Venting I wish my besties liked me as much as i like them

[coolgal82]

I love my besties so fucking much like they are my entire world i am nothing without them theyre the only thing that can make me consistently happy and give any kind of meaning to my life i wanna talk to them 24/7 i just wanna be with them. i hope when i die i can just observe them. they literally perfect and the best and theyre so strong and such good people and like fhsdfkldfhsdfs i wanna say more but i dont wanna reveal their private info but theyre just so great

But like, they like eachother/other people more than me, which logically makes sense cus theyre fucking dating lmao, and one of them has a bestie of like multiple years vs me who has known them not even a year. even if it makes sense it fucking hurts. it feels like theres a hole in me and like im filling the square hole with the round peg so it does a job but it'll never be full until they feel the same which will never happen and it just hurts so goddamn bad. i'm never gonna be fully consistently happy. i wanna die.

Honestly i dont think its long until they just decide they hate me and leave me i'm an awful person who just hurts them and im weird and annoying and i have zero redeeming qualities and i basically just use them for my emotional needs and give nothing back im such a terrible person i don't deserve them. part of me wants them to leave me so i can finally have the push i need to CTB. also so it hurts them less when i do. i fucking hate existing this is torture. i miss them. i hope they can vc soon.

Ngl i feel like an insane person for feeling like this like idfk i think if they knew this they would just think im fucking mental and cut me off or atleast distance themselves. but at the same time i kinda want them to know? idfk? idfk. i just wanna die. i hate my brain why is it like this why am i so attached to them. why do i wanna die whenever theyre late to vc or dont vc at all. why do i just randomly switch from this to them being the most awful evil people ever. idfk. i hate my brain so much i dont know why its like this like it has to be either genetic or my brain chemistry is just fucked idfk. but like its to the point sometimes where it starts affecting me physically like i feel physically ill sometimes when theyre gone for too long or theyre talking to other people or idfk.

 

[TenThousandTrees]

Fuck I'm sorry, it sucks when the few people you feel a close connection with are also a source of intense pain. I'm also a disgusting BPDemon when it comes to my best friend, sometimes I'm afraid to ask them to hang out because if they say they're busy I'll just doomspiral obsessively thinking about how they're with someone else and unironically want to cut myself.

 

[sorararara]

holy shit i relate to this so much. i think most of my recent posts have been vents about this sorta thing. i wish i could provide some advice, i'm sorry. you're not a terrible person for feeling the way that you feel, it's not your fault and it's not in your control. you definitely don't deserve these horrible thoughts and you don't deserve to hate yourself for it.
feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to vent to. i don't think i'll be much help, but i'm dealing with the exact thing. at the very least, i'd be able to understand.

i'm wishing you the best, i hope you can find some sort of peace or relief.

 

[coolgal82]

Fuck I'm sorry, it sucks when the few people you feel a close connection with are also a source of intense pain. I'm also a disgusting BPDemon when it comes to my best friend, sometimes I'm afraid to ask them to hang out because if they say they're busy I'll just doomspiral obsessively thinking about how they're with someone else and unironically want to cut myself.

ngl i dont even dm them unless its to ask them if they hate me cus im afraid i'll like annoy them or whatever so i just sit there getting progressively worse as they dont join vc and instead just chat together and either just hate myself or hate them lmao (mostly the first)
i was literally so happy for a bit earlier after some i disliked (ableist sack of shit) got suspended from twitter and then i see one of my besties post something implying theyre on a call rn and then boom instant shite feeling. i hate it.