I would like to end my life, but I can't because of the consequences, what should I do?

[inteyvat]

I am not a native speaker, so I apologize for inaccurate expressions or mistakes.

I am 19 years old and have been dreaming about suicide since I was 12 years old because of problems in my family. My father may have committed suicide when I was about 4 years old, although it was described as an accident (fell out the window) after a while I realize that maybe he did it on purpose because of his young age, maybe he was depressed by thoughts of responsibility.

And ever since I can remember (10 years old), my mother has been constantly humiliating and hitting me, it continues to this day (a little less often than before my 18th birthday, but still continues).

I have tried to quit my life several times already, but I am stopped by strange accidents, such as a broken rope, which was in good condition (it was a very good rope) or a lucky fall from the ninth floor, which ended with only a slight fracture of my arm.

And now I'm thinking about another attempt with pills and sleeping pills, but I'm still not sure it won't get my family in trouble. I have a little sister, and my suicide could probably get her sent to an orphanage and her mother taken away from her parental rights.

I shudder to think how my death will affect them, even though they hate me.
I'd like to think it's not my problem, but I can't forgive myself if it happens.

I don't know what to do, should I try to leave my life again or wait until I am in my 20s.
I would appreciate any advice on what I should do.

 

[RichardFirst]

This is a complex situation. I commend your thinking of your little sister, and it says a lot about you that you would stay here for her sake.

Surviving a fall from such a high is miraculous in the extreme. Perhaps it is not yet your time, and something is keeping you here. I've strongly of the mind that when its time to go, it will seem obvious to us, but as you are conflicted, it is perhaps not yet your time?

 

[inteyvat]

This is a complex situation. I commend your thinking of your little sister, and it says a lot about you that you would stay here for her sake.

Surviving a fall from such a high is miraculous in the extreme. Perhaps it is not yet your time, and something is keeping you here. I've strongly of the mind that when its time to go, it will seem obvious to us, but as you are conflicted, it is perhaps not yet your time?

Thank you for your response.
Reading your answer, I probably thought for the first time in four years that surviving a fall from the ninth floor was unbelievable luck, I used to think it was terrible bad luck.