Previously on WornOutLife's life (no pun intended):
• I WON'T CTB PART I
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So, on that thread, almost a month ago, I had decided that I wouldn't ctb. I felt strong, sure about life, motivated about living but... I didn't know the hell that was waiting for me!
Do I still want to live? YES, I DO! However, if you plan on giving life one more shot let me tell you:
-There will be more DOWNS than UPS. Just like me, you're suicidal and tend to be depressed right? Well, that won't suddenly disappear. It's a very slow process. I quit therapy because it didn't work (I was just asked how I was and what I would do the following day lol) but I'm seeing a psychiatrist who's prescribed me lamotrigine 200mg so that I would be more mentally stable and it's amazing, I actually am! So, I can't assure you that one of these options will work for you too but you could give them a try.
-You will still fantasize about CTB and the different methods. It's part of us. We want a quick and painless method and even if you wanna live, you'll want to have an easy way out in case things go south.
-Do you consume any drugs or alcohol? Well, if you do, you should try to quit them because so far, you've been suicidal in spite of taking them. Look at me! I love alcohol. I used to consume it everyday but I only get 2-3 hours of happiness and then the suicidal and hellish hangovers came. I'm still drinking but decreasing the amount of alcohol I drink little by little! Hey, 15 bottles of champagne a week is not the same than 2 bottles of champagne a week! As long as there's some progress, you're awesome!
-You'll need hobbies. I was one of those who used to say: "I feel unmotivated to do anything and I just don't have passion for anything. I have no hobbies."
Well, that way of thinking will only make you more suicidal. There are MILLIONS of things to do! You just gotta find them and once you enjoy them, your days will have some joy at least. It could be a videogame, a book, watching movies, etc.
In my case, it was working out and learning japanese. I exercise everyday (just some weight lifting and long walks/jogging/running) and I'm learning japanese! I used to study this language before but I had become so depressed that I dropped it. Now, it's one of my reasons for living. I will probably won't speak japanese once I'm dead but hey, I'll be able to enjoy it as long as I live haha.
-Social life could help. I've started dating girls (not that many, just a few) and talking to my ex friends, who're becoming friends with me again. (no pun intended, again). I've even met great people here. You help me so much, THANK YOU! I'm doing my best to help you too!
Thus, this will be all for today. I'm doing better but I have days in which I wanna give up and ctb. Recovery is not and will never be easy. I'm fighting suicide, overweight, depression and alcohol here. It's 4 on 1. Really unfair but...maybe you and me can win this battle if we're persistent?
Anyway, see you on PART III! I will let you know how I'm doing there. This is my way of venting. It really helps me but sorry if you got bored reading this!
Hugs and love,
Matt
• I WON'T CTB PART I
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, on that thread, almost a month ago, I had decided that I wouldn't ctb. I felt strong, sure about life, motivated about living but... I didn't know the hell that was waiting for me!
Do I still want to live? YES, I DO! However, if you plan on giving life one more shot let me tell you:
-There will be more DOWNS than UPS. Just like me, you're suicidal and tend to be depressed right? Well, that won't suddenly disappear. It's a very slow process. I quit therapy because it didn't work (I was just asked how I was and what I would do the following day lol) but I'm seeing a psychiatrist who's prescribed me lamotrigine 200mg so that I would be more mentally stable and it's amazing, I actually am! So, I can't assure you that one of these options will work for you too but you could give them a try.
-You will still fantasize about CTB and the different methods. It's part of us. We want a quick and painless method and even if you wanna live, you'll want to have an easy way out in case things go south.
-Do you consume any drugs or alcohol? Well, if you do, you should try to quit them because so far, you've been suicidal in spite of taking them. Look at me! I love alcohol. I used to consume it everyday but I only get 2-3 hours of happiness and then the suicidal and hellish hangovers came. I'm still drinking but decreasing the amount of alcohol I drink little by little! Hey, 15 bottles of champagne a week is not the same than 2 bottles of champagne a week! As long as there's some progress, you're awesome!
-You'll need hobbies. I was one of those who used to say: "I feel unmotivated to do anything and I just don't have passion for anything. I have no hobbies."
Well, that way of thinking will only make you more suicidal. There are MILLIONS of things to do! You just gotta find them and once you enjoy them, your days will have some joy at least. It could be a videogame, a book, watching movies, etc.
In my case, it was working out and learning japanese. I exercise everyday (just some weight lifting and long walks/jogging/running) and I'm learning japanese! I used to study this language before but I had become so depressed that I dropped it. Now, it's one of my reasons for living. I will probably won't speak japanese once I'm dead but hey, I'll be able to enjoy it as long as I live haha.
-Social life could help. I've started dating girls (not that many, just a few) and talking to my ex friends, who're becoming friends with me again. (no pun intended, again). I've even met great people here. You help me so much, THANK YOU! I'm doing my best to help you too!
Thus, this will be all for today. I'm doing better but I have days in which I wanna give up and ctb. Recovery is not and will never be easy. I'm fighting suicide, overweight, depression and alcohol here. It's 4 on 1. Really unfair but...maybe you and me can win this battle if we're persistent?
Anyway, see you on PART III! I will let you know how I'm doing there. This is my way of venting. It really helps me but sorry if you got bored reading this!
Hugs and love,
Matt
