Venting I wish my boyfriend would leave me

[shrusho]

I've been surfing this site for a few years at this point for comfort and just to ease the thought that I'm completely alone in having this feeling, the overwhelming urge to kill myself. But I rarely ever see any threads discussing staying alive for the sake of a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.

My boyfriend is the funniest, smartest man alive, and he has a really bright future ahead of him. He's an amazing boyfriend, and all I've ever wanted to do was spend the rest of my life with him. I miss him every second we're apart, but if I'm honest, I can't imagine marrying him. I can't imagine having children with him like he wants to so bad, I can't even imagine moving in with him, despite the date drawing nearer.

I never imagined myself being alive this long anyway. I have been suicidal my entire life, flunking every class I've ever been in, I've never felt like I belonged on this planet. Nothing agrees with me, I can't find the point in doing anything, and no matter how much time I spend rotting away online, or hanging out with friends, or sleeping, I always end up back here, wishing it could just be over + cut to black. But I know I don't have it in me to leave him. All of the time we've spent together, all of the money he's spent on me, all of the work he's done so we can afford to live together, I can't just throw everything away for such a selfish reason. I just wish I could leave this body and have someone fill in for me. Or that he'd realize he deserves so much better than me, and leave me for someone else.

I feel so fucking embarrassed because no matter how hard I try, I will never be a normal, functioning person. I'm so dissociated all of the time for no reason at all, I can't connect with anything or anyone, not even my boyfriend, yet for some reason I can't leave. I don't know whats stopping me. I've talked to so many therapists to try to understand what my issue is, and how to fix it, but I really feel like there's not a single soul out there who will understand me. I feel so fucking alone and sad, and I just want to give up. I'm just wasting my days away because I can't find the motivation to do anything. I love him, but it's not enough to completely change everything about me. My memory has gotten so bad, I can't remember simple things that have happened not even hours before, because I'm so depersonalized and unaware of what the fuck is happening, and it makes me feel so stupid. I don't love my family, I don't think I ever have, even though they've never done anything really wrong. I just don't think I'm capible of truely connecting with anything anymore, except for my boyfriend. Maybe it's autism or something, and he's my special interest. Maybe it's something selfish, where I just feel good about making him happy, because I like having a purpose. Because I would literally be nothing without him. I have no future other than him, no reason to live, no goals or interests, I've basically center my whole world around him. I've stopped self harming because of him (although I REALLY want to relapse), went to therapy, put in so much effort, but it won't ever be enough. I know I'm just holding him back and wasting his time.

I don't even get why he likes me in the first place. I have almost nothing going for me, never have, and I know he deserves so much better. But I don't think he realizes it. Even if I did end things, I know he wouldn't be dating for awhile, and I hate the thought of him being alone. I'm just so lost. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what future steps I should take. I just want to be normal for him. But I fucking hate life. I hate having to go to work, to school, having to see family, like if I didn't have him I would have been dead ages ago. I feel like a fucking zombie. Idk.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt similar. I appreciate any replies at all, I just don't want to feel so alone.

also; i really don't know how much of this he knows. i've had conversations about the topic of suicide with him (i think), he knows i'm depressed but i don't think he realizes how bad it actually is. i have talked about stuff to him like self harm before and have always regretted it, because i don't want to make him worry. he also has a lot of stuff going on in his life, his home situation sucks ass, and i want to move out with him to get him out of that situation, as he probably wouldn't move out if i wasn't going with him. so i also feel that pressure. idk.

thanks for taking the time to read, it's my first time posting on here, and probably my last, bc i dont have much to talk about lol.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I relate to a lot that you shared. Great post.

My primary reason to stay around is my partner of over 10 years. In an earlier stage of our relationship I kind of cracked and was really suicidal, but I had a hard time thinking about hurting him in that way. At that time I unconsciously turned to more subtle self-harm. I gave up on being in shape and gave up on many things that interested me when we first met. I ran up a lot of debt, thinking I wouldn't be around long.

I now feel all of this was an effort to get him to leave me, so I'd be free of that sense of duty. He didn't though.

