I wish my suicidal thoughts would stop plaguing me

[ThatStateOfMind]

They've ruined my entire day and most of my week, tbh. I'm considering doing it just to end the thoughts but I know that's unwise, hence this being in recovery

 

[LittleJem]

I feel a bit better today due to mirtazapine. It is a fast-acting medication and I recommend it.

I was in tears and suicidal all yesterday and today I feel agitated but not as bad....

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Can you explain how they ruined your day/week for you?

Remember you never have to act on them if you don't want to.

But I agreed suicidal thoughts are seen as a reaction to pain but they're honestly a form of pain themselves.

It seems the best antidote, even if short-term, is to focus on goals of any magnitude or duration or just something in the future that generates excitement in you.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel a bit better today due to mirtazapine. It is a fast-acting medication and I recommend it.

I was in tears and suicidal all yesterday and today I feel agitated but not as bad....

I'm honestly incredibly terrified of antidepressants, especially upon learning how much trial and error they are, and that things usually get worse before they get better. I regret not trying them when my depression was more manageable. Right now, I think if it got worse, it might just push me over the edge. Unrelated but my most recent medication I tried was Vyvanse for ADHD, very unpleasant. I was fine for the first 4 hours or so upon taking the medicine, I could focus and get a ton of work done. After the 4 hours, I crashed for the rest of the day. My energy plummeted and I was angry and sad. I was emotional all the time. I had no appetite and forced myself to eat. Anyways, that's made me a tad bit untrusting towards medication now, because somehow the ADHD meds made my suicidal thoughts worse. I vividly recall visiting this site more often on Vyvanse

Can you explain how they ruined your day/week for you?

Remember you never have to act on them if you don't want to.

But I agreed suicidal thoughts are seen as a reaction to pain but they're honestly a form of pain themselves.

It seems the best antidote, even if short-term, is to focus on goals of any magnitude or duration or just something in the future that generates excitement in you.

Hey @LaVieEnRose , been a minute since I've seen you here. I always recognize your name because you've been helpful my entire time here. Anyways I just can't find enjoyment in much right now, kinda like I'm experiencing anhedonia, likely as a symptom of depression. I only learned the term anhedonia recently but it very accurately describes how I'm feeling. I'm not really able to *enjoy* life. It's more like I'm floating through life right now, just existing with no pleasures.

I know I don't have to act on them, and I don't think I want to simply because I keep envisioning my family when I'm gone, like vivid visions of how they'd feel. I also keep imagining my cat searching for me like she did when I was on a trip but this time, I wouldn't come back and it makes me cry like a baby.

Sometimes, suicidal thoughts are little more than a nuisance I can push aside, but as of now, they're currently fairly strong, definitely overpowering me and my ability to push them aside. Feels a little like a knife to the chest if I had to describe.

It's hard to look ahead right now, and my plans seem uncertain because I know there's a possibility of me failing a class. Someone I was talking to told me something which helped and it's that even if I failed, it wouldn't be like life is over for me. It would be one extra semester at community college, which doesn't sound awful and helps me calm down, I honestly calmed down a little again typing that.