I wish I was another person

[ontheotherside]

The below is a bit of a ramble but I find it helps to put things in writing and share with others.

I'm so fed up with my life. I have a number of health problems - none of which are life threatening but do make my life miserable. I have no friends and no girlfriend. I have never been in a relationship and know that I am mentally and emotionally atypical.

In metaphysics, there is well known debate amongst philosophers on whether we have free will. The problem is how we can have free will if we live in a deterministic universe - if all of our actions are the results of other things beyond our control (the environment, our genetics), how can we ever meaningfully be free? Just as a computer program executes code, humans execute biology.

I don't wish to get into the philosophical debate here but I wanted to bring a personal perspective on it. When I reflect on the true underlying reasons for my unhappiness, I can only conclude that it is caused by my own nature. There is a fundamental gap between the person who I am and the person who I want to be (the person who, I think, would be much happier). I wish I was more confident, more outgoing, less neurotic and more empathetic but I see these as intrinsic parts of my own nature.

I know that this sounds like an excuse but I believe that lasting personal change (especially at my age) is very difficult - perhaps impossible. I feel trapped by my own biology. I wish things were different more than anything but I cannot see how to rectify any of my defects.

Thanks for listening.

 

[GasMonkey]

I'm a KHHV and I have come to the same conclusion, I have understood that is all about genetics+environment (mostly genetics).
Everything that has happened had to happen, it couldn't be any other way.
This knowledge has freed myself from any regret/remorse/guilt, I will CTB in peace.

 

[Darkover]

we have choice but it's very limited and deterministic, you can choose from a selctetion of things like what to have to eat or drink
someone should create a poll to see hoe many of us think we have free will choice

 

[wesv]

Schizophrenia has taken away my free will.
I have no control over my health. I have no control over my mind. My mind is not my own anymore. I have no control over my body. My dreams are not my own. My body is not my own. I don't even feel human anymore. What is humanity? I don't know.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's so interesting. I think I am definitely drawn to the idea of free will- that we can achieve whatever we want- if we only set our minds to it. Accompanied by the feeling of failure if we don't.

I suppose I don't really know which way I fall- whether I believe in free will or not. I think I am genetically predisposed to be shy. My upbringing hasn't helped in that regard. A mixture of things have left me with a lot of self doubt and social anxiety.

Still- I know there are things I REALLY ought to do in life to make my situation better. I took a lot of driving lessons but they all terrified me. I wasn't willing to push myself to the point where I overcame all that- I gave up. In the past- I have been fairly brave in moving across the country for different jobs. Each time- a whole new set of people to get used to. Each time though, I avoided socialising with them as much as possible. These were still choices ultimately though- I did or didn't do as much as I felt comfortable with. The desirability of the end goal influenced just how much I was willing to push myself.

I think when it comes to physical illness or severe mental illness- this CAN certainly limit our decision making. Financial restraints and genetics play a part too. Still- some people succeed against tremendously bad odds. I personally think it's more about your will to do something (which may in itself be predetermined.) Someone who loses their limbs in a war can (understandably) become very depressed. Others seem to adapt and find other goals in their lives.

Some of it I'm sure is about how much crap we are given to deal with but I think on top of that- we all make choices. Quite often we may even know ourselves what would help us but for whatever reason, we're not prepared to put in the work. I think the most disconcerting thing is the doubt that things will ever improve or become good enough- compared to the amount of effort we will likely have to put in, or the discomfort we will have to go through to achieve said goal.

I'm not sure if our will for life itself is predetermined. I think that is the main thing. If there's no will to succeed- you simply won't use your free will to make the choices to achieve anything. If you don't have the drive to do something- there's simply no motivation to try. I think our will to try- or lack of it is likely also learnt to some extent though: too many bad experiences or unfulfilling ones maybe- despite the effort we put in.

Still- I personally believe that there is a certain amount of free will we all have. We just tend to be constrained by the fear of failure.

For example- it sounds like both of us have social anxiety and neither of us have partners. I imagine both of us avoid social situations because we want to avoid the discomfort and humiliation we will likely feel around others. This is still a choice. Even though we know socialising more is likely the only way to overcome such phobias- we choose to use our free will to avoid them. We're trying to avoid pain at the end of the day but it's still a choice to do that.

I know what you mean- I let myself off the hook a lot of the time- telling myself it is in my nature to be like this. Or- certain experiences have made me like it. Still- I also know that I'm lazy ultimately. There have to be very specific things that will motivate me to face the things I most fear (social things mainly.) If those things aren't present- or- they don't seem worth it- I'll do all I can to stay in my comfort zone.

 

[SamTam33]

I sound like a broken record, so this is the last time I will address it (this month ), but this is why I despise my parents.

They built me like this. If I second-guess myself, crumble in the face of adversity, procrastinate and complain about everything - it's because I got it from them.

I can only work with what I was given. It's not like we can acquire personality traits in the same way we can acquire skills.

Wouldn't it be great to learn a different language while acquiring some extroversion on the side?

I think I'll learn how to juggle while also learning how to smile in the face of systemic racism!

It doesn't work like that. Not everyone is built the same. Though faced with similar problems, we don't all have the same tools to combat said problems.