before this, i never ever thought about where my tongue rested, i almost didn't even know i had a tongue, because it never crossed my mind of where my tongue should stay or not...

Then in order to stop mewing, i started to wonder where my tongue rested before i did this practice, and i didn't know for sure, because i did not think about it ever before, but i did remember that it used to stay in the bottom of my mouth.

I kind of get a cringe feeling when speaking about this shit, because it feels like such a weird topic, because no one that i knows irl must ever thought about where their tongue stayed lol, that's why i usually keep it to myself, i got a bad experience being looked weirdly when speaking about this practice in real life.

But i must admit that, there have been a few rare moments throughout this process of stopping that practice, where i felt slightly better... but most of the time i still feel bad.

And deep inside i don't want to end my all life, but by all means i am pro-life, some people really have situations where they would be more at peace if they CTB even if they are terminally ill in medical standards.

But yes... that's basically it..

 

[max_ryan_000]

Hello -

I have no idea what you found on YT, but in the same way that you got used to that unusual practice, you will get used to regular breathing.

I have no idea what you did, but the diaphragm (breathing muscle) is a muscle and will get back to its usual work. If you have anxiety/panic attacks that might "complicate" breathing, and getting alprazolam prescribed suggests some kind of anxiety problem.

Imho eventually you will be fine. CTB ideas are ideas, if they start becoming too concrete then chat with a doctor you trust (possibly a psychiatrist, not a GP, they are not specialised in this). It sounds like you got a bad habit and you are leaving it - very good.

As for the anxiety, it will pass, changes make often people anxious. As for CTB try not to dwell on it and overthink. From what you said you should be fine. Ofc if there is an actual imminent threat to life that is a medical emergency, so make a phone call. That's their job.

Thanks alot man/woman! I think it's a mix of the practice i did + anxiety as well.. but i hate when doctors told me it's all anxiety, because i know it's not only that... this practice (that i already quoted in the comments) did mess me up, i don't think it's permanent, but it has been hard...

Sometimes i feel like doctors look at me like i am crazy when i explain this practice i did, they instantly dismiss my complaints, just prescribing some meds and tell i'm good to go, and i tried what they suggest and it did not fix the issue.

I do hope things get better... i have so many things i used to enjoy in life, like going for walks in the nature, working out, doing meditation, those things made this hard life feel a little easier...

Thanks for the encouraging words... i need to find the strength to keep going, i am afraid to CTB to be honest... because no methods (other than nembutal, which i don't have access to) seem to be painless, and SN death might leave you looking blue because of cyanosis, and i don't want my mother have have that last image of me.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Look i am not able to send a PM, i will just speak about that practice in this thread.. fuck it ahah.

Basically, 3 years ago, i found on youtube this practice called "Mewing", is basically a practice that suggests that there is a "correct tongue posture/position" at rest, and that position the whole tongue, pressed against the roof of the mouth/palate.

Video i saw about mewing :

Basically i got interested on it, because people on internet said Mewing gave you a more chiseled/defined jawline, and i am a man, and which man wouldn't like to have a even better jawline for free?

So i started to do it, and started to have those symptoms from mewing.

And i know there is people who did mewing and say everything is fine with them, well but it's not with me, it messed me up big time...

It also made me aware of my where tongue stayed in my mouth 24/7 when i was doing it, my head hurt from constantly being aware of my tongue position, i kinda got paranoid with this shit also...

Before this, i never ever thought about where my tongue rested, i almost didn't even know i had a tongue, because it never crossed my mind of where my tongue should stay or not...

Then in order to stop mewing, i started to wonder where my tongue rested before i did this practice, and i didn't know for sure, because i did not think about it ever before, but i did remember that it used to stay in the bottom of my mouth.

I kind of get a cringe feeling when speaking about this shit, because it feels like such a weird topic, because no one that i knows irl must ever thought about where their tongue stayed lol, that's why i usually keep it to myself, i got a bad experience being looked weirdly when speaking about this practice in real life.

But i must admit that, there have been a few rare moments throughout this process of stopping that practice, where i felt slightly better... but most of the time i still feel bad.

And deep inside i don't want to end my all life, but by all means i am pro-life, some people really have situations where they would be more at peace if they CTB even if they are terminally ill in medical standards.

But yes... that's basically it..

I second what @mellie5 already said.

Honestly, I never heard about such "practices". I hope you can find a way to recover.

 

[jarik]

I wish you the best, I wish you a better rehabilitation