I will never forgive my mother

[eternaldream]

I have been reading this site for a long time, but I only registered today.
I want to share my story, I'm in so much pain and I'm so tired, I just want to disappear, fall asleep and never wake up again. My mother ruined my entire existence. I have everything I need for happiness, but I will never experience it again
When I was a child, my mother got married often, I changed many schools, I faced bullying and harassment, I was once raped by my stepfather, I cannot live with these traumas. I constantly come back to this in my mind, I also have many scars from self-harm, as well as a scar from an accident that occurred due to the fault of my stepfather, he often drank and drove. I cannot forgive my mother for not asking my opinion, not asking how I feel myself, and always chose men, although I am her only daughter.
Now I met the guy of my dreams, I pretended to be like everyone else for a couple of days, went to a club and even felt like an ordinary girl. I imagined our future and was flying in the clouds, until I realized that I could never become normal again. I don't want to ruin his life. I've been through too much, I constantly think about death, and also about the fact that if all this hadn't happened to me, It's not my fault I was just a child. But unfortunately, even one event can affect the rest of your life. I'm 24 now, I'm planning a ctb before I turn 25

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, I understand why you'd just wish to never wake again. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Amyend88]

I'm 25 now and still haven't forgive my mother. But maybe one day.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My mother was a narcissistic bitch and completely ruined my childhood. She drove my biological father away and married a nasty little man who was a paedophile.
I had psychological development problems due to the abuse I suffered and as a result have never been able to form relationships.
I will never ever forgive her.
So sorry you've been through this kind of thing too.

 

[Blue Elephant]

This is.. wow! How can parents be so ignorant!? So oblivious!? so evil!?
I mean, ok, I know dads can be fucking trash but mothers too!?

I'm thinking about it but.. is there any animal mother who doesn't ferociously love their offspring and would kill and die for their good?

I'm sorry @eternaldream and @Amyend88 and @Nembutal dreams. : (

 

[Rational man]

Ive read or have seen many situations like this. I believe children and adults are scarred by abuse in all forms and it would be good to see laws passed to punish parents who have destroyed their children. I too was abused physically and emotionally and I carry the scars, even though Im a little bit older than you. Not sure we ever forget because Ive never been able to trust the people close to me. I always feel that I will be abandoned like I was in my directionless childhood. I made good some of my life by helping other people who are damaged in some way but still, my life was scarred. Im very sorry to hear your story.

 

[voyager]

Will never understand parents who choose a partner over their kids or people in general who destroy the serenity of one's home. One should feel safe and comfortable there. My mum never brought anyone home, not even her closest boyfriend, and I'm thankful for that. So while I can only imagine what it must be like to endure that, I can very well relate to reality coming down like a shutter on one's dreams. But I would suggest that you leave him to decide if ihe wants to call it off. Surely, there's no harm for now and you both seem to be making each other happy.

 

[cutecats12]

Damn life was a harsh thing u had to unconsensually cope and i sincerely feel really bad for you,hope you get the peace you seek.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

My mother was a narcissistic bitch and completely ruined my childhood. She drove my biological father away and married a nasty little man who was a paedophile.
I had psychological development problems due to the abuse I suffered and as a result have never been able to form relationships.
I will never ever forgive her.
So sorry you've been through this kind of thing too.

I had a similar childhood to u guys. I can't get past how it wrecked my adulthood too. U don't just grow up and then all the neglect, abuse, and loss as a result just magically goes away. You're set up for a really unhappy life, disability, premature death.

 

[Amyend88]

I had a similar childhood to u guys. I can't get past how it wrecked my adulthood too. U don't just grow up and then all the neglect, abuse, and loss as a result just magically goes away. You're set up for a really unhappy life and disability, premature death.

Scars never leave you as they say. Leiston.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I had a similar childhood to u guys. I can't get past how it stole my adulthood too.

So sorry you went through a similar thing.
I sometimes wonder if these awful people actually realise that their dreadful behaviour results in lifelong side - effects on the person they have abused ?
It's almost impossible to forget certain types of both physical and psychological abuse.
My mother and stepfather are dead, yet they are still tormenting me because of flashbacks and ptsd.

 

[sad_rock]

So sorry you went through a similar thing.
I sometimes wonder if these awful people actually realise that their dreadful behaviour results in lifelong side - effects on the person they have abused ?
It's almost impossible to forget certain types of both physical and psychological abuse.
My mother and stepfather are dead, yet they are still tormenting me because of flashbacks and ptsd.

