Venting i wish i didn’t have to die

[huntermellow]

i want to die but i also don't. i wish i could've experienced a full happy life but i'm really not meant to be happy. everything just keeps getting worse every year. i'm kind of scared of dying. i want to be reincarnated and i hope i will be reincarnated as the person i've always wanted to be. but i'm scared of nothingness after death. i wish i didn't have to live a life full of regrets and mistakes. i hate who i am and i can never get over or recover from everything that's happened. i hate that i'll never be normal no matter how hard i try. i'm so unlovable i'm not even likeable. everyone always leaves me which just further confirms that i'm the problem. it's been proven time and time again that i will never be able to be happy or normal or be loved. i'll never have the life i desire. and even if i get cold feet and i don't kill myself the date of my ctb it will definitely happen one day. it's just my fate. i wish i could just see into my future to see if it's worth staying around longer. but the longer i stay around the more bad memories i'll make and the more people i'll meet that will just end up hating me. nothing will ever get better and even if it does it will just get taken away from me like it always does. this feeling will always come back. i don't want to live remembering everything. i don't want to live with this anxiety and depression and the fact that everyone leaves me and hates me. i don't want to live as myself. i don't want to keep living as someone's mistake and regret. i wish i could've experienced all the things i wanted to experience. but i'm glad i got to do some of the things i've always wanted to.

 

[EternalShore]

I understand for I am the same way~ :( Everything is always getting worse, and we just wish we died many years ago when we weren't as polluted and have as many poor memories as we do now~ >_<
Also, I'm sure that people don't abandon you because you're unlikeable or anything like that~ I get abandoned very frequently too~ >_< and it's more so (I figure at least) because I'm not useful and don't really share hobbies at all with anyone~

I hate fate~ :( To achieve happiness here, it must be overcome! >:3 it riles me up and stuff when people say that just as you did rn! xD ofc, that's far easier said than done! >_<

This meme describes our situations pretty well~ xD


nice K-On pfp btw~ :)

 

[huntermellow]

I understand for I am the same way~ :( Everything is always getting worse, and we just wish we died many years ago when we weren't as polluted and have as many poor memories as we do now~ >_<
Also, I'm sure that people don't abandon you because you're unlikeable or anything like that~ I get abandoned very frequently too~ >_< and it's more so (I figure at least) because I'm not useful and don't really share hobbies at all with anyone~

I hate fate~ :( To achieve happiness here, it must be overcome! >:3 it riles me up and stuff when people say that just as you did rn! xD ofc, that's far easier said than done! >_<

This meme describes our situations pretty well~ xD
View attachment 149162

nice K-On pfp btw~ :)

thank you <3 i wish i could've died during a happy moment in my life. then i wouldn't have experienced things getting worse

 

[FailedMusician]

i want to die but i also don't. i wish i could've experienced a full happy life but i'm really not meant to be happy. everything just keeps getting worse every year. i'm kind of scared of dying. i want to be reincarnated and i hope i will be reincarnated as the person i've always wanted to be. but i'm scared of nothingness after death. i wish i didn't have to live a life full of regrets and mistakes. i hate who i am and i can never get over or recover from everything that's happened. i hate that i'll never be normal no matter how hard i try. i'm so unlovable i'm not even likeable. everyone always leaves me which just further confirms that i'm the problem. it's been proven time and time again that i will never be able to be happy or normal or be loved. i'll never have the life i desire. and even if i get cold feet and i don't kill myself the date of my ctb it will definitely happen one day. it's just my fate. i wish i could just see into my future to see if it's worth staying around longer. but the longer i stay around the more bad memories i'll make and the more people i'll meet that will just end up hating me. nothing will ever get better and even if it does it will just get taken away from me like it always does. this feeling will always come back. i don't want to live remembering everything. i don't want to live with this anxiety and depression and the fact that everyone leaves me and hates me. i don't want to live as myself. i don't want to keep living as someone's mistake and regret. i wish i could've experienced all the things i wanted to experience. but i'm glad i got to do some of the things i've always wanted to.

I'm no expert on psychology, but to me it sounds like you have never experienced something that's meaningful to you. Is that correct? You hope for stuff, like a meaningful, loving relationship, but it never materializes. Or do you have some kind of disorder that makes you feel shit about everything by default? I'm just curious.

