I wish no one thinks they love me so that I can end it all already

[jr331199]

Even though I know someone loves me and I love them too I feel so alone. I just wish family didn't exist just so there's no one keeping me alive, I wish I had no one who claims to love me so that I just die. I feel so irreparable inside that it feels futile to distract myself with the hopes others present to me. When I try something that induces motivation or a small "reason" for a minute I go back to my zombie-like state where I feel like it doesn't really matter because I'm sure that I'll never feel happiness.

It probably sounds really selfish and out of touch of me to say something like I don't want love around me. I know love feels good. I feel this sounds inconsiderate especially because a lot of you probably feel alone. I know so many people who would kill to have a romantic relationship like mine. I just, I don't know.

I feel so alone because if I told my lover about my feelings I will laden his stress with mine, he will turn scatterbrained and convince me not to lose hope or even find alternatives that I don't even want to think about. Sometimes I just think it would be better if I broke things off because I'm so sure I won't get better, but I'm far in too deep to break it off, he will know the true reason why, he will know that I'm far too miserable and weak hearted that I'll just opt for a life without us. He dreams of a future, I dreamt of that too. I just hate myself so much that I am throwing away the only joy I can enumerate left in my life. I feel so alone because my closest friends are connected to my lover, it feels so wrong. All of my other friends don't care about me enough and have expected me to have killed myself so they are already distancing themselves from me to save themselves from the grief. My family and "support team" are well, I don't even want to get into it. I'm sick of it all.

I'm horrible

 

[whywere]

You, horrible? HEAVENS NO!!!

Please let me explain my thoughts: No matter the age of a person, economic aspect, nothing, everyone has doubts, about not only themselves but life in general. Every once in a while, I will think that I am a failure or the like, but you know what? Then along comes something or someone, a lot of the times out of the blue, and the way that I was feeling goes out the window and I get a smile and think and say, "hey life has a way of balancing".

I have no family nor friends, have folks at the firm (work) but I never mix folks from work and my private life together, too messy. Feel alone? YES! BUT I can come on here and message someone and get a response back and I feel better and also never say never that one's mood or more important outlook will change for the better.

The one aspect that I gleaned from your post is that you are extremely caring and a heartfelt giving type of person and that is just so darn refreshing and awesome.

You might be too hard on yourself, as you have so many fine qualities about yourself and you are NOT EVER horrible, quit the contrary, you are a wonderful soul.

I am in my 60's and I mention this ONLY because I have had folks through the decades who tried to tell me and/or lead my life around and NOPE! I do my thing. Like you mentioned about "friends" who expected you to off yourself and they are distancing themselves from you. Guess what? DUMP them if it comes to that because I will tell you this, in all my experience those type of folks in the short and long run do NOT care about you that much anyway if it comes to that and when you become the awesome person that I know will be, they will be so jealous of you and will not speak to you anyway, so it is a win-win.

I have had so many people through out my life who expected this or that or did not "like" me, so what?! Right here, right now, I am 100% better off than any of those folks who judged me, like your "friends" are doing to you, and in the future, you WILL be so far ahead of them that they will NOT want to speak to you because of the good old human jealousy factor.

Be you, awesome, caring, kind a loving soul and skip the rest.

Walter

YOU ARE JUST THE BEST AND SUCH A LOVELY SPIRIT!