I will never know love because I'll never have a family

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Seeing unforgettable graduations, holidays, nights out and other kodak moments captured in picture perfect social media posts only heightens my desire for death. I will never have any of this, not even any of the mediocre moments, and this fact only solidifies that eventually I will have to quit being a baby and chug that putrid, salty poison.

Not only am I invisibly disabled, but I don't have a soul in this world who gives a damn and that makes everything harder irrespective of my health problems. I will never know a mothers love, or a fathers guidance. I'll never have loving siblings or cousins to drink and shoot the shit with. No aunts or uncles to hang out with and share funny stories, because my only only is dead.

I'll never have friends that feel like family because I am an autistic freak who can't connect. Getting another taste of the 9-5 lifestyle while being in horrible physical pain only proves to me how futile it all is. Pushing through really awful pain and fatigue with no reprieve, and no end goal in sight is not worth it.

Never knowing love is a terrible fate. If I were loved I wouldn't have to hurt myself trying to scrape by for scraps. Having someone to take care of me would ease so much of my pain, so I wouldn't have to keep pushing past my limits while sick, but I was doomed to do nothing but hurt on life simply because I fell out of the wrong vagina on the wrong piece of land.

I wish I could drink it all now and make this suffering go away. At least when I finally get the courage to take that last leap, no longer waiting at the bus stop, I will be free of this intense heartache anf pain.

 

[Pluto]

I feel exactly the same way. Having challenges in life is one thing, but being unable to give and receive love is on another level. While social media is known to be toxic due to the artificially curated content, even in the 'real world', I am the only person I know with no loving family and no ability to connect in fulfilling ways with others.

None of these normies is in any position to judge us for doing what we probably have to do if quality of life is lower than anything they could imagine.

 

[freedompass]

I have a son who is pretty much estranged at this point, though that could change in the future I suppose. A really elderly mother who won't be around much longer. A brother who hasn't been close though we've at least started talking now. I am pretty much my mum's carer at this point. It does remind me that this old age shit is coming for me next and unlike mum I will likely have no one to cushion me against its worst effects. When I fell over and badly broke my arm I had 5 hellish days in hospital waiting for surgery. Other patients had relatives and friends crowding around their beds. I had no one, a sobering reminder of what could await if I live too long. I recognise I am fortunate to have any family at all. Most people take theirs for granted…it's no joke being truly alone in this world.

 

[annique]

I feel you. Love is able to make many things a lot more bearable, because you know you aren't completely left alone in this world, and you know you've got someone you can share your deepest emotions with. Going through life feeling a profound sensation of loniless is devastating. What are we left with? As you said, a 9-5 routine of stress to survive on this planet. Constantly fighting against our own bodies so they don't get sick and worsen our lives even more. All of that so we hope we can retire when we get old. What for? We haven't felt loved throughtout most of our lives. Was it really worth living that far and now being always on the verge of a plethora of diseases?

I really wish we had people in our lives who could truly undestand us. Whom we could count on when we are in times of need.

Hopefully, soon I'm leaving all of this behind and returning to the void. While we're still here, though, you can talk to me if you want to vent or to talk about anything anytime, ok?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

This is where I am in life, too. All my relatives have died. I'm the last one. My mom just died last year. I have no friends to speak of. The one thing I did have when my mother was alive is that I knew I was loved. With her death, there is no one in this world who loves me. That's an odd feeling to have. It's the first time in my life that I've experienced it. When I start having health issues, or more serious ones, there's going to be no one for support, even to just visit me, should I end up in the hospital. That situation is not, in the least, appealing to me. More so than being alone in this world not a joke, it's more of a bad joke. I could never have imagined finding myself in this situation at this stage of my life. Any stage of life, really. I think the choice to ctb was really made for me. I see no other way.

 

[Seiba]

I don't have many words, not helped by being up at 3 am and preparing for another closing shift at two pm. In the end, even with kind words every now and then we're forced to carry things on our own. It's just reactivity without actual maintenance. The plant must be watered, simply telling it to believe so will do nothing for it. Unfortunately, they don't want to pay any price and they have no problem with singular people facing that alone. You haven't lived in a world where needing help, and from what I remember just it being anticipated that you needed some was enough to upset others.

Being told at the same time to simply ask for help by the media and every article likely does not help things. It is forced isolation while simultaneously society claims if you just asked the problem would go away. It reminds me of reading about therapist who had clients die by suicide, and they eventually all fall back on documentation and it's never partially their fault. All the suicidal person had to do was ask for help. This forcefully ignores that the help is prevention, and not assistance. If someone does not tell you about their suicidality in session, but brought up seemingly mundane issues or not of the severity of suicide it is likely because the person was trying to determine if the person would be partially useful for even those problems.

It is essentially being in the passenger seat, continually kicking the dash with their feet, blasting music from their own headphones and jamming out while someone is simply trying to steer the car on ice. Yes, they do not have full responsibility but they they refuse to take any in any amount.
Medical while claiming all the work is done yourself and they only help you on the path you desire. They don't exist to fix or help, only to help with introspection. They will never force the answer on you or so the standard says, it is about what you want until you mention wanting suicide. Then they revert it back to being medical and higher standard of care. Any desire is granted on the basis of it being a desire, and it is moral failure for it not be conquered by a person alone unless it is deemed to be of societal severity such as suicide.

The same largely for many people in life, they are fine with you paying any price -- be it being homeless, sleep deprived, physically suffering invisibly, and may even try to downplay or simply get mad at simply having to witness someone not have a solvable problem with a five minute talk. Failing that, they will simply claim it is the way of things. God forbid if their legs were cut off in a similar way.

