I wish i could be a narcissist

[Playingwiththedead]

I have been hurt by just about everyone thats ever been important to me, i wish i could flip the script on them. I wish i could be as smart and agile with my thinking as to know the perfect ways to lie and manipulate and have the perfect image to fit any person i meet so that i am respected by everyone and nobody ever knows who i really am/ will ever have access to my real self to hurt. Our society encourages these kinds of people, youre taught to put on a mask and lie and thats how you get to the top, instead of being traumatized and given cptsd i wish i couldve developed narcissism so i could have the natural thought process of a person like that and be able to move through life as easily and pretty as they do. I was raised in a way that made me the most vulnerable of targets and the easiest to pick on. I am tired of telling the truth because my truth is getting me taken advantage of in every which way and i always end up getting humiliated in front of everybody. I am too far through life to be able to suddenly change how i am perceived, so now i just want to be forgotten by everyone when i die. I was constantly misinterpreted and not taken seriously so everyone sees me as a clumsy mess and i dont want there to be any memory of that person, thats not who i was but it will be impossible for me to be remembered by most any other way