There was a period that I felt really resentful about this, but it's really deepened my affection for him. I'm still kind of resentful sometimes...

I'm currently in a period of trying to recover, so a part of me really appreciates this. But I still have a lot of ideation and feel like it's just prolonging the inevitable.

I appreciate the support he's given, but kind of wish I didn't have to worry about him. Weird mixed feelings.

 

[shrusho]

I relate to a lot that you shared. Great post.

My primary reason to stay around is my partner of over 10 years. In an earlier stage of our relationship I kind of cracked and was really suicidal, but I had a hard time thinking about hurting him in that way. At that time I unconsciously turned to more subtle self-harm. I gave up on being in shape and gave up on many things that interested me when we first met. I ran up a lot of debt, thinking I wouldn't be around long.

Thank you for the reply, it means a lot. (unrelated but this place is so much better than reddit, lol. I really like the community here)

10 years is really impressive. You must've faced so many hurdles throughout that time, which is the part i'm the most afraid of, since i usually ball up under any sort of stress.

I now feel all of this was an effort to get him to leave me, so I'd be free of that sense of duty. He didn't though.

There was a period that I felt really resentful about this, but it's really deepened my affection for him. I'm still kind of resentful sometimes...

I'm sure I have done that subconsiously as well, but I think I'm just too afraid of that confrontation where he realizes I'm in worse shape than he thought, and actually starts worrying about me.

I have struggled with self harm all of my life, talking about it openly with friends and reading discussions online, to the point where it's relatively natural/normal to me, but for him It'd be entirely new. He's never self harmed to my knowledge, or been with/talked to anyone who has, and I just think that it'd be a pretty big jump for him. I have done it in the past, but have easily lied about what caused it, and he believes me. So idk. He's also pretty big on no drugs/minimal alchohol (not that he's controlling at all, he just worries easily) so even something as small as that would be pretty big to him.

I get what you mean by how you feel slightly resentful, even after 10 years.
Sometimes it feels like hes taking this easy escape away from me, where even if I would have never killed myself if we hadn't dated, I still had the *option to* if I wanted. But now it feels like I don't have the option anymore, so things are even more stressful.

I'm currently in a period of trying to recover, so a part of me really appreciates this. But I still have a lot of ideation and feel like it's just prolonging the inevitable.


I appreciate the support he's given, but kind of wish I didn't have to worry about him. Weird mixed feelings.

Even if it has just prolonged it, I think 10 years is a decent amount of time, and you should be proud of making it this far (in my opinion). I think it's completley up to you what you decide to do, even if you are just choosing to stick it out for another 10 years. I don't know your specific situation, but I imagine some of the more difficult stuff is behind both of you, and I hope I can get myself to stay a similar amount of time, just to see where my boyfriend and I end up.

Thanks again for the response, it's calmed me down quite a lot and I'm thinking I probably have it in me to stay a few more months at least, and maybe have a rethink when I'm in a better mindset.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt similar. I appreciate any replies at all, I just don't want to feel so alone.

Yep, I feel the exact same way, you're definitely not alone. My fiancé has his faults and there are some things about him that I don't like, but when it all comes down to it, he is a really wonderful person who constantly commits himself to being good to me. And for the life of me I don't get why, lol, I can't see what's so great about me. I can understand what use someone could get out of me, and sometimes I try to self-sabotage by believing that's what this is, but I can tell that I am genuinely his world and that confuses and crushes me. It would be easier if he could just leave me, or cheat and abuse me so that I could leave him. I've pushed him away, I've tried to become someone repulsive, I've made myself hard to love, but for some reason he still thinks I'm worth the effort.

I can't hide the ideation from him so he knows how I feel. He has been with me when I wanted to attempt and I've seen it tear him up into pieces. He says that it hurts to hear the person that he wants to be the mother of his children say she wants to die, or she will die by her own hands. And I hate that it does that so I try to stay around. At least until he can cash out on the biggest advantage that comes with being with me in some years from now. If things are shit by then I think I might end up becoming really selfish and doing it anyway but for him I'm willing to try. For that reason things would have been a lot easier if I just didn't let myself get caught up in this but I fell for a recovery trap around the time I met him and foolishly thought things would get better in my head, instead of worse.

