trying ungracefully
Student
- Jun 11, 2025
- 140
I saw someone describe the feeling as a warm hug before you fall asleep. It's feel so emotionally alone and I just want it to stop. I took 1500mg of gabapentin and 100mg of seroquel because it's all I have to try and sleep and it's not working and didn't even work for anxiety. Everyday feels hopeless and I just want that warm hug before sleep.
I have weed but that's not working either and it hasn't worked for the longest time because my tolerance is so high and I can't take a break because it's the one thing that gives me at least a bit of relief from life. I am just so tired everyday even though I am not physically tired. Weed definitely became a gate way drug for me but I have no means of getting the drug so that's that lol. It really sucks.
I just wish it was the next day, the next day, and the next day. Everyday I have a visual representation of how I let the days pass by my laundry building up to the point I haven't done it in a month just because I hoard clothes just so I don't have to wash them. It's already the 24th and I have done nothing this whole month except feel like shit.
I'm cutting more and more and it's not bad because it is only one at a time but I don't want to be doing it. I try and fight it off but the feeling overpowers me and all of a sudden I am walking to get bandaids and taking out my blade. And it makes me feel so calm. I'll be sobbing but the process just calms me down and I stop crying and I feel in control, that's the whole point. I hate it though because I am not really in control when I don't want to be doing it.
When is life every going to get better lol. I thought I was doing good but then reality hit again and it is this way again. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about medication changes but I don't think it can fix everything, maybe I can get her to over prescribe and get me like a zombie so I don't have to be a person. Looking back I hated but loved being a zombie, everything didn't matter.
I have weed but that's not working either and it hasn't worked for the longest time because my tolerance is so high and I can't take a break because it's the one thing that gives me at least a bit of relief from life. I am just so tired everyday even though I am not physically tired. Weed definitely became a gate way drug for me but I have no means of getting the drug so that's that lol. It really sucks.
I just wish it was the next day, the next day, and the next day. Everyday I have a visual representation of how I let the days pass by my laundry building up to the point I haven't done it in a month just because I hoard clothes just so I don't have to wash them. It's already the 24th and I have done nothing this whole month except feel like shit.
I'm cutting more and more and it's not bad because it is only one at a time but I don't want to be doing it. I try and fight it off but the feeling overpowers me and all of a sudden I am walking to get bandaids and taking out my blade. And it makes me feel so calm. I'll be sobbing but the process just calms me down and I stop crying and I feel in control, that's the whole point. I hate it though because I am not really in control when I don't want to be doing it.
When is life every going to get better lol. I thought I was doing good but then reality hit again and it is this way again. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about medication changes but I don't think it can fix everything, maybe I can get her to over prescribe and get me like a zombie so I don't have to be a person. Looking back I hated but loved being a zombie, everything didn't matter.
