Venting I wish I didn't feel the need to talk with people. I just want to be satisfied with my own company.

[Imaginos]

And, that's the problem. I'm not. But, as far as my options go, I have no idea what to do about it. I posted here briefly for a time a couple years ago, but left when it seemed to not warrant the effort anymore. I just didn't know how to keep doing or saying anything. It all came off as utterly pointless. I've been using the internet for a number of decades now and, in all that time, I've never made a friend, or been a part of a community for any great length of time. This one was basically the longest. I struggle with my own sense of loneliness, but I'm too socially retarded to find a place for myself anywhere. I'm here again because, well, where else is there? I can't even lurk websites with social aspects due to the nausea they always inspire in me. I mean, to be honest, I really haven't spent much, or any, time on this website since I left either. Every website seems unapproachable to me, for one reason or another. They always move too fast, or are mired in cliquey popularity contests, or are just too otherwise risky to get involved in. In the end, I think I'm just hopeless. Being alone for so long has made everything painfully useless. I'm caught between my better judgement advising me to stay away from other people, and my emotional needs crying out for me to do it anyway. That's a really shitty place to be.

I mean, yeah, it'd be nice to know some people to play a video game with, or whatever, but I don't. I never have, as a matter of fact. Never have I had the ability to message some people I'm acquainted with and say; "Hey, want to play some Left 4 Dead, or something?". How do people get to know each other? It may as well be like a foreign language to me. I used to be okay being alone, but now I find that very hard, if not impossible, to still feel. I can't speak for other people, but I've been alone for an extremely long amount of time. I wonder if aloneness eventually just wears you down to a point where I'm at now. Sarte once said that; "If you're lonely when you're alone, then you're in bad company". Granted, I wouldn't want to spend time with myself if I were another person, but how did I manage to be so content about it in the past? I've been depressed for close to 20 years at least. It wasn't until 6 years ago where loneliness and isolation started to ravage me. It's become the case for me now that unless I have others to share my thoughts/interests with, then nothing means anything. I used to be able to assign and be satisfied with my own sense of self, but that crumbled away long ago. I can't tell if this is just an inevitable consequence of my extreme isolation, or is just a character flaw of mine. Either way, it's a very frustrating thing to grapple with.

As it stands, I just endure my way through this stuff, which makes every proceeding day more unpleasant than the last. To be perfectly honest, I don't think there's an answer for this. At least not for me. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Being tortured by my own isolation, but forever unable to interact with anyone or anything beyond the most minimal capacity, and only even that occasionally. I guess, that's just how it is.

It's a pretty unfair predicament to find oneself in, since not only was I denied participating in the flesh and blood world, but I was also denied participating in the digital world as well. I know that many others who are otherwise socially anxious can be quite social online, but I've never been one of them. My anxiety and lack of ability to form connections has followed me everywhere, and that includes any aspect of the internet you could mention.

 

[Luchs]

I wish I still felt the need to talk to people. I'm a pretty social person. I love talking to people and never have a hard time meeting new people, I really want to have loads of contact with people, but the motivation and everything to do so is not there. I have no excuse to feel alone, I don't have anxiety, I have loads of friends and acquaintances, but due to lacking motivation I just isolate myself more and more.

 

[Callie Arcale]

@Imaginos I read your entire post and there's a part of me that screams with the desire to write something meaningful to lighten your burden just a little. But I've got nothing...

I have never been part of a community either irl or online. I was a member of SS last year, I quit after a while, and now I came back with a new account. This place is the only forum where I am somewhat "at home" because I feel my despair gets drowned by the thousands of other voices who pour our their pain in every post. I feel invisible here, or rather my suffering and self-hate are invisible here, because there are so many others like me that I don't stand out. I'm just another face, just another story. And that comforts me. I am alone and lonely but at least I am just as alone and lonely as everyone else.

I'm tired of being an outsider. Here I am outside, but in a weird way, also inside.