It is really lonely, and the loneliest part is that you're not supposed to feel this way. People will tell you that you're lucky to have a great partner, and that is true. Not everyone can say that there is someone that adores them and so many people wish for that; some people wish for it so much that it is the sole reason they want to ctb. This makes me not want to take it for granted. I have love, so maybe I should live for it. But honestly when your mind is in a really dark place the love isn't really enough. Instead of a blessing it feels like a burden and that is the most isolating part. You're definitely not alone and I'm really sorry you feel this way. I don't know you but I can bet you're deserving of the love your boyfriend is trying to give you.

You're not wrong or a bad person for having this feeling. If you want to stick around, I hope that you can eventually open up to your boyfriend. These things get so hard to hide when you're living with a partner, it isn't like living with anyone else where you probably (ideally) have a space to coop up in and hide away from the world. Every single space is shared and you find out really quickly how hard it is to cover things up, especially when it comes to mental health. That is the kind of thing that determines the entire living dynamic, I think. It might be hard for him, but it sounds like he really loves you, so he will probably at least make an effort to understand and accommodate you. I don't think he would want you to suffer alone any longer, anyway. It won't drag him down if you let him in.

Best of luck to you, OP!

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Thanks again for the response, it's calmed me down quite a lot

I'm glad to hear that. This community has become very special for me and I try to respond to threads I can relate to. As a way to give back.

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate that.

I feel you around the difficulty in sharing aspects of yourself that you feel your partner won't understand. Your guy sounds caring.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's also helped me to feel a little less alone too.

 

[shrusho]

Yep, I feel the exact same way, you're definitely not alone. My fiancé has his faults and there are some things about him that I don't like, but when it all comes down to it, he is a really wonderful person who constantly commits himself to being good to me. And for the life of me I don't get why, lol, I can't see what's so great about me.

Thank you so much for the response, it makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one on this site with this issue.

I can understand what use someone could get out of me, and sometimes I try to self-sabotage by believing that's what this is, but I can tell that I am genuinely his world and that confuses and crushes me.

I 100% feel the same way, mainly because I just don't understand what I offer him other than the 'has a girlfriend' title. I have no money, I'm not really all that funny or smart, and I don't have any interesting talents or stories, whereas he ticks every box and more. I feel like I'm tricking him, and he'll regret it all one day.

It would be easier if he could just leave me, or cheat and abuse me so that I could leave him. I've pushed him away, I've tried to become someone repulsive, I've made myself hard to love, but for some reason he still thinks I'm worth the effort.

I can't help but push him away sometimes. I get so mad at myself and take it out on him by ignoring messages and acting cold. I just have a hard time putting in the effort when I'm feeling so low. But he's always so nice :( and it just makes me love him more. which makes it harder to be distant, lol. not that i try to be distant. i want him to be happy

I can't hide the ideation from him so he knows how I feel. He has been with me when I wanted to attempt and I've seen it tear him up into pieces. He says that it hurts to hear the person that he wants to be the mother of his children say she wants to die, or she will die by her own hands. And I hate that it does that so I try to stay around. At least until he can cash out on the biggest advantage that comes with being with me in some years from now. If things are shit by then I think I might end up becoming really selfish and doing it anyway but for him I'm willing to try.

The whole thing with kids is so scary to me. Like, If I try to stick around for a few years and fail just before we have kids, that puts a huge weight on his shoulders where he has to quickly find another person to have children with before he gets old :( so the thought of me leaving quickly and quietly comes up a lot. I don't want to waste his time, so maybe I should just rip off the bandaid. But then again, things could get better, and I could be fully recovered enjoying old age with him, which I do love the thought of.

For that reason things would have been a lot easier if I just didn't let myself get caught up in this but I fell for a recovery trap around the time I met him and foolishly thought things would get better in my head, instead of worse.

ive never heard the term 'recovery trap' before, but i totally agree. i guess i just thought dating would give me motivation to pursue treatment. but treatment hasn't worked, and now i have a deadline to get better, or at least, im improving for someone else instead of just me now.

