I will kill myself if I can't achieve my dream

[Wouldpecker]

Therapy doesn't work for me, meds don't work for me, "reaching out" doesn't work for me. That's all about accepting my life and being happy. If I could do that I wouldn't. I believe that people who accept the things they can not change are pitiable. To live for the sake of living and enjoy it is a fate worse than death. I will not be mediocre, I will not be average. I would rather die. And I do not think that is wrong. I am fucking sick of people trying to convince me that it is wrong. I have no respect for the happy and the dull.

I will try to achieve my dream. The first step is to see if I have any promise at all. I think I might, which is why I am still here. I do not think it is enough, and I am pretty sure I will kill myself, but if I do not at least try then I will be accepting the things I cannot change and that is despicable.

I have a pretty good life. It's one that most people would love to have. I wish I could trade it to someone who would appreciate it, who does not think the way I do. But that is not possible. And I will not change the way I think. I must be determined to try as hard as I can before I give up on my dream. It's killing me, I know that, and I revel in it.

I am grateful I can say all of this here.

 

[sserafim]

Therapy doesn't work for me, meds don't work for me, "reaching out" doesn't work for me. That's all about accepting my life and being happy. If I could do that I wouldn't. I believe that people who accept the things they can not change are pitiable. To live for the sake of living and enjoy it is a fate worse than death. I will not be mediocre, I will not be average. I would rather die. And I do not think that is wrong. I am fucking sick of people trying to convince me that it is wrong. I have no respect for the happy and the dull.

I will try to achieve my dream. The first step is to see if I have any promise at all. I think I might, which is why I am still here. I do not think it is enough, and I am pretty sure I will kill myself, but if I do not at least try then I will be accepting the things I cannot change and that is despicable.

I have a pretty good life. It's one that most people would love to have. I wish I could trade it to someone who would appreciate it, who does not think the way I do. But that is not possible. And I will not change the way I think. I must be determined to try as hard as I can before I give up on my dream. It's killing me, I know that, and I revel in it.

I am grateful I can say all of this here.

What's your dream?

 

[Wouldpecker]

What's your dream?

I want to write a novel that I think is good. Getting published, other people's approval, even making a living off it is secondary. Of course it would be nice, especially if I can get a lot of money out of it. But I've never cared much for what other people think.

At the moment I can read novels I think are good and read my stuff and see what a gap I have to cross. It's frustrating. At the moment it isn't demoralizing, though that changes.

 

[todeswunsch]

I want to write a novel that I think is good. Getting published, other people's approval, even making a living off it is secondary. Of course it would be nice, especially if I can get a lot of money out of it. But I've never cared much for what other people think.

At the moment I can read novels I think are good and read my stuff and see what a gap I have to cross. It's frustrating. At the moment it isn't demoralizing, though that changes.

I totally agree with you, there's no meaning in forcing living a life that you don't want just for the sake of living it.
I believe you have the luck on your side tho, as I'm confident that you're able to achieve your dream.
Your dream is not something crazy, and you are already in your way to achieve it!
Writing is a skill that you can train and develop more and improve. If you keep on it, you will improve, and will be able to publish your work that you'll be proud of! Invest your time in improving it, get some tips online and practice!

Good luck on your journey! Don't accept a boring life, go towards your dream and live the life you think you deserve!

 

[wait.what]

Your dream seems pretty achievable to me, too … so much so that I'm wondering what has sent you here?

I get how frustrating it can be to feel that gap between your skill level and the one you're aiming for. That shit drove me absolutely crazy in my early 20's. The only thing for it is to just keep writing, although you'll improve faster if you can find a knowledgeable first reader with a good idea of what you're trying to accomplish.

 

[Weltall]

I want to write a novel that I think is good. Getting published, other people's approval, even making a living off it is secondary. Of course it would be nice, especially if I can get a lot of money out of it. But I've never cared much for what other people think.

At the moment I can read novels I think are good and read my stuff and see what a gap I have to cross. It's frustrating. At the moment it isn't demoralizing, though that changes.

It's going to require effort. If it's truly your motivation and dream to achieve it, then you won't give up on it despite the journey to get there.
Great novelists have made 5+ to 10+ novels before they got picked up by a publisher.

Focus on improving yourself by always writing.
The first draft is never perfect, but you'll see ways of improving the story when editing.

Be realistic that this isn't a thing that happens overnight.
It will take probably years before something happens.
Again, don't let that discourage you.

We want you to succeed, and that starts with you believing in yourself.
Please don't give up, and ask for support when you feel lost.

 

[Wouldpecker]

I totally agree with you, there's no meaning in forcing living a life that you don't want just for the sake of living it.
I believe you have the luck on your side tho, as I'm confident that you're able to achieve your dream.
Your dream is not something crazy, and you are already in your way to achieve it!
Writing is a skill that you can train and develop more and improve. If you keep on it, you will improve, and will be able to publish your work that you'll be proud of! Invest your time in improving it, get some tips online and practice!

Good luck on your journey! Don't accept a boring life, go towards your dream and live the life you think you deserve!

Thank you. I signed up for a writing class. I'm not sure I believe you when you say I can achieve my dream but I really want to. I don't know how to put into words how grateful I am for this response-it helped make my day a little easier when I was having a bad time of it. I'll keep fighting. I wish you all the luck and happiness you would like.

Your dream seems pretty achievable to me, too … so much so that I'm wondering what has sent you here?

