I went outside and It was terrible

[fox_wannabe]

I went outside for a walk and I find out how far out I am. Just seeing society was depressing. Bunch of people I do not know of and I will never interact with but to whom I have to act normal and to whom I have to conform. Bunch of people talking with each other and playing together while I am alone. I have anxiety so just being in a presence of people can give me anxiety attack, mild attack, but It is still scary for me.

IDK... even seeing that I am just small tiny part in a huge system of people is scary and alienating. I know this is reality and I should get on with it, but awareness that I am part of big thing, and more over I am useless part is daunting on me. I wish to go back to place where I was when I was asleep. Where there is nothing to know and nobody to know. I crave affection and love, but for those things you need to work hard and prove yourself, or they not come at all for some. I am so sad. Moreover, before I realized I was already too far from home with my own thoughts and to far away from any distractions that make my life bearable in hell called mind that my environment built around me so I can interact with It.

I see how truly tragic this thing is, I was just becoming happy, and now I am back in a hole. I see hoe Despondent wants to ctb. I just cannot trust my emotions, one small thing and I am back on my ctb again. I will just cry now and lay in my bed. Maybe I will get over this whole thing I do not know. Terrible price I must pay for existing. Pretending to be ok.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate going outside to places where there is many people. It certainly is depressing and it makes me feel so much worse. I need my own space. People do scare me, in particular those that seem to be enjoying life. I will never understand them.
Life really is tiring, I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling to lose the happiness you were starting to feel. I'm sorry you are suffering. I wish you well.

 

[lofticries]

The mask actually helps my anxiety a bit when going out. Once I pair that with some sun glasses then I'm good to go. Still hate being around people and being outside in the daylight in general. Praying that I can find a job at night instead of day.

 

[newave3]

The mask actually helps my anxiety a bit when going out. Once I pair that with some sun glasses then I'm good to go. Still hate being around people and being outside in the daylight in general. Praying that I can find a job at night instead of day.

I like wearing the mask too. I've always loved the night and avoided the daylight kind of like Dracula.
Maybe you could be a security guard. It's mostly nighttime work.

 

[ihatemyselfsomuch]

This is very relatable. I hate being in places like cities and parks because I'm surrounded by people enjoying their life. All while I just think about killing myself. Like you say, I really want to feel love and affection but I don't deserve it in my current state, I'm not worthy of it from anyone. I'm not meant to be here, I just want to leave already, nothing feels real.

 

[clown_17]

I refuse to go anywhere crowded where people have fun. Guess I'm a downer. The flip flopping between being okay and no is torture. Every fall hurts more because you got so high doesn't it. If only your pain would ease.

 

[Depressed_Kettle]

@fox_wannabe I feel similar when going outside. I find it easier to go with someone I know that way I can talk to them or they can talk for me if anyone starts a conversation with me. Otherwise I don't know what I should be doing while outside. On a bus, I feel very odd so I'll either talk with the person I'm with or if I'm alone, I just play on my mobile device. I never start a conversation with anyone and usually no one starts one with me but if they do i try to answer but it causes me anxiety to be noticed.

Conversations don't last long with me, I'm not able to keep up with the topics because of my memory and anxiety. It wasn't always like this but now it's just too much.

 

[agate]

I like wearing the mask too. I've always loved the night and avoided the daylight kind of like Dracula.
Maybe you could be a security guard. It's mostly nighttime work.

However much I relate, and need to always wear sunglasses due to anxiety, I refuse to wear a mask. Too much proof masks don't work as intended & the whole planned covid 'pandemic' is about control/NWO. Hope to not upset people more than they are , but this sits high with me & makes my suicidal thoughts so much worse.

I went outside for a walk and I find out how far out I am. Just seeing society was depressing. Bunch of people I do not know of and I will never interact with but to whom I have to act normal and to whom I have to conform. Bunch of people talking with each other and playing together while I am alone. I have anxiety so just being in a presence of people can give me anxiety attack, mild attack, but It is still scary for me.

IDK... even seeing that I am just small tiny part in a huge system of people is scary and alienating. I know this is reality and I should get on with it, but awareness that I am part of big thing, and more over I am useless part is daunting on me. I wish to go back to place where I was when I was asleep. Where there is nothing to know and nobody to know. I crave affection and love, but for those things you need to work hard and prove yourself, or they not come at all for some. I am so sad. Moreover, before I realized I was already too far from home with my own thoughts and to far away from any distractions that make my life bearable in hell called mind that my environment built around me so I can interact with It.

I see how truly tragic this thing is, I was just becoming happy, and now I am back in a hole. I see hoe Despondent wants to ctb. I just cannot trust my emotions, one small thing and I am back on my ctb again. I will just cry now and lay in my bed. Maybe I will get over this whole thing I do not know. Terrible price I must pay for existing. Pretending to be ok.

I think the thought of having to 'pretend to be ok' is the worst? I get this too off course, I'm sure many of us here can relate. If you're alone you don't have to keep up a pretense but then you crave company/love. I can so relate . Unfortunately, I don't see an easy way to deal with that. I think maybe as we become older we will become more and more invisible at least. Do you also feel alienated from everyone around you , at all times ? Like it's impossible to really relate to someone?

 

[newave3]

I like wearing the mask too. I've always loved the night and avoided the daylight kind of like Dracula.
Maybe you could be a security guard. It's mostly nighttime work.

However much I relate, and need to always wear sunglasses due to anxiety, I refuse to wear a mask. Too much proof masks don't work as intended & the whole planned covid 'pandemic' is about control/NWO. Hope to not upset people more than they are , but this sits high with me & makes my suicidal thoughts so much worse.

You're preaching to the choir here @agate. Wearing our little obedience masks has nothing to do with preventing the spread of covid and has everything to do with our our so called "leaders"exercising their power over us.
I had oral surgery many years ago which left half my chin permanently numb. Wearing the mask puts pressure on other parts of my face and distracts me from concentrating on the numbness. That's the only reason I wear it.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I just did it again, but this time I was in huge 1M+ city with a lot of residential commie blocks and I went even more anxious than last time. There is something in being small and insignificant that scares me and gives me existential dread.