It is really lonely, and the loneliest part is that you're not supposed to feel this way. People will tell you that you're lucky to have a great partner, and that is true. Not everyone can say that there is someone that adores them and so many people wish for that; some people wish for it so much that it is the sole reason they want to ctb. This makes me not want to take it for granted. I have love, so maybe I should live for it. But honestly when your mind is in a really dark place the love isn't really enough. Instead of a blessing it feels like a burden and that is the most isolating part. You're definitely not alone and I'm really sorry you feel this way. I don't know you but I can bet you're deserving of the love your boyfriend is trying to give you.

It can feel pretty lonely, so I really appreciate the response :']

I can for sure see how it'd be difficult to continue living without someone there just for you, and I would be in the same situation if I didn't have my boyfriend, since he's my entire purpose. I love him more than anything of course, and I'm so lucky to have him. But also, if he didn't love me, I could've just ctb.
I was never really interested in dating before we got together lol, it kind of just happened.

You're not wrong or a bad person for having this feeling. If you want to stick around, I hope that you can eventually open up to your boyfriend.

These things get so hard to hide when you're living with a partner, it isn't like living with anyone else where you probably (ideally) have a space to coop up in and hide away from the world. Every single space is shared and you find out really quickly how hard it is to cover things up, especially when it comes to mental health.

I hadn't thought of this, you make a really good point. I want to be better for him when we do move in together, I don't want to ruin the mood + make him regret everything by constantly being mopey around him. He does frequently stay over for several days at a time, and usually I can find it in myself to be happy and animated the entire duration, but being together 24/7 is obviously way different.

It might be hard for him, but it sounds like he really loves you, so he will probably at least make an effort to understand and accommodate you. I don't think he would want you to suffer alone any longer, anyway. It won't drag him down if you let him in.

Best of luck to you, OP!

Thank you again for taking the time to respond :] i do really apprecaite it. best of luck to you too, i hope you continue recovery if that's what you want to do.

 

[carnivalforone]

i understand you 100% i wish my girlfriend would just end things with me so i could just check out. Ive lost most of everything in my life i feel like a failure and im tired of it i give up but she is the only thing that keeps me going. shes beautiful and she could do 10x better than me im not successful or smart or driven or anything i dont deserve her but all she talks about is how she cant wait for us to live together and get married and all these things that im not sure i deserve. ive talked to her about my poor health and my mental but she kind of just tries her best to reassure me and comfort me with no success. i have a similar thought as u in that i wish i could die and retry, reincarnate , reset or something in a different body with different parents different looks different environments, just so i could be more well inclined to not be as pathetic as i am now. then id feel i deserve her and maybe not feel as pessimistic as i do now. anyways for what it is i do understand how u feel and i hope you feel better.

 

[shrusho]

i understand you 100% i wish my girlfriend would just end things with me so i could just check out. Ive lost most of everything in my life i feel like a failure and im tired of it i give up but she is the only thing that keeps me going. shes beautiful and she could do 10x better than me im not successful or smart or driven or anything i dont deserve her but all she talks about is how she cant wait for us to live together and get married and all these things that im not sure i deserve.

thats the thing i guess, they do have their reasons for staying, your girlfriend must see something in you, otherwise why get with you in the first place? especially if you have a lot going on mentally. that thought keeps me going, that logically my boyfriend simply wouldn't be with me if he didn't like me. or, at least, he wouldn't put so much effort in to make me happy, and plan out or future etc. so there must be something nice about you! it could just be your sense of humor, or personality, or wtever!

ive talked to her about my poor health and my mental but she kind of just tries her best to reassure me and comfort me with no success. i have a similar thought as u in that i wish i could die and retry, reincarnate , reset or something in a different body with different parents different looks different environments, just so i could be more well inclined to not be as pathetic as i am now. then id feel i deserve her and maybe not feel as pessimistic as i do now. anyways for what it is i do understand how u feel and i hope you feel better.

