I won't get out of this shit

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

These days of isolation I have been trying to distract myself at home by doing some activities like exercise, playing music and watching movies but I feel like I cannot improve. Suicidal thoughts are still there. And I can't be like this. I'm so embarrased of myself and part of this is because I am a little perfectionist and there are things that I can't correct. I don't want to cope with them. I don't want to accept things I want to change but I can't. It's difficult for me. I know things could get worse and I should appreciate things that I have (family, friends, job, money to buy things i like) but I feel like I'm trapped and that I'll be like this for the rest of my life. Can't get out. Suicide is always in my mind. Everyday. I play chess sometimes so I can full concentrate and forget about suicide. I do it just for that. But chess helps me to make better decisions. And suicide is the most important decision of my life. If I know things won't get better. What am I waiting?

 

[faust]

I may be wrong, but guess you are waiting for the right time to come.
It is like when you want to give up smoking but continue smoking. And then you see the spell out of the clouds and you decide to do this.
Maybe this works the same principle for you, idk.
Wish you all the best anyway :)

 

[waterbottleman]

These days of isolation I have been trying to distract myself at home by doing some activities like exercise, playing music and watching movies but I feel like I cannot improve. Suicidal thoughts are still there. And I can't be like this. I'm so embarrased of myself and part of this is because I am a little perfectionist and there are things that I can't correct. I don't want to cope with them. I don't want to accept things I want to change but I can't. It's difficult for me. I know things could get worse and I should appreciate things that I have (family, friends, job, money to buy things i like) but I feel like I'm trapped and that I'll be like this for the rest of my life. Can't get out. Suicide is always in my mind. Everyday. I play chess sometimes so I can full concentrate and forget about suicide. I do it just for that. But chess helps me to make better decisions. And suicide is the most important decision of my life. If I know things won't get better. What am I waiting?

Yeah same here. I don't know what I'm waiting for either. I have my SN and meto right with me, could end it all right now if I desired to.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

It sucks to have hope when you feel almost completely hopeless. Waiting on something that might or might not happen. Trying desperately to find reasons to go just...one...more...day...I know the feeling all too well. It's a perpetual hell you want to escape from, but just can't seem to either way. Heart goes out to you.