pumpkins334234
Member
- Jun 30, 2024
- 25
i think no matter what happens in my life, the one constant is that i need to kill myself. i could have everything i've ever wanted and it would still be a requirement for me. in my mind, i am terminally ill, that's the only way i can explain it. it's just that instead of a physical illness killing me, it's myself, but everything else is the same in a sense; the inevitability, the deadline i gave myself.
every night i fall asleep thinking about how me and my brother were sexually assaulted as children and how i should have helped him. it's not fair to him that he killed himself and that i am still alive. he was a lot smarter than me, a lot braver, a lot funnier. i genuinely think it should have been me. i'm at least glad his suffering has ended. but i need to join him eventually.
i'm in a good place somewhat right now. i don't live with my parents anymore. i have had a stable job that i enjoy for a year now. i have saved up enough to put myself through uni and i'm finally going in september. i still know, like always, that my inevitable date approaches. it's something i have to do. i don't know how to explain it. even if i didn't want to do it, i would still have to. i guess it is my duty. it sounds very melodramatic lol but i don't know how else to express it.
i guess at the end of the day i am just tired and i would like to finally rest, i am tired of fighting. it feels like a fight i was never meant to win. i feel like my fate is predestined. and i miss my brother so much. he killed himself by throwing himself down the stairs repeatedly. i didn't get to see him before he passed because my parents said it was a minor injury. i wonder how much pain he had to have been in to kill himself so violently.
i hope that when i kill myself, my suicide makes the rounds on the news and maybe a few more people from my cult are arrested. although almost none of them have been. 6
every night i fall asleep thinking about how me and my brother were sexually assaulted as children and how i should have helped him. it's not fair to him that he killed himself and that i am still alive. he was a lot smarter than me, a lot braver, a lot funnier. i genuinely think it should have been me. i'm at least glad his suffering has ended. but i need to join him eventually.
i'm in a good place somewhat right now. i don't live with my parents anymore. i have had a stable job that i enjoy for a year now. i have saved up enough to put myself through uni and i'm finally going in september. i still know, like always, that my inevitable date approaches. it's something i have to do. i don't know how to explain it. even if i didn't want to do it, i would still have to. i guess it is my duty. it sounds very melodramatic lol but i don't know how else to express it.
i guess at the end of the day i am just tired and i would like to finally rest, i am tired of fighting. it feels like a fight i was never meant to win. i feel like my fate is predestined. and i miss my brother so much. he killed himself by throwing himself down the stairs repeatedly. i didn't get to see him before he passed because my parents said it was a minor injury. i wonder how much pain he had to have been in to kill himself so violently.
i hope that when i kill myself, my suicide makes the rounds on the news and maybe a few more people from my cult are arrested. although almost none of them have been. 6