Venting i wish it was easier to get this over with already

[bloopbloop]

i wish i could just do it already, idk why i keep overthinking it. like, how will this affect the people around me and the people i care for? as if i'm gonna be there to witness their reactions or something. why do i have to psychoanalyze myself and insist on looking for an expanation or root for everything i'm going through? why do i have to stall and write about how terrible my life is on this site like i'm doing once again rn? why is it so hard to decide on a method? why am i such a coward? i wish i wasn't so damn soft so i could just stop thinking so much and making myself feel worse. after experiencing it i can say being suicidal is one of the worst feelings ever, so by stalling i'm just making myself feel it longer. i joined a couple of days ago and i've already cried over multiple ppl in here or myself. originally i was planning to just look for a method and dip when i joined but i just had to be emotional. i wish i could treat all this as a big joke but that's hard to with the topic in question.

one thing i want to do soon is take a couple months to enjoy life like i used to as much as i can and shove away any thoughts about suicide or whatever problems i'm having (also logging out of here). just continue being a shut in, consume my favorite media and do things i like all day, play videogames eat a bunch and talk to my friends, maybe some more productive things too. these things make me the happiest since i was 12, naturally it won't be the same amount of joy and carelessness i felt back then considering my current state, and since it's not a "recovery month" but more like a "chill month before i die" sounds kinda grim but it'll do!! idk if i'll be able to do stuff like this again after i die that's why i'll be doing this :( i'd want to die after a happy moment, not after months of misery. but what then? when those months are over and i feel satisfied am i gonna crawl back to this site and stall again trying to come to peace with my decision and decide on a method? only methods i have in mind rn are partial hanging or jumping, ik i'll still face some obstacles with these methods but other methods i ticked off due to being too risky or too painful, it's so frustrating. i'm also planning on writing a long and heartfelt suicide note for my friends on one of my accounts. i hate to do that to them and i'm 100% sure i'll be ugly crying while typing it. it's gonna be so hard to do that, the thought of posting it and dying after makes me so sad.

my biggest fear like many others is survival, or being awake during it when i should be unconscious, the pain. thinking about the reactions of people if i wake up on a hospital bed is terrifying ngl. I don't even wanna die i wanna be able to live happily like everyone but it's impossible under these conditions so i really have no choice but this.
everytime i write smth i'm confident it won't exceed 80 words but look what happens lol

 

[Thornless Rose]

I hope the time you take for yourself will be as enjoyable as can be.

 

[nadia225]

I feel for you I truly do I hope you find it to do all the things that you enjoy and make you happy and in those last moments choose to do something different and explore more of what can possible make you happy before you depart, to really see of cbt is the way for you because I have a feeling that it won't take away from the pain or cease all your problems from existing. Hopefully in that time you can identify the things that are making you feel sad to this extent, because being this deeply empty and filled with pain is something I don't wish on anybody especially when thoughts of suicide and racing thoughts occur it's feels inescapable but if you can recognize the root no matter how hard it may be you can see if it is something you feel like you can change or something you feel like is out of your control and cbt is the answer for such. In this way it can make the decision a little easier if you choose to take your life or not, it's not any easy process identifying truly what's causing you the despair mentally and you may not want too as that would be your answer in itself; so is planning your death in a timely manner, writing out notes to depart, picking out a suitable method and overcoming fear human instinct and compassion for yourself to step into the unknown… these actions aren't easy at all either mentally and physically of course. So take your time and make sure you are in a sound head space as much as possible with any decision you make . All love wishing you the best beautiful soul on your journey and I hope things get a little better for you however that may be.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly wish that suicide is much easier, I wish that leaving this world was as straightforward as just choosing to fall asleep eternally without any complications involved, to me suicide really is too unnecessarily difficult, but anyway best wishes.

 

[Arihman]

I do as well, but I still plan on getting out of here within this or the next year, if not via SN, at least via hanging. More likely to be the latter, I'd say, since it's cheap, I live alone, and I have lots of neckties in my house.

 

[bloopbloop]

I feel for you I truly do I hope you find it to do all the things that you enjoy and make you happy and in those last moments choose to do something different and explore more of what can possible make you happy before you depart, to really see of cbt is the way for you because I have a feeling that it won't take away from the pain or cease all your problems from existing. Hopefully in that time you can identify the things that are making you feel sad to this extent, because being this deeply empty and filled with pain is something I don't wish on anybody especially when thoughts of suicide and racing thoughts occur it's feels inescapable but if you can recognize the root no matter how hard it may be you can see if it is something you feel like you can change or something you feel like is out of your control and cbt is the answer for such. In this way it can make the decision a little easier if you choose to take your life or not, it's not any easy process identifying truly what's causing you the despair mentally and you may not want too as that would be your answer in itself; so is planning your death in a timely manner, writing out notes to depart, picking out a suitable method and overcoming fear human instinct and compassion for yourself to step into the unknown… these actions aren't easy at all either mentally and physically of course. So take your time and make sure you are in a sound head space as much as possible with any decision you make . All love wishing you the best beautiful soul on your journey and I hope things get a little better for you however that may be.

thank youuu omg i cried.
i have had moments where i'd think abt why i'm sad and i'd say i already have it figured out?? i just wanna stop thinking far more than necessary lol, majority of the problems causing me this anguish are completley out of my control (misfortune,bad luck) and their effects on me makes tamer problems hard to fix. that's why cbt seems like an answer yknow.
i wish you too the happiest, whatever u are facing right now to get better , whatever decision you decide to take i hope u find peace and happiness, on earth or somewhere else