Venting I will always want to die

[pumpkins334234]

i think no matter what happens in my life, the one constant is that i need to kill myself. i could have everything i've ever wanted and it would still be a requirement for me. in my mind, i am terminally ill, that's the only way i can explain it. it's just that instead of a physical illness killing me, it's myself, but everything else is the same in a sense; the inevitability, the deadline i gave myself.

every night i fall asleep thinking about how me and my brother were sexually assaulted as children and how i should have helped him. it's not fair to him that he killed himself and that i am still alive. he was a lot smarter than me, a lot braver, a lot funnier. i genuinely think it should have been me. i'm at least glad his suffering has ended. but i need to join him eventually.
i'm in a good place somewhat right now. i don't live with my parents anymore. i have had a stable job that i enjoy for a year now. i have saved up enough to put myself through uni and i'm finally going in september. i still know, like always, that my inevitable date approaches. it's something i have to do. i don't know how to explain it. even if i didn't want to do it, i would still have to. i guess it is my duty. it sounds very melodramatic lol but i don't know how else to express it.

i guess at the end of the day i am just tired and i would like to finally rest, i am tired of fighting. it feels like a fight i was never meant to win. i feel like my fate is predestined. and i miss my brother so much. he killed himself by throwing himself down the stairs repeatedly. i didn't get to see him before he passed because my parents said it was a minor injury. i wonder how much pain he had to have been in to kill himself so violently.

i hope that when i kill myself, my suicide makes the rounds on the news and maybe a few more people from my cult are arrested. although almost none of them have been. 6

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

This type of stuff upsets me...They say time heals everything but abuse memories have rattled around in my brain for decades and I would just like all remembrance of certain people to be gone even if that requires my brain turn to dirt. No amount of consolation prizes can ever repay for the amount of pain and stolen dreams.

Our society is crazy. I looked into a few cases where teens that were sexually abused for years finally killed their abuser. They get absurd sentences like 30 to life yet a robber can kill a family man in a convenience store and get 10 years and with over crowding, good behavior and parole only serve 5.

Your brother's method sounds desperate and brutal. If you don't mind I ask, how old was he? Was it investigated by law enforcement?

"i hope that when i kill myself, my suicide makes the rounds on the news and maybe a few more people from my cult are arrested. although almost none of them have been." I'm a firm believer in justice delayed is justice denied. If there's any way you can bring attention to the abuser before you ctb, I hope you do so to the best of your capacity.

 

[pumpkins334234]

This type of stuff upsets me...They say time heals everything but abuse memories have rattled around in my brain for decades and I would just like all remembrance of certain people to be gone even if that requires my brain turn to dirt. No amount of consolation prizes can ever repay for the amount of pain and stolen dreams.

Our society is crazy. I looked into a few cases where teens that were sexually abused for years finally killed their abuser. They get absurd sentences like 30 to life yet a robber can kill a family man in a convenience store and get 10 years and with over crowding, good behavior and parole only serve 5.

Your brother's method sounds desperate and brutal. If you don't mind I ask, how old was he? Was it investigated by law enforcement?

"i hope that when i kill myself, my suicide makes the rounds on the news and maybe a few more people from my cult are arrested. although almost none of them have been." I'm a firm believer in justice delayed is justice denied. If there's any way you can bring attention to the abuser before you ctb, I hope you do so to the best of your capacity.

i wish my brain would turn into dirt a lot lol, i just hate having to think about this stuff again and again and again so i can definitely really relate. i don't understand these sentencings. i think our society does not want to protect victims of sexual assault in general.

he was 18, it wasn't, he was in court-ordered rehab and had had a few attempts beforehand so i think they didn't really care.

i don't know if anyone even cares anymore, about my cult that is. i'm pretty sure the man who did it to me and my brother is dead now. i don't know. but thank you so much for the kind words :)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Same, I will always want to die as well. The concept of "recovery" doesn't work for me because the thing I need to recover from is life itself rather than from a specfic mental illness or health condition. I want to die so that I can escape life in the first place. I deserve better than this life. I deserve permanent peace