Or is it that you are faced with too many disappointments? Just major disappointment after major disappointment all the time. I'm genuinely curious, cause I'm trying to understand why I want to die and how 'normal' that is. I sometimes wonder if psychological treatments account for a life that is objectively shit, it seems any treatment always relies on your life not being COMPLETELY shit, and reminding you of the parts that aren't shit, in order to work. But if literally every aspect of your life is shit, you're basically fucked, I feel like.

 

[EternalShore]

thank you <3 i wish i could've died during a happy moment in my life. then i wouldn't have experienced things getting worse

same! >_< I wish I could've died when I was 14 the day after my best friend left! It didn't really hit me that life would only be downhill from there tho, but well, it did! >_< What about you? :D

 

[huntermellow]

same! >_< I wish I could've died when I was 14 the day after my best friend left! It didn't really hit me that life would only be downhill from there tho, but well, it did! >_< What about you? :D

i wish i could've died on october 18th last year. every year for me was horrible but late september to early/mid october last year was the happiest i had ever been. the next day i ruined everything.

 

[pain6batch9]

If you check out you don't get to see if it changes. That's why I'm still here. I need to follow the story. But sometimes, I feel like, maybe I don't care anymore. Other times it feels much better. I wish it would just find a level and stick to it. It's the variation that throws me out.

But, you are lovable. Everyone has that capacity.

 

[esistzeit]

I just spent some 2 hours thinking about this very subject.

The reason why I've been postponing my death is because I did not have enough of the good in life. I've had enough of the bad and that makes me want to end it, but there hasn't been enough of the good and that makes me want to stay. But because I am so broken in many levels I cannot get these things that I want so much. And that causes so much pain, so much pain that it's almost unbearable.

So I find myself imprisoned by this sick loop of wanting to be happy, being unable to, suffering the pain caused by it, but incapable of ending it because I still want it. It's maddening and twisted.

Then I ask myself what is the point of this? When I look at the universe there is no point to anything. Things just happen. Not every star has planets, not every planet has life in it and not every human is happy. So it seems that I was just goddamn unlucky to be born this way. This hurts even more.

So this means that I just came here, by accident, to suffer for a few decades and then it's just going to end and I will never know what it's like to be happy? Or at least goddamn normal? I just can't accept that. It hurts too f****** much.

That's why I come up with things like higher dimensions and infinity to alleviate this pain. And I hope, sincerely, that I can go to a happy place and I know something other than pain.

I'm sorry I did not give you any answers; I did not find any. I feel kind of bad because it's almost like I'm just adding fuel to the fire. But you should know that you're not alone; I'm broken and confused and desperate too. I hope we all find what we're looking for someday, somewhere.

 

[huntermellow]

I just spent some 2 hours thinking about this very subject.

The reason why I've been postponing my death is because I did not have enough of the good in life. I've had enough of the bad and that makes me want to end it, but there hasn't been enough of the good and that makes me want to stay. But because I am so broken in many levels I cannot get these things that I want so much. And that causes so much pain, so much pain that it's almost unbearable.

So I find myself imprisoned by this sick loop of wanting to be happy, being unable to, suffering the pain caused by it, but incapable of ending it because I still want it. It's maddening and twisted.

Then I ask myself what is the point of this? When I look at the universe there is no point to anything. Things just happen. Not every star has planets, not every planet has life in it and not every human is happy. So it seems that I was just goddamn unlucky to be born this way. This hurts even more.

So this means that I just came here, by accident, to suffer for a few decades and then it's just going to end and I will never know what it's like to be happy? Or at least goddamn normal? I just can't accept that. It hurts too f****** much.

That's why I come up with things like higher dimensions and infinity to alleviate this pain. And I hope, sincerely, that I can go to a happy place and I know something other than pain.

I'm sorry I did not give you any answers; I did not find any. I feel kind of bad because it's almost like I'm just adding fuel to the fire. But you should know that you're not alone; I'm broken and confused and desperate too. I hope we all find what we're looking for someday, somewhere.

you've worded this so perfectly. i know exactly how you feel

 

[corruptible_angel]

I am in the same boat. I really want to live but I'm exhausted by it all.

 

[huntermellow]

I'm no expert on psychology, but to me it sounds like you have never experienced something that's meaningful to you. Is that correct? You hope for stuff, like a meaningful, loving relationship, but it never materializes. Or do you have some kind of disorder that makes you feel shit about everything by default? I'm just curious.

