Venting I wish I hadn’t been born in this body

[gummyshark]

my body is disgusting it's honestly crazy how someone like me could be born. I can't wait to die so my body could disappear. I hope reincarnation is real so I could be born into another body that's hopefully better than my current body. I've been stress eating a lot and I regret it sm. I dread even going outside. no outfit looks good on me, I can't even wear baggy clothes without looking fatter. I want my body shred to pieces. I've tried to starve myself, I've tried to workout. I just can't seem to lose all this fucking fat. It's especially hard since my family often forces me to eat, then they say "you're so big" and other things, like.. I wonder why? if I don't eat the food they'll call me disrespectful and get upset. I can't sleep when I'm hungry either, it's hard for me to sleep. I've barely been getting sleep (less than 4hrs) for the last few days so I suppose it's also why I look so fucking gross right now. I wish to cut my body and rip out all my fat. I wish I could cut open my stomach and let my organs spill. I wanna cut every part of myself that I want gone. All my friends are so skinny, it's not fair. I feel like the imposter among all my other friends. I don't even wanna take photos anymore or look into the mirror because I will literally cry. I feel like all my friends actually hate me and are plotting something against me because I'm fat and they aren't. Why would they wanna be friends with someone that looks like me? They probably talk shit about me behind my back and they're only pretending to like me. I don't understand why someone like me deserves to be alive. I never want to look into a mirror again. I wish I could starve to death. I've tried multiple weight loss supplements and I've just bought a few more. At this point I don't care if my organs fail. I want to be locked inside a room without any food for days, weeks. I wish I hadn't eaten a lot as a kid. I should've starved myself. I just want to disappear. I really am a sad excuse for a human being. I've never felt so disgusting before. Maybe if I was pretty and skinny I wouldn't wanna kill myself. I hate it sm when someone who's CLEARLY skinnier than me tells me that they're fatter than me. It feels like they're mocking me. "You're not even fat, I'm literally fatter than you!" Be fucking real right now. If I had a option to be pretty and skinny for a day and then I'll die the next day, I'd gladly take that option. At least I could for once actually feel pretty and skinny. I feel like I'm going insane. I wish the world could just end already. I really wanna cut open my stomach. I just wanna die already but I wanna be pretty when I do. I really can't do this anymore I just wanna cut up every part of my body until it's undistinguishable. All my friends are so lucky to be born pretty and skinny, but I wasn't so lucky. Being short and fat is the worst. If I was tall I'd at least not look so bad but my body is so disproportionate and not evenly distributed. I hate every part of myself. I wish I was born in another body. I wanna burn my body. I wish I could dissolve myself in lava or acid. I'm disgusting and gross. Someone like me should not be living. I've tried to cut off a lot of ppl and distanced myself from a lot of my friends, I don't deserve to be their friends. I'm not a good person and I'm not who they think I am. I'm so ugly and fat I don't deserve anything good that happens to me. I can't express how much I want to rip my body to shreds. I want to be put out of my misery so bad. I'm sickening to look at.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I doubt that your friends hate you and are secretly planning to plot against you due to you being fat. Why would they even bother themselves with you if they happened to harbour a hatred towards those who are fat? It's likely that they like you a lot and enjoy hanging out with you.

Your family also sucks and they shouldn't be commenting on your body like that. I don't get why family members, specifically parents, will spend their time commenting on their child's body and then become shocked when it leads to them developing body image issues.

I'm sorry that your weight is causing you so much distress. While my situation isn't the exact same as yours I do understand the distress that can come from having issues with your appearance. I still have a lot of issues with my appearance, to the point where I've found myself wanting to cry over it in the past.

Being fat doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it mean that you don't deserve anything good in life. Societies, at least in the West, tend to treat fatness as a moral failing, shaming larger-bodied individuals. I also understand that this issue tends to be worse for women due to there being more pressure on women to conform to societal beauty standards. You can probably write an entire essay on fatphobia and how it intersects with a variety of other social issues, from sexism to classism. The thing is, being fat isn't inherently ugly. There have been and still are societies that consider larger bodies to be the beauty ideal. In reality, while certain aspects of beauty are based on our biology, a lot of it is just cultural bullshit. For example, having a more curvaceous body with a bit more fat and a large bum was considered to be the ideal body type for a woman back in ancient Greece. Having a bit more fat on the body was seen as a status symbol since it showed that you likely came from wealth. Nowadays, being fat is seen as a bad thing partly because it has become associated with the opposite. It's seen as a sign of poverty and is associated with not being able to afford a healthy lifestyle (or at least liposuction). The point is, it's all nonsense. Body's are treated as beauty trends and most people can't catch up. Up until recently, the ideal body type was "skinny thicc", which was made popular by celebrities like the Kardashians. Now, with the recent rise of ozempic in Hollywood, the ideal body type is being a skinny hourglass (as reflected by some of the Kardashian sisters going on it and getting their BBLs removed).

In the grand scheme of things, it's all just everchanging pointless bullshit. It wouldn't matter if you become pretty and skinny one day because the beauty standards change so quickly that you'll never be able to reach them (at least without a lot of money and maybe some cosmetic procedures). You'll always be left in the dust.

Along with that, there's also the question of if that were to happen, would you even end up perceiving yourself as pretty or would you soon start to find faults in your appearance to nitpick at? Similar to what you sometimes see with already good-looking people continually getting plastic surgery and ruining their appearance because they are always finding another issue with their appearance to "fix". This ends up going back to the fact that issues like these also partly hinge on self-perception. The perceptual processes that take place when perceiving others are also applied to one's self (how we perceive our own behaviours, traits, etc). How we perceive ourselves can become distorted, so much so that we start to perceive things that others don't. For example, someone may perceive their nose as being slightly tilted and may spend their time fretting over it despite others not taking note of it. Another example of this is seen in disorders, like anorexia. Someone with anorexia may perceive themself as being fat despite being severely underweight.

Basically, my entire point is that none of this matters. Nothing matters. We continuously try to find happiness and satisfaction but rarely do. Even when we do it's only temporary, which makes sense. Feelings of happiness and pleasure were basically meant to act as ways to reinforce certain behaviours that aided in our ancestors' ability to survive and reproduce. They are fleeting rather than constant. Once you die and your body decomposes you will end up looking the exact same as all of those attractive people. Over time, everyone who has ever known you will die and you'll be forgotten about. Just like the rest of us. Even if you do somehow end up being remembered and people in the future plastered images of you everywhere it wouldn't matter, because the human race will eventually die out altogether. Everyone is equal in death. At least that's the shit I tell myself whenever I get overwhelmed by worthless crap (which is all the time).

(Also, sorry if this comes off as a bit nonsensical. I kind of ended up rambling a whole bunch, but what else is new?)