calino2212
Member
- Oct 4, 2020
- 45
So yes I've decided to do it.
It can only be tomorrow night between friday 8pm and 5am of saturday.
I have been planning to ctb since last may after one failed attempt back then with 40g of paracetamol. I did try to cut my wrists back september but i failed and decided to delay my day for a while until I get more resolute.
Tomorrow night, I've decided will be the night to do so.
I have 25g of SN, I will try to get anti emetics in the pharmacy today, if I can't get any, I will do it without anti emetics.
If it doesn't work and I end up vomiting in a bucket, I will either partially hang myself from a rope I just bought online that should arrive tomorrow with the bucket.
If I decide against hanging and it doesn't work, my last option would be jumping from the 6th floor from the back (in basically the inside area of the building, where the bins are thrown. I got more and more used to looking down so I will do so as a last resort and will not chicken out.
I will do this on the day of the flight I am supposed to take to spain, as if I take that flight, my lies will not be able to be contained further.
My regrets would be my brother finding me but I can't do much about that unfortunately, praying I don't hurt him too much in the long run and he can come back from that.
My other regrets would be the rest of my family finding out. I hope they recover from it.
My reasons are simple, as I see my future with me living my life as a society cockroach where I've become more and more inept at doing simple thing as my procrastination has become so bad that even moving requires effort.
I also have been keeping a lie so big that it will break open soon and I can't be there when that lie gets revealed since I have been worsening that life for almost a year to the point of no return.
I no either way, if I live or die, I would end up hurting my family hence I've decided to be selfish and take care of myself, I may be a coward to do so but I don't care anymore. I've accepted that fact. I've accepted the fact that my actions will hurt others. I've accepted the fact that I may be a horrible human being for doing so.
But I don't see anymore roads left. I have been already 4 years ago after an attempt that was supposed to be definitive on the road of recovery, unfortunately now I know no recovery for me will ever be possible.
I will maybe update with another post tomorrow.
It can only be tomorrow night between friday 8pm and 5am of saturday.
I have been planning to ctb since last may after one failed attempt back then with 40g of paracetamol. I did try to cut my wrists back september but i failed and decided to delay my day for a while until I get more resolute.
Tomorrow night, I've decided will be the night to do so.
I have 25g of SN, I will try to get anti emetics in the pharmacy today, if I can't get any, I will do it without anti emetics.
If it doesn't work and I end up vomiting in a bucket, I will either partially hang myself from a rope I just bought online that should arrive tomorrow with the bucket.
If I decide against hanging and it doesn't work, my last option would be jumping from the 6th floor from the back (in basically the inside area of the building, where the bins are thrown. I got more and more used to looking down so I will do so as a last resort and will not chicken out.
I will do this on the day of the flight I am supposed to take to spain, as if I take that flight, my lies will not be able to be contained further.
My regrets would be my brother finding me but I can't do much about that unfortunately, praying I don't hurt him too much in the long run and he can come back from that.
My other regrets would be the rest of my family finding out. I hope they recover from it.
My reasons are simple, as I see my future with me living my life as a society cockroach where I've become more and more inept at doing simple thing as my procrastination has become so bad that even moving requires effort.
I also have been keeping a lie so big that it will break open soon and I can't be there when that lie gets revealed since I have been worsening that life for almost a year to the point of no return.
I no either way, if I live or die, I would end up hurting my family hence I've decided to be selfish and take care of myself, I may be a coward to do so but I don't care anymore. I've accepted that fact. I've accepted the fact that my actions will hurt others. I've accepted the fact that I may be a horrible human being for doing so.
But I don't see anymore roads left. I have been already 4 years ago after an attempt that was supposed to be definitive on the road of recovery, unfortunately now I know no recovery for me will ever be possible.
I will maybe update with another post tomorrow.