Or is it that you are faced with too many disappointments? Just major disappointment after major disappointment all the time. I'm genuinely curious, cause I'm trying to understand why I want to die and how 'normal' that is. I sometimes wonder if psychological treatments account for a life that is objectively shit, it seems any treatment always relies on your life not being COMPLETELY shit, and reminding you of the parts that aren't shit, in order to work. But if literally every aspect of your life is shit, you're basically fucked, I feel like.

my life has kinda been fucked from the start. my family is the reason i developed my mental health problems. they've caused me to hate myself from such a young age and i've felt trapped in this house since i was a child because of their religious ways and having no one to rely on. the way i was raised and the people i grew up with really affected me because they were all extremely religious and i was never able to fit in with anyone. i've never felt normal in my life because i'm also autistic. i can't communicate or interact with people properly or form normal attachments with people. every friend group i had in hs kicked me out of their group cos i couldn't talk. i've felt alone and unwanted my whole life. i always just wanted someone to understand me and show sympathy and not leave me when they find out my flaws but i'm always seen as a burden and 'draining'. it's really just who i am as a person that everyone hates. the only friends i can really keep are ones online because they don't see the side of me everyone hates irl. anytime i tried explaining my problems to people no one ever took me seriously. i was literally told by a mental health support team that i'm ruining my family by being like this and i'm just acting like this for attention. my family don't take me seriously at all. they think prayer is the solution for everything. i'm not good at school or studying and i don't rlly have any hobbies anymore. the things i'm interested embarrass me because i can't fit in with anyone but i can't get myself to like anything new because i'm too depressed to enjoy anything. i can't even get a job or keep friends or have a long term relationship. everyone i've been interested in just used me for a day and never wanted to see me again. the only relationship i had couldn't even last a month but it was the happiest i had ever been. it was the only time i felt normal and loved and wanted in my whole life but i'm a regret and a mistake in everyone's lives and nothing good ever lasts for me. every time i look forward to something it never happens or goes the way i want it to so it's like i'm just not meant to be happy or feel loved. when i see how things always end up working out for other people and not me it just makes me realise that life just isn't meant for me. yeah so ig that kinda explains everything and why i want to do it

 

[EternalShore]

i wish i could've died on october 18th last year. every year for me was horrible but late september to early/mid october last year was the happiest i had ever been. the next day i ruined everything.

I'm sorry for whatever you did that ruined it all~ :( Considering how recent it is, perhaps you could reclaim it all~ Altho, I wouldn't ever know without more context~

 

[huntermellow]

I'm sorry for whatever you did that ruined it all~ :( Considering how recent it is, perhaps you could reclaim it all~ Altho, I wouldn't ever know without more context~

unfortunately nothing is gonna change cos it was a relationship

 

[pain6batch9]

unfortunately nothing is gonna change cos it was a relationship

The one that got away. I have loads of those.

 

[skylight7]

i want to die but i also don't. i wish i could've experienced a full happy life but i'm really not meant to be happy. everything just keeps getting worse every year. i'm kind of scared of dying. i want to be reincarnated and i hope i will be reincarnated as the person i've always wanted to be. but i'm scared of nothingness after death. i wish i didn't have to live a life full of regrets and mistakes. i hate who i am and i can never get over or recover from everything that's happened. i hate that i'll never be normal no matter how hard i try. i'm so unlovable i'm not even likeable. everyone always leaves me which just further confirms that i'm the problem. it's been proven time and time again that i will never be able to be happy or normal or be loved. i'll never have the life i desire. and even if i get cold feet and i don't kill myself the date of my ctb it will definitely happen one day. it's just my fate. i wish i could just see into my future to see if it's worth staying around longer. but the longer i stay around the more bad memories i'll make and the more people i'll meet that will just end up hating me. nothing will ever get better and even if it does it will just get taken away from me like it always does. this feeling will always come back. i don't want to live remembering everything. i don't want to live with this anxiety and depression and the fact that everyone leaves me and hates me. i don't want to live as myself. i don't want to keep living as someone's mistake and regret. i wish i could've experienced all the things i wanted to experience. but i'm glad i got to do some of the things i've always wanted to.

Same.

 

[EternalShore]

unfortunately nothing is gonna change cos it was a relationship

figures~ hahh... happened to me too ig after a week and a half~ >_<
I don't think society realizes how bad it is... :(((