Venting I wonder how many lurkers hate me

[Abyssal]

Everyone demonizes us. I do everything I can to be my best self, but I still interact with others on here and give advice when I deem people are being rash in their attempts/questions. Sometimes I talk about how much the world sucks and how much I suffer internally.

To many people, even those I know in real life who aren't aware of my views on suicide or my past attempts, would seem me an unforgivable evil on the human race. I wonder if my own mother would still love me if she saw everything I've said. Probably not.

There are people probably reading this message and thinking that I am cruel and disgusting. Does it bother anyone else knowing there or people coming to the forum and being disgusted by it?

 

[Achromatix]

Just keep doing you <3 everyone has their own thoughts and opinions, while you may feel some negative, you also have many people who appreciate you a whole bunch! If anyone came to the forum randomly and sleep on how nice you are, then that's their loss. It might not mean much, but I hope you can find some peace in knowing you have some nice friends here willing to support you too :)

 

[Life_and_Death]

Does it bother anyone else knowing there or people coming to the forum and being disgusted by it?

go ahead and hate me youre only proving my point by not even trying to understand where im coming from. my loved ones understand how i feel even if they dont agree with me.

 

[Abyssal]

go ahead and hate me youre only proving my point by not even trying to understand where im coming from. my loved ones understand how i feel even if they dont agree with me.

Your loved ones sound like good people. I don't know them like you do, so maybe I am mistaken, but it's nice to know you have someone understanding in your life.

There are those who love selfishly, wanting only to keep you alive without bothering to understand us, and then there are those who truly listen even if they disagree with the method. Even if someone were to disagree with my choice to ctb, I'd be happy that they just tried to understand me at all.

Unfortunately I feel many come here with a biased impression that we are evil and tunnel vision on what fits that narrative. To some, I probably do, and that makes me sad.

 

[nopointinlivingg]

It's definitely a sobering thought. Personally I'm used to people at best not accepting my thoughts and feelings, and at worst demonizing them and twisting them to be unrecognizable. So I can't say it bothers me.

 

[breezeboy]

Imagine spending your energy hating on suicidal people online.
Like we don't already hate ourselves lol

 

[new2blue]

Unfortunately I feel many come here with a biased impression that we are evil and tunnel vision on what fits that narrative. To some, I probably do, and that makes me sad.

What is evil about you? From my position you seem alright to me. As for what we discuss here, we say aloud what other only think. We all suffer as humans. Sometimes we suffer more than others. Sometimes we are simply unequipped to deal with the same suffering. People only judge because they have not lived in hell before. I am under the impression most people would not survive a day in our shoes. They would run back to their lives, thankful for their mind, body, and life circumstances. Who cares what they think anyway. We are all on your side. :)

 

[koro]

Well I don't know you, but I like you, and that is true, I don't see anything evil in you.

I only hate it when people lie for no reason or only think about themselves

Either way I hope someone nice comes to you and gives you a hug, everyone needs a hug from time to time

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

My experience thus far, for the short time that I have been here, has been that this forum is pretty non-judgemental for the most part. I think most people here understand that CTBers may or may not be in the right state of mind at any given time and just want to be heard. And agreeing to disagree is perfetly fine. That is why I like to hang out here.

This might be the image you have of lurkers in your mind:

But in reality, I think it's more like this lol:

 

[Mitsumi]

I'm sure you have your own reasons. Not wanting someone to die is one thing. Hating them because they want to die or tried to before is a totally different matter. Hope you feel better.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

Everyone demonizes us. I do everything I can to be my best self, but I still interact with others on here and give advice when I deem people are being rash in their attempts/questions. Sometimes I talk about how much the world sucks and how much I suffer internally.

To many people, even those I know in real life who aren't aware of my views on suicide or my past attempts, would seem me an unforgivable evil on the human race. I wonder if my own mother would still love me if she saw everything I've said. Probably not.

There are people probably reading this message and thinking that I am cruel and disgusting. Does it bother anyone else knowing there or people coming to the forum and being disgusted by it?

Just from reading this I see you as someone who is extremely caring and nice incased in a disgusting and chaotic world. Its not you who is evil nor your soul but this world and the power and circumstances that govern it.
May you reach your greatest desire whether that be in this reality or the next

 

[Forever Sleep]

I probably just look at those people (the more aggressive ones anyway) and think- you're probably the reason so many people feel like this to begin with! The ones who are really outspoken seem like bullies. It's kind of jarring actually. Occassionally, one will make an account here. They may start of nice but it soon turns nasty. They come out with things people here would never say because it's so manipulative and cruel. I just find on regular platforms like YouTube, there are some utterly vile people out there! Obviously- they aren't representative of everyone but- plenty of people are here because they've been bullied by the so-called 'normies'.

Not all of them of course. Some will be grieving families and I do feel bad for them. The pain has got to be awful and I expect they're just looking for people to blame because it probably hurts too much to blame their loved one that did it (made the choice to leave them with that grief) or worse- if they feel any guilt or blame themselves over what they did or didn't do. Some though- can still see this place for what it is. We once had an extrordinarily brave bereaved mother come on to say she was grateful her daughter had people to talk to before she CTB. She was incredible!

Others may genuinely feel that this isn't a healthy place for people. I personally believe that's something we all need to take responsibility for ourselves and people do. People have in fact left the site or moved to the recovery section because the pessimism was getting to them. Honestly- I don't think many pro-lifers give us enough credit for knowing our own mind. I do actually feel that someone who is actively rejecting ideas of recovery likely won't want to even try it. It's like that saying: 'You can only lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink.' That goes for recovery and suicide I would say. People make their own choices.

It kind of annoys me to be honest. I feel like- if they hate this place so strongly then- they need to be creating a better alternative! Somewhere people feel as free to talk about these things and then they can decide on how best to help them. I think they need to see for themselves whether their approach would work... I doubt it in all cases.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think you bring a very perceptive and grounded perspective to the forum. Qualities that aren't always in ample supply.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Don't care so much about lurkers. You are a caring and loving person!

 

[hopeless08]

Everyone demonizes us. I do everything I can to be my best self, but I still interact with others on here and give advice when I deem people are being rash in their attempts/questions. Sometimes I talk about how much the world sucks and how much I suffer internally.

To many people, even those I know in real life who aren't aware of my views on suicide or my past attempts, would seem me an unforgivable evil on the human race. I wonder if my own mother would still love me if she saw everything I've said. Probably not.

There are people probably reading this message and thinking that I am cruel and disgusting. Does it bother anyone else knowing there or people coming to the forum and being disgusted by it?

Why do you think you're an unforgivable evil on the human race? The evil is the universe and all those out there judging them us… That's true evil

 

[IWishToDie]

Everyone demonizes us. I do everything I can to be my best self, but I still interact with others on here and give advice when I deem people are being rash in their attempts/questions. Sometimes I talk about how much the world sucks and how much I suffer internally.

To many people, even those I know in real life who aren't aware of my views on suicide or my past attempts, would seem me an unforgivable evil on the human race. I wonder if my own mother would still love me if she saw everything I've said. Probably not.

There are people probably reading this message and thinking that I am cruel and disgusting. Does it bother anyone else knowing there or people coming to the forum and being disgusted by it?

I think it's silly to take a strictly death for all no help is possible position, or the alternative anti-suicide everything will be fine no matter what position. Putting your opinion in a box is stupid, a-grade stupid. If nothing will truly help and you want to die, you should be assisted in death through information or supply. If there's hope for you and your life isn't that bad, it's always useful to take advice and keep on trucking. It's a balance.