i often think about retrying, but i know that if anything had gone even slightly different in my upbringing, there would have been a chance that my boyfriend and i would have never began dating. i don't believe we were "made for each other" or that our souls are bonded or nothing, so im grateful my life has gone the way it has so that i could end up with him. but i know what u mean. i wish i could retake classes with a different mindset so that i wouldn't be in this weird position. or that i could have tried harder in extra curriculars. but i always think theres room for improvement no matter what situation u are in right now, and its not really worth it to dwell on what Could have Been.
i only wish u and ur girlfriend the best! and thank u for the response : ]

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think that's a very common sentiment around here actually. I guess I just want to say you guys don't have any reason to doubt the sincerity of your partners' feelings for you. You didn't hypnotize or cast a spell on them so they are with you for a reason.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I think that's a very common sentiment around here actually. I guess I just want to say you guys don't have any reason to doubt the sincerity of your partners' feelings for you. You didn't hypnotize or cast a spell on them so they are with you for a reason.

This honestly felt good to hear. I have some high level imposter syndrome, even with my over 10 year relationship. A part of me is convinced he's with me because I fooled him or something.

Thanks

 

[KafkaF]

I've been surfing this site for a few years at this point for comfort and just to ease the thought that I'm completely alone in having this feeling, the overwhelming urge to kill myself. But I rarely ever see any threads discussing staying alive for the sake of a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.

My boyfriend is the funniest, smartest man alive, and he has a really bright future ahead of him. He's an amazing boyfriend, and all I've ever wanted to do was spend the rest of my life with him. I miss him every second we're apart, but if I'm honest, I can't imagine marrying him. I can't imagine having children with him like he wants to so bad, I can't even imagine moving in with him, despite the date drawing nearer.

I never imagined myself being alive this long anyway. I have been suicidal my entire life, flunking every class I've ever been in, I've never felt like I belonged on this planet. Nothing agrees with me, I can't find the point in doing anything, and no matter how much time I spend rotting away online, or hanging out with friends, or sleeping, I always end up back here, wishing it could just be over + cut to black. But I know I don't have it in me to leave him. All of the time we've spent together, all of the money he's spent on me, all of the work he's done so we can afford to live together, I can't just throw everything away for such a selfish reason. I just wish I could leave this body and have someone fill in for me. Or that he'd realize he deserves so much better than me, and leave me for someone else.

I feel so fucking embarrassed because no matter how hard I try, I will never be a normal, functioning person. I'm so dissociated all of the time for no reason at all, I can't connect with anything or anyone, not even my boyfriend, yet for some reason I can't leave. I don't know whats stopping me. I've talked to so many therapists to try to understand what my issue is, and how to fix it, but I really feel like there's not a single soul out there who will understand me. I feel so fucking alone and sad, and I just want to give up. I'm just wasting my days away because I can't find the motivation to do anything. I love him, but it's not enough to completely change everything about me. My memory has gotten so bad, I can't remember simple things that have happened not even hours before, because I'm so depersonalized and unaware of what the fuck is happening, and it makes me feel so stupid. I don't love my family, I don't think I ever have, even though they've never done anything really wrong. I just don't think I'm capible of truely connecting with anything anymore, except for my boyfriend. Maybe it's autism or something, and he's my special interest. Maybe it's something selfish, where I just feel good about making him happy, because I like having a purpose. Because I would literally be nothing without him. I have no future other than him, no reason to live, no goals or interests, I've basically center my whole world around him. I've stopped self harming because of him (although I REALLY want to relapse), went to therapy, put in so much effort, but it won't ever be enough. I know I'm just holding him back and wasting his time.

I don't even get why he likes me in the first place. I have almost nothing going for me, never have, and I know he deserves so much better. But I don't think he realizes it. Even if I did end things, I know he wouldn't be dating for awhile, and I hate the thought of him being alone. I'm just so lost. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what future steps I should take. I just want to be normal for him. But I fucking hate life. I hate having to go to work, to school, having to see family, like if I didn't have him I would have been dead ages ago. I feel like a fucking zombie. Idk.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt similar. I appreciate any replies at all, I just don't want to feel so alone.

also; i really don't know how much of this he knows. i've had conversations about the topic of suicide with him (i think), he knows i'm depressed but i don't think he realizes how bad it actually is. i have talked about stuff to him like self harm before and have always regretted it, because i don't want to make him worry. he also has a lot of stuff going on in his life, his home situation sucks ass, and i want to move out with him to get him out of that situation, as he probably wouldn't move out if i wasn't going with him. so i also feel that pressure. idk.

thanks for taking the time to read, it's my first time posting on here, and probably my last, bc i dont have much to talk about lol.