I get how frustrating it can be to feel that gap between your skill level and the one you're aiming for. That shit drove me absolutely crazy in my early 20's. The only thing for it is to just keep writing, although you'll improve faster if you can find a knowledgeable first reader with a good idea of what you're trying to accomplish.

That's a good question. Essentially, this dream is the only thing keeping me alive. If I didn't have it I'd have killed myself years ago. The act of living is boring and pointless. I have no friends. My family loves me, and they do not particularly like me-we would not even be acquaintances if we weren't obligated to care about each other. I've had three separate therapists tell me that I'm too intense/rigid/depressive to deal with, so I can't even pay people to pretend to care about me. I'd like to have a girlfriend but I never will-it will end poorly, mainly for her, as all my non-familial relationships have. When I "act myself" around other people they are repulsed, so I have to playact at being likable. I'm good at it but it makes me so fucking tired. My job makes me want to blow my head off, and the idea of doing it for 30+ years sounds horrible, and it's about as close to a perfect job as I can get (completely remote, I work a max of 2 hours a day, good pay, I'm using my strengths and it's something I'm interested in). Still not enough. I'm short and fat and ugly and not as smart as I want to be. Also I'm a whiny, ungrateful, soft little bitch. I know achieving this dream won't fulfill me, or make me happy, or make me content, or even make my life worth living. But it will make my life worth something. And I can be proud of myself, for once.

It's funny you say that because I am in my early 20s. I'll keep banging my head against that wall until it gives way. And I'll try to find a good first reader. I'm not sure how to do that but maybe the writing class will help. Thank you-and if you have any suggestions on finding a good first reader, I'd like to hear them.

It's going to require effort. If it's truly your motivation and dream to achieve it, then you won't give up on it despite the journey to get there.
Great novelists have made 5+ to 10+ novels before they got picked up by a publisher.

Focus on improving yourself by always writing.
The first draft is never perfect, but you'll see ways of improving the story when editing.

Be realistic that this isn't a thing that happens overnight.
It will take probably years before something happens.
Again, don't let that discourage you.

We want you to succeed, and that starts with you believing in yourself.
Please don't give up, and ask for support when you feel lost.

That's true. I can't give up, not now. I always find myself comparing me to great novelists in their prime, never when they started. Salman Rushdie's first book was poorly received and went out of print. If he gave up then he would have never have written one of my favorite books (Midnight's Children). I've already written one novel. It's godawful. I had a lot of fun with it. I'll write more. And I'll learn to get better at editing.

You are completely correct. I just don't know how I'll be able to hold on, if it will take years. All I have is this dream, and I don't believe in myself. My offline support network is made of string cheese. I get too heavy and it starts snapping. But I'll try. I'll try for as long as I can and I'll try to believe in myself. I don't know if I can ask for support in-person anymore. It always leaves me worse than where I started. For now I'll lean on SS. I might be stuck in the dark but it is so good to know I am not alone in it. Thank you. I'm excited to get back to writing now. I'll try.

 

[Weltall]

Thank you. I signed up for a writing class. I'm not sure I believe you when you say I can achieve my dream but I really want to. I don't know how to put into words how grateful I am for this response-it helped make my day a little easier when I was having a bad time of it. I'll keep fighting. I wish you all the luck and happiness you would like.

That's a good question. Essentially, this dream is the only thing keeping me alive. If I didn't have it I'd have killed myself years ago. The act of living is boring and pointless. I have no friends. My family loves me, and they do not particularly like me-we would not even be acquaintances if we weren't obligated to care about each other. I've had three separate therapists tell me that I'm too intense/rigid/depressive to deal with, so I can't even pay people to pretend to care about me. I'd like to have a girlfriend but I never will-it will end poorly, mainly for her, as all my non-familial relationships have. When I "act myself" around other people they are repulsed, so I have to playact at being likable. I'm good at it but it makes me so fucking tired. My job makes me want to blow my head off, and the idea of doing it for 30+ years sounds horrible, and it's about as close to a perfect job as I can get (completely remote, I work a max of 2 hours a day, good pay, I'm using my strengths and it's something I'm interested in). Still not enough. I'm short and fat and ugly and not as smart as I want to be. Also I'm a whiny, ungrateful, soft little bitch. I know achieving this dream won't fulfill me, or make me happy, or make me content, or even make my life worth living. But it will make my life worth something. And I can be proud of myself, for once.

It's funny you say that because I am in my early 20s. I'll keep banging my head against that wall until it gives way. And I'll try to find a good first reader. I'm not sure how to do that but maybe the writing class will help. Thank you-and if you have any suggestions on finding a good first reader, I'd like to hear them.

That's true. I can't give up, not now. I always find myself comparing me to great novelists in their prime, never when they started. Salman Rushdie's first book was poorly received and went out of print. If he gave up then he would have never have written one of my favorite books (Midnight's Children). I've already written one novel. It's godawful. I had a lot of fun with it. I'll write more. And I'll learn to get better at editing.

You are completely correct. I just don't know how I'll be able to hold on, if it will take years. All I have is this dream, and I don't believe in myself. My offline support network is made of string cheese. I get too heavy and it starts snapping. But I'll try. I'll try for as long as I can and I'll try to believe in myself. I don't know if I can ask for support in-person anymore. It always leaves me worse than where I started. For now I'll lean on SS. I might be stuck in the dark but it is so good to know I am not alone in it. Thank you. I'm excited to get back to writing now. I'll try.

Look for Discords with hobbies similar to yours.
The best friends I have all came from online.
There are always people looking to make connections just like you.