There are no answers to this as far as I know. I have been thinking on a similar topic for a while. The problem ultimately persist from society wanting to force reciprocation, and otherwise why they say it gets better or simply to ask people for help. Happiness blooms from within on a sign in the breakroom, walk a bit further and it says to make sure to smile and greet every customer within ten feet. What it comes down to regardless of what admitted is expected servitude and obligation, but obligation is someone willingly accepting a price of having loved someone. You can't force someone to live for the sake of others when the same people have treated them with disregard and no acknowledgement.

I think we are somewhat similar in having to deal with continual isolation and not existing in this world. Our answers are a bit different, I've become more resolved with the lack of malleable attributes to other people, their social attitudes, and how little they will offer while screaming at you the same time to offer more. They simply desire to state a "This sucks, man." and never hear anything about the depth of problems or else it is dumping.
When you eventually relent, they will declare they thought you were doing better simply because you gave up on bothering when every interaction came with continual harm.

Regardless of what it is left, be it letters or directly telling them they will simply make their own answer in the face of things. I won't exist in this world if I leave or stay and my failed attempts will always be brushed under the rug. No one will bother to analyze why it ended the way it did considering no one could be bothered to take any preventive measures for it to not end there in the first place. This isn't to say my answer is better, in both worlds coming to terms with continually being led on for scraps or simply declaring yourself not hungry when other people would have starved is likely not healthy. It is just my attempt to say I understand the severity of what you are emotionally dealing with. The answers are superficially different but both are painful.

I've seen you have a self hating tone here and there from post, and I don't think you deserve to feel that way. Realistically you do deserve to have some of the burden lifted and acknowledged in your life. You've put it continual work over and over to try to force things to work even under the pressure of no one ever acknowledging it, being able to seemingly to do something one day determining them all from there on. I'm aware claims of strength mean little, even less so when you are so ill. I won't bother calling you strong, but I do think it needs to be acknowledged that it is lack of regard that other people have more so than specific character flaws. The dedication to others when they are not of direct benefit has lessened and lessened -- likely not helped that many are privileged despite their poor health for it to fail when they are of a age or role that is societally acceptable to be taken care of. Being in your twenties with continual degrading health is a double set of challenges on top of already being sick.

 

[LastFlowers]

Seeing unforgettable graduations, holidays, nights out and other kodak moments captured in picture perfect social media posts only heightens my desire for death. I will never have any of this, not even any of the mediocre moments, and this fact only solidifies that eventually I will have to quit being a baby and chug that putrid, salty poison.

Not only am I invisibly disabled, but I don't have a soul in this world who gives a damn and that makes everything harder irrespective of my health problems. I will never know a mothers love, or a fathers guidance. I'll never have loving siblings or cousins to drink and shoot the shit with. No aunts or uncles to hang out with and share funny stories, because my only only is dead.

I'll never have friends that feel like family because I am an autistic freak who can't connect. Getting another taste of the 9-5 lifestyle while being in horrible physical pain only proves to me how futile it all is. Pushing through really awful pain and fatigue with no reprieve, and no end goal in sight is not worth it.

Never knowing love is a terrible fate. If I were loved I wouldn't have to hurt myself trying to scrape by for scraps. Having someone to take care of me would ease so much of my pain, so I wouldn't have to keep pushing past my limits while sick, but I was doomed to do nothing but hurt on life simply because I fell out of the wrong vagina on the wrong piece of land.

I wish I could drink it all now and make this suffering go away. At least when I finally get the courage to take that last leap, no longer waiting at the bus stop, I will be free of this intense heartache anf pain.

I think you have had great success in connecting with people on this forum through your prolific efforts in posting and outlining relatable points of suffering in an intelligent and compassionate way that hits home for many and helps to explain particularly cruel aspects of this hell that are usually more difficult to express in a sound fashion.

But I understand what you mean, personally out of the only 3 things I would desire and need to continue living (or to have remained upright in this world from the start), a loving family of origin is one of them.
And I can honestly say that such a thing is a dream very distant from my reality.
I've tried..even from the pits of misery, tried to volunteer my own existence to be acknowledged with little to no effect, just a pathetic and empty feeling afterward.
It is very painful, I don't even vie or yearn for romance or any other connections really, I just wanted to feel equal and important to my relatives, for my struggles to matter to them..for who I am to so much as pique their interest, but alas, they could not care less.
And I cared far too much for far too long.

I have zero documented moments of genuine joy or togetherness, or anything else that makes up a pleasant and memorable flash in time.
Nothing real or permissible to see the light of day, not even to hold close for my own calm and private satisfaction.
It's all wrong.
To see others post and boast and dance in the rays of prosperity without incredible need of fortitude is a contrast too ruthless to bear.

I'll be drinking the brine in due time as well.

My situation may not be exactly alike to your own, but your words still ring in my ears with intense familiarity.
I am sorry you have been forced to endure such pain.

 

[Againstthewind]

In the same boat as you.
Loneliness eh?
I tried explaining why I was so sad, but nothing would come out, that was when I realized It was a fire which I hold close to my skin and to see how much pain I can stand before running the water, every damn day.
I wish you peace OP.

 

[FuneralCry]

For many people, life just seems to be endless problems and misery all for the sake of it and in a life like this, it can be impossible to escape from suffering. It is sad how life drives people to this point. Existence is so cruel and unfair. I hope that you find freedom from your pain. Best wishes.