I will be in court for a shameful crime in a few month to a year. How do I preserve the reputation of me and my family?

[BringShameToFamily]

My family has always been good to me, I was the one who let all of them down.

I know I'll be in court in a few month to a year because I've already received a search warrant.

Even though this is my first offense which means get a light sentence, but I will never forgive myself for what I did and neither will my extended family nor society.

The shame of being put on the stand in court, in front of my family and the world, is too much to bear. At the same time, committing suicide would look bad on my family.
This leaves me with two options:

1) Accidental death: dying from an accident before going to court will allow my family to mourn without shame and place my remains alongside my ancestors. However, I have neglected my filial duties in the eyes of the ancestors and therefore will not be welcomed among them.

2) Honorable death: There are many people who deserve life more than I do. Even if I save one life with my death, it would have been an honorable death. It will bring glory to those who have raised and nurtured me and to my ancestors who I owe my existence to.

How do I die an honorable death? If that is not possible, how do I die an accidental death that will preserve the reputation of my immediate family?

 

[rosenwasser]

I don't know if there are other factors contributing to your wish to die and if you are sure about this, I of course support your decision to ctb.
However, as from your posting it seems you are primarily focused on you family's well-being and as a law student who has worked at a criminal court for some time - there is a very very high probability that your family would be much more devastated by your death than your sentence. I don't know where you live and how the registers work there but where I live, light sentences don't even get put into the main registry, people don't even know you've committed a certain crime.
To me it seems like you haven't gotten legal advice yet and maybe you're painting the situation in a much worse light than it probably is.
I would like to reiterate myself - I of course support you in whatever decision you take. Your posting does however sound like this could be a temporary crisis. So maybe take some time to reflect on whether you truly want to end your life.

As to your question about accidents and honorable deaths - as you will probably find out when browsing this forum, committing suicide in any way reliably, can be challenging. Many reliable methods are painful or cause trauma to others (trains, jumping, car accidents), others can be hard to find (SN).

Have you considered "atoning" for your crime by joining a risky profession that helps save lives of innocent people? If you invest years into working or volunteering in such a field, you will do more good than by killing yourself.

 

[derpyderpins]

My family has always been good to me, I was the one who let all of them down.

I know I'll be in court in a few month to a year because I've already received a search warrant.

Even though this is my first offense which means get a light sentence, but I will never forgive myself for what I did and neither will my extended family nor society.

The shame of being put on the stand in court, in front of my family and the world, is too much to bear. At the same time, committing suicide would look bad on my family.
This leaves me with two options:

1) Accidental death: dying from an accident before going to court will allow my family to mourn without shame and place my remains alongside my ancestors. However, I have neglected my filial duties in the eyes of the ancestors and therefore will not be welcomed among them.

2) Honorable death: There are many people who deserve life more than I do. Even if I save one life with my death, it would have been an honorable death. It will bring glory to those who have raised and nurtured me and to my ancestors who I owe my existence to.

How do I die an honorable death? If that is not possible, how do I die an accidental death that will preserve the reputation of my immediate family?

A few harsh comments I think you should hear:

• There is no "honorable death." There's just dead and not dead.
• If there's already a search warrant out for you then curious family members will likely figure out what you did even if you die.
• There are broadly two types of suicides. The first is someone who would not otherwise commit suicide but has something bad happen to them. The second is someone who has reflected on their life for some time, tried to make things better, and knows - or at least believes - that is impossible. You are describing the former, which I do not support. Now, depending on your crime and if you are actually determined not to repeat it, I might have a different opinion here.

I know you probably feel a ton of guilt and shame. I don't know what you did, obviously, but I think everyone, even criminals, need empathy, so I'll tell you I am sorry you are feeling this pain, even though you brought it upon yourself.

However, you can move past a single event like this. If your crime has a specific victim (a person or people you actually harmed), you should focus on atoning in whatever way you can. If it was a property crime with the victim being a city or corporation, and no specific individual was harmed, go forward trying to live better.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your family. You owe it to yourself to consider how you would have reacted if - before your crime - you found out one of them did the same thing, and they were very sorry and trying to make it better. Would you resent them? Would you prefer them to die rather than you figuring that out? Treat yourself at least that well.

 

[BringShameToFamily]

A few harsh comments I think you should hear:

• There is no "honorable death." There's just dead and not dead.
• If there's already a search warrant out for you then curious family members will likely figure out what you did even if you die.
• There are broadly two types of suicides. The first is someone who would not otherwise commit suicide but has something bad happen to them. The second is someone who has reflected on their life for some time, tried to make things better, and knows - or at least believes - that is impossible. You are describing the former, which I do not support. Now, depending on your crime and if you are actually determined not to repeat it, I might have a different opinion here.