Sadly, most ppl see parenthood as absolute power so they lack awareness into their actions. Children are seen as lesser causing inescapable abuse. No one holds the abusive parents accountable except the suffering of the powerless child. The child's suffering brings no avail to redirect their abusers actions,but a fuel.
Also from personal experiences, abusive parents become enraged when offered insight into their damaging actions. They hate awareness as it harms them when in reality they are already actively harming the child.
Realization hurts them so they take it out on the child.
Realization hurts them so they take it out on the child.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Sadly, most ppl see parenthood as absolute power so they lack awareness into their actions. Children are seen as lesser causing inescapable abuse. No one holds the abusive parents accountable except the suffering of the powerless child. The child's suffering brings no avail to redirect their abusers actions,but a fuel.
Also from personal experiences, abusive parents become enraged when offered insight into their damaging actions. They hate awareness as it harms them when in reality they are already actively harming the child.

Totally agree. I confronted my parents later in life and they were incapable of seeing how awful they had been, and did indeed get angry.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Sadly, most ppl see parenthood as absolute power so they lack awareness into their actions. Children are seen as lesser causing inescapable abuse. No one holds the abusive parents accountable except the suffering of the powerless child. The child's suffering brings no avail to redirect their abusers actions,but a fuel.
Also from personal experiences, abusive parents become enraged when offered insight into their damaging actions. They hate awareness as it harms them when in reality they are already actively harming the child.

It wouldn't be so bad if the childhood abuse ended once u got away, but then after u become an adult, now you're in for more abuse because in many ways u are disabled from the impact of the unmet needs in crucial developmental years, and ptsd. So relationships are compromised and possibly you struggle with supporting yourself. If u become too beat down u end up homeless and abused by the system.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

It wouldn't be so bad if the childhood abuse ended once u got away, but then after u become an adult, now you're in for more abuse because in many ways u are disabled from the impact of the unmet needs in crucial developmental years, and ptsd. So relationships are compromised and possibly you struggle with supporting yourself. If u become too beat down u end up homeless and abused by the system.

Yes, my relationships have definitely been compromised . The crazy thing is that I had a 6 year long relationship with my girlfriend who was also a narcissist like my mother. Looking back now, I can't understand how this happened.
It used to be the same with friendships, I always seemed to attract sociopaths, or narcissists.
I just keep to myself now and isolate from society in general.
I began suffering from clinical depression aged 7 and its never gone away
I also lived in my car for almost a year during 2022 and 2023, so yes, abuse definitely has a lifelong impact.
I just want to go to sleep now and never wake up again.

It wouldn't be so bad if the childhood abuse ended once u got away, but then after u become an adult, now you're in for more abuse because in many ways u are disabled from the impact of the unmet needs in crucial developmental years, and ptsd. So relationships are compromised and possibly you struggle with supporting yourself. If u become too beat down u end up homeless and abused by the system.

 

[HighFlight]

It continues to sadden me to see how many of the young people on this site blame their parents. And unfortunately, I can't disagree with any of the points that you raise, especially @eternaldream, @sad_rock, @Nembutal dreams, @Failedlife and everyone else. Failedlife, you allude to an endless cycle of abuse that can encompass generations. Nembutal dreams, yes, confronting then, even after years, can cause emotional outburst including anger and rage. (And just seeing your more recent reply just adds to my sadness.)

Generally speaking, people are on this site because they've reached a point in their life where they need to decide whether to go on. That is a very powerful decision, and one that also suggests you have the ability to make other powerful decisions - like breaking the cycle or understanding parents are flawed humans too.

{Shameless plug} I started a thread a few weeks ago about what you ask your parents to differently 10 or so years ago. I've received a lot of "abort me" responses, but I truly would be interested in your perspectives. Here's the link to that thread. I am curious to know, as this is helping me come to terms of everything I did wrong (and right) as a parent.

And @eternaldream, I hope that you can find some peace in you future, and maybe even look forward to a happy 25th birthday. But only you can decide.

 

[Painfu.Ll.suffering]

I have been reading this site for a long time, but I only registered today.
I want to share my story, I'm in so much pain and I'm so tired, I just want to disappear, fall asleep and never wake up again. My mother ruined my entire existence. I have everything I need for happiness, but I will never experience it again
When I was a child, my mother got married often, I changed many schools, I faced bullying and harassment, I was once raped by my stepfather, I cannot live with these traumas. I constantly come back to this in my mind, I also have many scars from self-harm, as well as a scar from an accident that occurred due to the fault of my stepfather, he often drank and drove. I cannot forgive my mother for not asking my opinion, not asking how I feel myself, and always chose men, although I am her only daughter.

I am so sorry... I also have a narcissistic mother... I just really realized it last year when I had an accident, my father had lost his drivers license and I was dependent on my mother (had I known, who she is and would I have told everyone that I don't have family everything could have turned out differently (but that's another story)...

