It's not easy to "just deal with it" or to be a "high functional" suicidal person so please don't blame yourself. It's not as easy as "just doing" something sometimes. You've come to this conclusion now, so go ahead and start working on it now. You can still get a job now. But you can't change the past so try not to dwell over your "mistakes". I also wouldn't call them mistakes, they might seem like mistakes to you now but at the time it was probably your only option to survive. So is it really a mistake if it was your only choice?
Anyways, I wish you all the best moving forward, don't be so hard on yourself.