(Here's a hug from me to you.)

 

[Makko]

I enjoy my own company the most when I contrast it with the company of others. After a day of work, I can't describe how grateful I am to retreat to my dark private corner.

To be able to appreciate the wonders of solitude you need to be socialised to some extent, even if it's surface-level like an internet forum or colleagues at work. Unless you're cut out to be a 100% self-sufficient noble savage hermit in the woods, which you're apparently not, there's no way around this.

 

[Imaginos]

To be able to appreciate the wonders of solitude you need to be socialised to some extent, even if it's surface-level like an internet forum or colleagues at work. Unless you're cut out to be a 100% self-sufficient noble savage hermit in the woods, which you're apparently not, there's no way around this.

Yes, that's probably true to some extent. It's still certainly a frustrating predicament to be in. You're right though that in the rare times I've felt furthest from solitude, the more I paradoxically seem to want to return to it. But, of course, if I rest in it too long, then I'm right back to feeling profoundly dissatisfied again. It's an annoying balance that, honestly, I don't think I have it within me to maintain. Making friends online is something that itself feels like an overwhelming prospect. One that would probably send me running back to the shadows from whence I came as soon as possible. My mind is divided on this and, as is the case with most other things, just can't seem make up an idea of what it actually wants. I'm hoping that perhaps just posting on SS will be enough for me in this regard. Despite what I sometimes think that I want, posting online in a forum like this is really the furthest extent to which I even want, or am capable, of having a social presence with anyone. In that sense, it'll have to do.

I feel invisible here, or rather my suffering and self-hate are invisible here, because there are so many others like me that I don't stand out. I'm just another face, just another story. And that comforts me. I am alone and lonely but at least I am just as alone and lonely as everyone else.

You know, to be honest, I actually hadn't thought about it like that. On some level, there is indeed a level of comfort in this, even for me. Everyone can just sort of say how it is they feel and move on without much fuss. There's definitely some convenience in that sort of thing, for sure.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

One of my favorite things to do before quarantine was watching shows with my friends. Since then I've watched a bunch of things by myself. On the one hand I do sort of miss being able to bounce ideas off people or laugh together at stuff but now I'm so used to binging by myself and getting through shows so quickly that I'm afraid I may not be able to go back if things ever normalize.

I guess what I'm trying to say is for me I was able to sort of just get used to being away from people I can talk to (my family doesn't really count). And yet now that I have gotten used to it I feel like it'll just get harder to go back...

 

[Kurushii]

I know this is an old post but I'd like to talk about this and my experience as I can relate.

I've never been in any in person communities. There were no clubs I wanted to join in high school and there certainly aren't any I would want to be a part of now that I'm out. They all just seem.. boring, for a lack of a better word. I wouldn't fit in many online communities either. Even if I was visiting and talking frequently I just didn't feel like I was a part of it. Like an outsider who didn't belong there. Who didn't even belong anywhere.

I still ended up making some "friends" somehow and it was okay. I more or less know what to say to make people happy but if I showed my real personality they would be drawn away. I ended up losing most of those "friends" in the end because I suppose we just weren't compatible. At first I was upset but eventually I got used to it. And I got used to not telling anyone any true feelings unless they were positive. i hate people i wanna be fine with being alone i wanna tear away my human need for companionship

"If you're lonely when you're alone, then you're in bad company".

If I were another person I'd love to spend time with myself.. or maybe I'm biased. I think for the most part, I'm glad enough being alone but still end up getting lonely anyway. Theres just so many times where I'm bored and have nothing to do and whatever I think of that changes based on my mood.

I don't like people. They're just blegh (except for the people here, you're the best!)
I do want to be fine being alone and not needing any contact with others. I want to be satisfied with just my own company too. It's sort of heart breaking when you just want to talk to a friend, but simply can't. I want to tear away my human need for companionship. I know it's probably impossible but I want to try anyway. I might as well try