Now I met the guy of my dreams, I pretended to be like everyone else for a couple of days, went to a club and even felt like an ordinary girl. I imagined our future and was flying in the clouds, until I realized that I could never become normal again. I don't want to ruin his life. I've been through too much, I constantly think about death, and also about the fact that if all this hadn't happened to me, It's not my fault I was just a child. But unfortunately, even one event can affect the rest of your life. I'm 24 now, I'm planning a ctb before I turn 25

I really hope you will be able to form a hope-bringing relationship as you are still young and your brain has "only" your age on "priming" with negative feelings and SI... From what I know and also the posts I read here (I am so thankful for this forum) I think, that besides the shitty situation you are in, you and your brain only know these feelings... so of course you think nothing will change... You said "I could never become normal again"... what is "normal" for you? There are so many broken people.... I think in this forum you are already normal... :D

But jokes aside... I am really sorry what happened to you and how you feel now... From my perspective it is a big resource that you still meet new people...
Let us knowhow the story with the guy continues, if you like :)

 

[mob]

It's hard to forgive someone who's caused you nothing but pain, and you're not obligated to forgive.

I'm sorry for what you went through; I also come from an abusive family, but in a much different way; I still can relate in a way though. Scars fade, but they don't heal and disappear completely. I can't promise you it'll all go away because it most probably won't. But that doesn't mean you can't be in relationships or do normal things normal people do. Wishing you the best.

 

[deadbody]

It never ceases to amaze me how many parents are actually bags full of shit. But often they are the ones who demand respect from you. But for what? Because they gave birth to you? I wish you the best and hope that there is at least a glimmer of light in your life. My parents are no better, maybe one day I'll share my story too.

 

[S like suicide]

My mother ruined my entire existence.

I relate to this so much...i hate my mother,she enjoys see me suffee and stab me in the heart even deeper.I wish her all the bad in the world

 

[Blue Elephant]

I had a similar childhood to u guys. I can't get past how it wrecked my adulthood too. U don't just grow up and then all the neglect, abuse, and loss as a result just magically goes away. You're set up for a really unhappy life, disability, premature death.

It wouldn't be so bad if the childhood abuse ended once u got away, but then after u become an adult, now you're in for more abuse because in many ways u are disabled from the impact of the unmet needs in crucial developmental years, and ptsd. So relationships are compromised and possibly you struggle with supporting yourself. If u become too beat down u end up homeless and abused by the system.

You are right about this! Just like when you suffer a physical injury which will affect you your whole life so will a psychological injury influence you, and sometimes you don't even know you have one.. I'm sorry @Failedlife. But there are possiblities for partial healing if you know what the problem is, if you're willing and if you're strong enough to fix it. Friends and lovers could help as well. But yeah, in general you're right, you're spot on!

So sorry you went through a similar thing.
I sometimes wonder if these awful people actually realise that their dreadful behaviour results in lifelong side - effects on the person they have abused ?
It's almost impossible to forget certain types of both physical and psychological abuse.
My mother and stepfather are dead, yet they are still tormenting me because of flashbacks and ptsd.

Totally agree. I confronted my parents later in life and they were incapable of seeing how awful they had been, and did indeed get angry.

I don't think they are ignorant on purpose, I think they don't want to understand the true nature of this reality, they deny it or their brains would break. Of course it could also be that they're just dumb. I'm sorry I'm not trying to belittle your parents, mine is more of a general view of the population. I mean no disrespect for you.

Yes, my relationships have definitely been compromised . The crazy thing is that I had a 6 year long relationship with my girlfriend who was also a narcissist like my mother. Looking back now, I can't understand how this happened.
It used to be the same with friendships, I always seemed to attract sociopaths, or narcissists.
I just keep to myself now and isolate from society in general.
I began suffering from clinical depression aged 7 and its never gone away
I also lived in my car for almost a year during 2022 and 2023, so yes, abuse definitely has a lifelong impact.
I just want to go to sleep now and never wake up again.

I think that people don't just come into our lives and take over, we accept them. I, you, we can choose who we want to be associated with and if there are no intelligent and good natured people around then we can always stand alone. I'm sorry about what you've been through! I guess you learned the same thing that I did: isolate. Fuck! but I don't know if this is the right way to go. I'm not saying that it isn't, I'm just saying that I really don't know.

Scars never leave you as they say. Leiston.

No, and they probably shouldn't! This is how we learn, this is how we remember.

 

[Painfu.Ll.suffering]

Yes, my relationships have definitely been compromised . The crazy thing is that I had a 6 year long relationship with my girlfriend who was also a narcissist like my mother. Looking back now, I can't understand how this happened.

Maybe because you were treated like that in childhood, it feels familiar and its "repetition compulsion"...?
Or because narcissists are good at manipulating, finding out how to control you emotionally and have more "faces" which we cannot understand and therefore we fall for them. As children with nar. unhealthy parents did not learn to be treated with respect (and many don't have clear boundaries) it is easier to oversee the abuse longer.
And even healthy people fall for narcissists ...