My time on this world is coming to an end. I just don't have the mental faculties left to go on. I am entirely convinced it will only get worse from here. I am 35 years old, and I just don't want to go on like this. I have utterly failed at life, in fact I've failed for so long my brain is now completely defective. Nothing gives me joy anymore, and as usual, I realized it too late. Had I realized this 10 years ago I might be salvageable, but going into the forties like this? Just no.
So I will do it by the end of the year, or at the beginning of 2023. I live with my parents (how pathetic is that?) so skipping work will raise suspicion. My only time is during the holidays, I have some at the end of december and beginning of january because the company is closed.
I have two plans in mind. If I still have some mental faculties left by then, I'll go to a hotel in the morning. I'll enjoy the nature in the mountains for one last time, then come back in the early evening. Hopefully someone from the staff will be there, I'll chat with them and say that I don't feel very good, and will be going to bed earlier than usual, and ask if there is a farmacy nearby in case I need something. My idea is that I will fake having indigestion or something like that so I will not be disturbed. I'll thank them and tell them I'll be in my room resting because I have to meet a friend the next day. In my room, I will prepare the SN drink. I have some xanax too, that I'm saving for the occasion, I'll down a bunch of it and then the SN.
Second plan, if I'm too defeated to even book a hotel, I'll do it in my car. The idea is to do it on new year's eve in some isolated parking lot. Even if I vomit or feel sick, I won't look too different from some unlucky sob who drank too much. It seems to me unlikely that I'll be disturbed even as I'm dying in my car, because like I said, it will look like someone who drank to much, or is just sleeping in the car. Besides, it will be dark so they won't be able to tell if I turned into a smurf in the meantime from the SN.
In both cases I will label the SN as poison so that nobody will touch it or mess with it as I'm found. If I do in the hotel room, I will place a warning on the floor that a suicide has occurred and to not look further into the room if they don't want to see human trash. I will not type any fancy goodbye letter, just a piece of paper with "I am sorry, but this is what I wanted".
My family will be sad at first, as they always are when someone dies. But they'll soon stop caring because I'm just a parasite, if anything, they'll be happy I'm gone, in the long run.
My grandma unfortunately won't take it too well, she'll be devastated; this will probably shave some years off her remaining time. If anything will stop me, it will be this thought. I have to think about how to handle this, maybe I'll write a letter just for her so that she may understand.
Anyway this is how I will go. I have accomplished nothing in my life and nobody will miss me. The most powerful memory of my existence will be that of some sorry piece of human trash, alone, dead and cyanotic, probably lying in his own puke. A fitting end for someone like me. I am preventively sorry for anyone who will have to witness such a pathetic display.
So I will do it by the end of the year, or at the beginning of 2023. I live with my parents (how pathetic is that?) so skipping work will raise suspicion. My only time is during the holidays, I have some at the end of december and beginning of january because the company is closed.
I have two plans in mind. If I still have some mental faculties left by then, I'll go to a hotel in the morning. I'll enjoy the nature in the mountains for one last time, then come back in the early evening. Hopefully someone from the staff will be there, I'll chat with them and say that I don't feel very good, and will be going to bed earlier than usual, and ask if there is a farmacy nearby in case I need something. My idea is that I will fake having indigestion or something like that so I will not be disturbed. I'll thank them and tell them I'll be in my room resting because I have to meet a friend the next day. In my room, I will prepare the SN drink. I have some xanax too, that I'm saving for the occasion, I'll down a bunch of it and then the SN.
Second plan, if I'm too defeated to even book a hotel, I'll do it in my car. The idea is to do it on new year's eve in some isolated parking lot. Even if I vomit or feel sick, I won't look too different from some unlucky sob who drank too much. It seems to me unlikely that I'll be disturbed even as I'm dying in my car, because like I said, it will look like someone who drank to much, or is just sleeping in the car. Besides, it will be dark so they won't be able to tell if I turned into a smurf in the meantime from the SN.
In both cases I will label the SN as poison so that nobody will touch it or mess with it as I'm found. If I do in the hotel room, I will place a warning on the floor that a suicide has occurred and to not look further into the room if they don't want to see human trash. I will not type any fancy goodbye letter, just a piece of paper with "I am sorry, but this is what I wanted".
My family will be sad at first, as they always are when someone dies. But they'll soon stop caring because I'm just a parasite, if anything, they'll be happy I'm gone, in the long run.
My grandma unfortunately won't take it too well, she'll be devastated; this will probably shave some years off her remaining time. If anything will stop me, it will be this thought. I have to think about how to handle this, maybe I'll write a letter just for her so that she may understand.
Anyway this is how I will go. I have accomplished nothing in my life and nobody will miss me. The most powerful memory of my existence will be that of some sorry piece of human trash, alone, dead and cyanotic, probably lying in his own puke. A fitting end for someone like me. I am preventively sorry for anyone who will have to witness such a pathetic display.
