I wish I had friends so bad

[trying ungracefully]

I downloaded bff again. Made the profile. And deleted it right away. I tried it before but deleted it after a few days too. I am not ready for friends. I don't have a job, I can't drive and it's hard to go on a bus, my mental health is shit, I can barely leave the house. It sucks I just want to have other people than my family and boyfriend. For me it feels like a piece is missing in my life when I have no friends and it has been like this for a while.

I keep thinking if I download the app maybe everything will work out but that usually isn't the case. I'm 21 and when I was on there I saw many that had careers and a life, I barely have hobbies and can't hold a conversation because of my lack of interests.

My exposure therapists have me doing pointless shit towards my goals too. Like now I am going inside a store and moving stuff to different isles because I am afraid of judgement. Ok, we know I can go inside a store now lets move to the bus. It is unlikely I am going to have to too that or encounter eating deli meat and leaving the store without buying anything or telling a cashier at the register I don't want an item and if I do I experience the anxiety naturally like most people. I'm going to talk to them to see if I can start doing the behavior experiments on the bus because I can't be doing this shit for a year I need a job and I want friends sooner than later.

I'm pissd off at life and tired. I don't want to die for real but every now and then I have suicidal thoughts because I want to escape this shit. I know my goal is to work but I feel like once I start working my life is over even though I have no life now.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I am so disappointed with people in general. All my so-called friendships were with people who were my 'friends' only because they could extract favors or money from me. In my entire 38 years of life, I never once had a true friend.

Believe me, sometimes it's much better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who are with you only because they could use you at some point for doing them favors or giving them money

 

[boyafraid]

I am so disappointed with people in general. All my so-called friendships were with people who were my 'friends' only because they could extract favors or money from me. In my entire 38 years of life, I never once had a true friend.

Believe me, sometimes it's much better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who are with you only because they could use you at some point for doing them favors or giving them money

Bro I'm so sorry you had to deal with shitty fake friends like that. I've been fortunate enough to not come across people like that but my sister did sadly. It makes me upset people like that exist, and they also tend to prey on the vulnerable/lonely people as well.
I'm 20 and relate a lot to your post specially that last part. I have the whole 9 yards lol, and I'm also unemployed but started looking again. I struggle a lot with making friends because of my social anxiety, and the other stuff too. I've been unemployed( for the most part) and not in school since I graduated hs which makes me feel so behind lol. Besides immediate family which I don't have the best relationship with(I would go to strangers for emotional support before I go to them lol) and a great friend from middle school, that's all I really have.

The social anxiety makes it hard to find a job, specially after so many traumatic and degrading experiences. I started looking again because both parents are in labor jobs, and it makes me feel awful knowing how hard they are working, and I'm just at the house most times. I can't keep being a neet forever is what also fills me with drowning anxiety. I'd rather be a person with issues , and money then without since I don't know how long I'll stick around. Not the best one to take advice from but I think finding employment(Even though it can be hard)could help you find friends, and maybe improve your social skills. Also, I don't know if it's just me but making friends in high school came easier despite having problems compare to making friends at work.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I am so disappointed with people in general. All my so-called friendships were with people who were my 'friends' only because they could extract favors or money from me. In my entire 38 years of life, I never once had a true friend.

Believe me, sometimes it's much better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who are with you only because they could use you at some point for doing them favors or giving them money

Deeply relatable.

I have stopped messaging people as an experiment - have some of the 'friendships' actually just been me fawning at someone and them interacting to my messages, but not really much else?

No outreach from anyone.

None of my 'friends' - which are actually all acquaintances - ask me how I am. I sent a picture a couple of months ago at a bar for a common interest a long distance friend and I have in common and... no response. I sent them a photo and info about a professional recognition I just got for my art.. and they said "interesting'.

Not congrats... interesting.

And one other person has been the same way. His response is often a word. 'Bleah'.

I'm slowing unfriending people one by one. And when I CTB, I love the fact that the day I go, I will unfriend all of them, because in a life where i have no control, my one act of defiance is them not getting to know anything about my passing. They didn't care about me in life? They don't get to know me. Maybe I'll just delete the accounts. Scrub my presence online off the internet. And if they hear I'll be gone, they could have a moment of sadness. But in my letter to my family I will name names. And my family can contact the people who betrayed me and find out why they abandonned me when I needed just an ear to listen to