Do I relate? Yes and no, I guess.

Until recently I had a girlfriend. The first girlfriend I thought I had a healthy relationship with, actually.

My first girlfriend was a very sweet and loving person, but both me and her were young (17 and 16 respectively at the start of our relationship) and immature. I was very poorly in control of my anger back then due to my childhood emotional abuse. Got a handle on that years later, but it was a problem during this relationship as I would sometimes get angry for really stupid reasons due to my insecurities. And both of us had mental health issues and neither of us was mature enough to talk about our problems like adults.

My second girlfriend I wasn't with for a very long time. She was nice, but we were just together too briefly for our relationship to fully develop beyond that initial stage.

My third girlfriend was often cold, almost always inconsiderate, didn't respect my boundaries and often treated me like shit.

My fourth (and previous) girlfriend was the first girlfriend I had who seemed to consistently support me when I was down. Was empathetic towards me. Was kind and very affectionate. Always made me feel good. I felt like I could actually talk to her about issues I had (unlike my third) and I felt like she would respect my boundaries (also unlike the third).

Anyway, in early 2022 I fell into a deep depression and wanted to CTB. But then I met my fourth girlfriend. I was still depressed afterwards but my depression did go from very severe to just moderate. Basically, I stuck around and fought to get better for her. Because I loved her and because being with her were the only moments of happiness I had.

If it wasn't for her I probably would've CTBd back in 2022. So in that sense I definitely relate. I also stuck around for her.

As for wanting her to leave me... yes and no. There were times I thought about CTB while we were together. And during those times I did wonder if maybe it would be better if she ended the relationship so she wouldn't suffer. But during the time when we were together I never made serious plans to actually go through with it. Because, again, her love was enough for me to want to stick around.

So, idk, I guess I relate to sticking around for your significant other. And I had thoughts that it might be better if they ended things. But for me I never seriously considered CTB while we were together, only in passing.

 

[hellispink]

I understand its hard for you. But you need to understand that if you dont wanna be here anymore, you are not attached to anything. He can love you all he does but he will get over it and replace with someone else, its just how life works. You need to figure it out is it really life that is unbearable or is it the relationship? If you aint sure then there is no more love. You can love him as family or friend but romantically based on what you have said i just dont think that kind of love is there of course its just my assumption. But you should reflect wheter you still love this person and if so then its called self sabotage, you feeling unworthy and not capable of living normally with him. Maybe you need drama coming from past trauma to feel intense emotions in a relationship and your current relationship is boring and empty to your mind. Figure out whats wrong and decide from there

 

[shrusho]

I understand its hard for you. But you need to understand that if you dont wanna be here anymore, you are not attached to anything. He can love you all he does but he will get over it and replace with someone else, its just how life works. You need to figure it out is it really life that is unbearable or is it the relationship? If you aint sure then there is no more love. You can love him as family or friend but romantically based on what you have said i just dont think that kind of love is there of course its just my assumption. But you should reflect wheter you still love this person and if so then its called self sabotage, you feeling unworthy and not capable of living normally with him. Maybe you need drama coming from past trauma to feel intense emotions in a relationship and your current relationship is boring and empty to your mind. Figure out whats wrong and decide from there

Idk what i said that made you think theres no love in our relationship. My entire post was me complaining about how i hate life but love my boyfriend too much to leave him. Nothing about our relationship is boring or empty, and me staying with him is far from "self sabotage". I WANT to stay with him because i love him so much, and he makes me so happy, my only issue is that im still struggling with everything a normal person is meant to do. so i feel like im letting him down. i appreciate the comment, but ur way off.