I know you probably feel a ton of guilt and shame. I don't know what you did, obviously, but I think everyone, even criminals, need empathy, so I'll tell you I am sorry you are feeling this pain, even though you brought it upon yourself.

However, you can move past a single event like this. If your crime has a specific victim (a person or people you actually harmed), you should focus on atoning in whatever way you can. If it was a property crime with the victim being a city or corporation, and no specific individual was harmed, go forward trying to live better.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your family. You owe it to yourself to consider how you would have reacted if - before your crime - you found out one of them did the same thing, and they were very sorry and trying to make it better. Would you resent them? Would you prefer them to die rather than you figuring that out? Treat yourself at least that well.

My crime fits the second category, not victimless, but not directly harming any individual person. If exposed, My family's reputation will suffer like never before, but they'll be the only people who can forgive me. Grand father was pariahs within the community, the same can happen to my immediate family members.

I don't know if there are other factors contributing to your wish to die and if you are sure about this, I of course support your decision to ctb.
However, as from your posting it seems you are primarily focused on you family's well-being and as a law student who has worked at a criminal court for some time - there is a very very high probability that your family would be much more devastated by your death than your sentence. I don't know where you live and how the registers work there but where I live, light sentences don't even get put into the main registry, people don't even know you've committed a certain crime.
To me it seems like you haven't gotten legal advice yet and maybe you're painting the situation in a much worse light than it probably is.
I would like to reiterate myself - I of course support you in whatever decision you take. Your posting does however sound like this could be a temporary crisis. So maybe take some time to reflect on whether you truly want to end your life.

As to your question about accidents and honorable deaths - as you will probably find out when browsing this forum, committing suicide in any way reliably, can be challenging. Many reliable methods are painful or cause trauma to others (trains, jumping, car accidents), others can be hard to find (SN).

Have you considered "atoning" for your crime by joining a risky profession that helps save lives of innocent people? If you invest years into working or volunteering in such a field, you will do more good than by killing yourself.

I am autistic anxious and depressed so it would be extremely easy to trip me up in interrogation and the courtroom. I am meeting up with a lawyer.

 

[doublecupj]

At some point in your life, you have to stop putting so much emphasis on your family and instead look out for yourself. Trust me, I know that's easier said than done. But you are essentially saying "I deserve death because I have made my family look bad".

Anybody worth their salt will say "BringShameToFamily committed this crime, not his family members". And then that's where the looking out for yourself part comes in. You have to decide that you're a human and you made a mistake and you deserve a second chance. Michael Vick was a POS animal abuser who went to prison for his crimes. But he chose to not let that define him. He ended up being an advocate for abused dogs and other animals. A redemption story. Why wouldn't you deserve that?

Now on the other hand, if you consciously decide that you want to end your life because YOU are unhappy, that's your right. Just make sure this was truly about you and not the opinions of others.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

You got 3 excellent, thought-provoking advices! Thats the main reason this comunity is great, many inteliggent and empathy users.
Im sure you will reflect on them, good luck, OP!

 

[errorsinmypast]

Reading this thread makes me realise why I love this site so much, people genuinely care
Wishing you well with your decisions and Court

 

[DefinitelyReady]

My family has always been good to me, I was the one who let all of them down.

I know I'll be in court in a few month to a year because I've already received a search warrant.

Even though this is my first offense which means get a light sentence, but I will never forgive myself for what I did and neither will my extended family nor society.

The shame of being put on the stand in court, in front of my family and the world, is too much to bear. At the same time, committing suicide would look bad on my family.
This leaves me with two options:

1) Accidental death: dying from an accident before going to court will allow my family to mourn without shame and place my remains alongside my ancestors. However, I have neglected my filial duties in the eyes of the ancestors and therefore will not be welcomed among them.

2) Honorable death: There are many people who deserve life more than I do. Even if I save one life with my death, it would have been an honorable death. It will bring glory to those who have raised and nurtured me and to my ancestors who I owe my existence to.

How do I die an honorable death? If that is not possible, how do I die an accidental death that will preserve the reputation of my immediate family?

I tried nicotine poisoning before my court date at age 19. Repent, show remorse, do what you can to change and change others. One act doesnt have to defy you. Earn your forgiveness through change. Redemption is possible. Can you get it expunged? Reach out to organizations to help your sentence? Good luck.