Venting I would do my boyfriend a favor

[AnonymousL]

So I've always felt so guilty whenever I felt suicidal. When I looked at my boyfriend I knew I would destroy his happiness, I would give him some sort of trauma, I would cause him to go to therapy for a while.

But yesterday.
That changed.

I don't know why it changed.

I know I'll still cause everything above but I didn't feel that guilty feeling that was destroying me in silence.

I felt like I would do him a favor.

Yes he will be sad, need therapy,...
but I'm his first serious girlfriend. And I'm depressed as fuck, I have Anxiety, probably BPD and lots and lots of trauma.
That's now what he deserves.

He deserves a happy girlfriend that doesn't struggle this much, that doesn't feel like she should end it. He deserves a long future with all the happy stuff with someone else.

While I love him with my whole heart, I can't see that happen. It would eat me up. So I can't break up with him and go on with life. That's quite selfish now that I'm writing it down.
But humans are designed to be selfish I guess.

I'm just gonna continue life until I feel ready.. but that guilty feeling that was 1 of the only reasons why I'm still alive at this point, has dissapeared.

I don't know if it will stay that way, maybe it will change.

But for now it feels like relief

 

[piddincir]

I am sorry to read your struggles and I have lived it from the other side first hand so can offer some insight.

ultimately you have to make the right decision for yourself on what to do. If you truly feel that you can't go on then I get that.

I recently lost my wife and soulmate of 10 years to suicice, I came back one day from work and found her body. She had struggled most of her life with metal health issues but a lot with sucicial ideation and was very impulsive so had attempted a few times in life before she met me. She fell on hard times this year and it all culminated in her taking her own life last month. I know it wasn't something she planned but felt intensely and quickly spiralled to not seeing a way out, as weird as it sounds she did want to live but struggled with life.

I know for some things she told me the month before she felt similarity to you, that my life would be better off without me and that I deserved someone better, I had told her that was not the case at all and I loved her more than anything (I still do and always will), I was always there for her through the good and the bad times and pulled her through, I know she could never have directly hurt me and I know she would have thought in that moment she was setting me free.

In reality she has destroyed my world, and I am not blaming her for this, but she's broken me beyond repair and I know I can't live without her. I know she had struggled on for me and it wasn't a selfish choice, I think it was probably the hardest choice she ever made.

Suicide is always hard on those left behind but you have to do what is right for you. I know the trauma and pain my own suicide will cause my friends and family but I will do it anyway, its a cruel twist of fate that I understand her struggles more than I ever could now

One last point to add, dont let him find your body because that will traumatise him even more, I still get vivd flashbacks to finding my wife's body that will haunt me forever

 

[AnonymousL]

I am sorry to read your struggles and I have lived it from the other side first hand so can offer some insight.

ultimately you have to make the right decision for yourself on what to do. If you truly feel that you can't go on then I get that.

I recently lost my wife and soulmate of 10 years to suicice, I came back one day from work and found her body. She had struggled most of her life with metal health issues but a lot with sucicial ideation and was very impulsive so had attempted a few times in life before she met me. She fell on hard times this year and it all culminated in her taking her own life last month. I know it wasn't something she planned but felt intensely and quickly spiralled to not seeing a way out, as weird as it sounds she did want to live but struggled with life.

I know for some things she told me the month before she felt similarity to you, that my life would be better off without me and that I deserved someone better, I had told her that was not the case at all and I loved her more than anything (I still do and always will), I was always there for her through the good and the bad times and pulled her through, I know she could never have directly hurt me and I know she would have thought in that moment she was setting me free.

In reality she has destroyed my world, and I am not blaming her for this, but she's broken me beyond repair and I know I can't live without her. I know she had struggled on for me and it wasn't a selfish choice, I think it was probably the hardest choice she ever made.

Suicide is always hard on those left behind but you have to do what is right for you. I know the trauma and pain my own suicide will cause my friends and family but I will do it anyway, its a cruel twist of fate that I understand her struggles more than I ever could now

One last point to add, dont let him find your body because that will traumatise him even more, I still get vivd flashbacks to finding my wife's body that will haunt me forever

First of all.. I want to thank you to take the time and respond to my post.

I'm extremely sorry for your loss.

Most people think choosing suicide is selfish but you're right. It's probably the most difficult choice I, maybe you and so many other people will ever have to make.

My ex boyfriend , who turned into my best friend after a mutual break up told me 2 years ago that he finally understood how I felt all that time.. 2 months later he ended his life.
I felt a lot of emotions the past 2 years going from regret to devastation but after some time I felt acceptance. And maybe happiness? Even though that is a bit weird to say. I am happy that he found peace. That he is in a better place.

I hope my family and my boyfriend can eventually feel the same. Happy for me.
I hope everyone dealing with the loss of someone who committed suicide can feel that way too including your family if you choose to do the same.

May I ask, did she leave a note for you? And did you wish she did the opposite (leave/not leave a note)


I don't want anyone related to me to find my body so I will go to a hotel and book it for 3-4 nights and probably do it on the second night when I am ready. I will cause everyone enough pain and trauma already I don't want to cause them even more suffering.


I hope you and your soulmate get reunited in whatever is after this life.

Thank you

 

[piddincir]

Thank you for your response, it sounds like you've given this some thought which is good.

My wife didn't leave a note this time. Let me elaborate, she lost her job back in April in pretty bad circumstances that started her down a road that spiralled to her taking her own life.

Back in April a few weeks after this, she had written a note and had planned to take her own life, She said that writing the note she couldn't do that to me and didn't get any further than this. Annoyingly she had locked the note on Notes on her iPhone and couldn't remember the password she had set, she had typed it in wrong and we couldn't get into it. I have been trying to unsuccessfully hack it to this day. She had promised me should could never do this to me and I know it wasn't a promise she could keep, but it was never a promise she could make either, so I dont blame her and I can understand it better now than I ever could before, I will Never really accept it but that's just because I can't accept a world she's not in. I know I had kept her alive longer and she had the best years of her life with me. Had things gone differently she would still be here for sure, it's weird to say but I know she would have wanted to live but always had the potential to do this inside her. it's also not helpful to play the what if game, I accept this has happened and accept my own fate.

I know this time, she would have known this and was very impulsive so I know she decided to do it and acted very quickly before thinking and part of me knows had she written a note she wouldn't have been able to go through with it again.

We knew and understood each other very very well. Whilst I will never know what made her snap that day I can make a guess, a pretty informed guess, it was more of death by 1000 cuts than one big event that she couldn't see an escape out of. I know she didn't plan to do it that day it was just a negative spiral of suicidal ideation - I knew this was always in her, she had told me she had attempted a few times before me and happened once in our relationship about 8 years ago when we were first together .

Would a note have helped? that is a tough one to answer, I think for me it wouldn't have made a difference because I know really why she did it, that said I am still trying to hack into the old note, I have written my own one too and things she didn't think of like what to do with our possessions, things not even of value like sentimental things our families would like to have. I also wrote her eulogy as it's the last thing I will do for her.