I will never be free

[brokensea]

I had a convo with my ex who has threatened to commit suicide if I do. I thought he was coming to terms and accepting things.

I was making plans after my trip to CTB. I finally accepted it. I was looking forward to it. I felt calm. Finally in the right place.

Then in a conversation today they said that they're not ok with it. That I can do what I want but then they'll do what they want. They gave away almost everything they own and donated most of their money in anticipation of my suicide and they have kids and are for sure going to die if I do. I have no one. I can't be responsible for that.

I feel like I'm in hell or in a prison. I finally thought they could accept this and stop threatening me but they won't. Now I feel trapped here and I don't know how to even cope with that. I don't know how to live this life in this misery. I feel devastated. I really wanted to die.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think it's admirable you're trying to avoid causing harm but his emotional reactions to things are his own and you can't be responsible for them. It might be said as a parent he has a greater obligation to his children to stay alive than you do to him but he doesn't seem to put any stock into that obligation while making demands of you. You can see how that could be called untenably unfair.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You're not responsible for what anyone else does. Isn't it said that life is like 1/3 what happens to us, and 2/3 how we respond to it, or something like that? Their 2/3 response is on them. Suicide is about you. What they do is about them. This may sound a little cruel, but it is what it is. It's too hard to live your life for others, and just as hard to not die for others. Actually, someone else threatening suicide if you do is the ultimate passive-aggressive behavior. It's just another form of wanting to control someone else. How you react to that is going to be your 2/3 response. Just saying.

 

[Finding Sirius]

This is a very tough situation, and unfortunately it seems that you have more care for your ex's child then they do. That being said, this may come off as cold, but it has nothing to do with you. As someone raised in a family of narcissist, the actions of your ex play right into the narcissist playbook. I obviously cannot speak to your relationship, but it seems like this is their last stand in trying to control you. You have no obligation to stay for them or their child. The fact that they are entertaining abandoning THEIR obligation to keep hooks in you is disgusting. You don't owe anyone anything. I hope you are able to find peace, both in this situation and with your ctb.

 

[brokensea]

@Finding Sirius @locked*n*loaded @LaVieEnRose, Thank you all for your replies. I brought this up and he says that his kids will be financially taken care of and will be fine. It doesn't make sense to me. He caused a lot of pain in my life and has a lot of guilt so he says if I end my life then he will go to. That he couldn't live with himself but then at the same time he's unfairly trapping me in a miserable existence. I really can't find it in me to be ok with him doing that over me. For his kids to lose their dad. I don't have anyone my circumstances are different. I wish there was a way out of this. I just don't know how. He's so far from the thinking here and thinks I have things to live for and people who care when I absolutely do not. I will never be happy being trapped here. I feel like I don't know how I'm going to even function at some point if I have to continue to live like this.

He thinks maybe he's saving me I don't know. All I'm doing is being tormented and filled with guilt. Suffering when I no longer have the strength to suffer but I feel I have to anyway. It's truly unbearable but I just can't take someone away from their kids. I know in some way I don't have control over what he decides to do but it's really hard to truly be ok with that happening as a direct result of me.

And it is unfair he'd leave his kids if I died and then tells me I need to stay for him. I really can't make sense of him feeling this way. He has shown me proof he's gotten rid of a lot of things and donated most of his money to show he's serious. It's a terrible situation to be in. He says I'm the most important person in his life. But how can you force someone to live against their will?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry to sound so disrespectful to him but he's using emotional blackmail on you and it's terribly unfair.

It could well be that it comes from a place of 'love'- that he simply wouldn't be able to face the world without you. I expect a lot of people feel that about their significant others. Still- it utterly ignores the pain you are in. I do actually believe that 'if you truly love someone- you let them go.' I feel like real love shouldn't be selfish. It should be about the other person and wanting what's best for them. I guess he just doesn't see life from your perspective- that ctb feels like it's your best option but I feel like he ought to make more effort to do so rather than threaten you with his own death if you go ahead with it.

Also, to say his children will be just fine without him is just mind boggling to me.

Personally, if it were me, I don't think I'd raise the issue again with him, although I realise the damage has already been done unfortunately and I'm sorry.

 

[makethepainstop]

No one can truly control another, his actions are his yours are yours. Not a right or wrong scenario, just different perspectives.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really awful situation to be in, it must be hard to deal with. Nobody should have to feel trapped here against their wishes, if someone is guilt tripped and feels like they have to stay then existence really is nothing more than a prison. But I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[hellispink]

I would have zero consideration and respect for someone who does that to me. If I was in this spot, I would still leave. Easy? Not really. But what is definitely not easier is staying for the sake of someone selfish and obviously manipulative. If they want to die after me, be it. It is not much of my problem. They have a choice to make and we are different free individuals. We were not born attached. If they were to do it is because they choose to. It is not like I am going to be making my life more miserable over anyone, I already have enough with myself.

 

[brokensea]

I'm sorry to sound so disrespectful to him but he's using emotional blackmail on you and it's terribly unfair.

It could well be that it comes from a place of 'love'- that he simply wouldn't be able to face the world without you. I expect a lot of people feel that about their significant others. Still- it utterly ignores the pain you are in. I do actually believe that 'if you truly love someone- you let them go.' I feel like real love shouldn't be selfish. It should be about the other person and wanting what's best for them. I guess he just doesn't see life from your perspective- that ctb feels like it's your best option but I feel like he ought to make more effort to do so rather than threaten you with his own death if you go ahead with it.

Also, to say his children will be just fine without him is just mind boggling to me.

Personally, if it were me, I don't think I'd raise the issue again with him, although I realise the damage has already been done unfortunately and I'm sorry.

I agree with this so much and it's nice to know someone understands. If he truly wanted what was best for me what feels best for me is to not live the rest of my life suffering. I can't have children anymore or a family and I've been through too much and life is meaningless to me and has been nothing but pain and numbness for two years. I am alone and have no quality of life. Nothing about this world interests me and continuing to live is only to make me suffer and the things in my life wrong are not temporary or fixable and won't ever be ok and I will not overcome them. Thank you for validating how I feel.

That sounds like a really awful situation to be in, it must be hard to deal with. Nobody should have to feel trapped here against their wishes, if someone is guilt tripped and feels like they have to stay then existence really is nothing more than a prison. But I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

It does feel exactly like I am in a prison in hell. In a cage and forced to be here because I have compassion that I don't want someone to lose their life over mine.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You need to remember that MOST people don't want to kill themselves, and are incapable of killing themselves. His is most likely just an empty threat to keep you from killing yourself. Most normal fathers who love their kids, even if the kids would be taken care of, would be incapable of killing themselves, even if someone they were close to killed theirself. I agree with the other poster, in that this is pure emotional blackmail. It's a control tactic. You need to make up your own mind what you want to do, whether that is to live, or to ctb. No one's trying to tell you what to do. I'm only telling you how I see it, and how I would react if in this same situation. I can't stay miserable just to make someone else happy.