I went but couldn’t do it, I’m a stupid failure

[bunny_brownie9]

I went to the place I had in mind with the SN and whatever else I needed, but I couldn't do it. SI going crazy and I just need something to help with that. I want to do it but my brain is stopping me. I had set up my notes and everything at home for whoever to find, tidied up, cleaned. I just couldn't take the SN.

I have now what I call a 'death bag' (stupid I know) containing everything I'll need so it's quick to grab and go. I also went to the place in my car at the time I will go to get a feel of the area and it's actually really nice. I need some benzos and even considering trying to buy some online.

I just feel so upset with myself and it's so stupid. I could be long dead right now. I also haven't eaten in over 24hrs because of this and haven't had and water in almost 4. I wish it were so much easier and I feel completely awful and broken.

 

[Katdogg]

It just wasn't the right time. You can always try again, right? In the meantime what are you going to eat?

I am dreaming of food ... I am almost out and need to go to the grocery store. I have been eating rice and oatmeal for days :(

Don't beat yourself up. You have plenty of time to make another attempt, don't add unnecessary pressure.

 

[4g1vvvven]

I can't imagine what you're going through, so sorry about the suffering

I respect you, you've gone further than I have, I don't think you're stupid

 

[eLdus]

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you planned, but you're not stupid. Everything you describe here, is pretty much what every single one of us feels. The massive fear of taking that final step, and what it will be like. I know I will be exactly the same, when the time comes. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Raven2]

Go easy on yourself, SI is real and hard to overcome. Today was not your day to leave this earth maybe. Sorry you are suffering. Why dont you treat yourself to a lovely meal.

 

[Gonnerr]

I might have the same issue one day.

Some people.needs many attempt.

 

[Linda]

I think you should stop and pause. Ask yourself why it didn't work. Does it mean that you don't really want to ctb, even though it seems superficially attractive, and what you would really like is to find a better way to make life succeed? Or was it just the usual disorientation everyone feels the first time in an unfamiliar situation? I would suggest that you don't make another attempt for at least a couple of weeks, until you have had time to get your thoughts together.

 

[Durge]

A little over a year ago I tried multiple times using a duct taped trash bag to suffocate myself, always ended up pulling the bag off. Eventually I bought a gun, and couldn't pull the trigger.

I did end up getting "help". Just buying that gun took so much effort. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I've been this bad for about 2 years now.

Now that I've gone to a mental hospital I'm scared to buy another gun and be put in one of those places again. I think I went willingly, but I don't know what it was marked as. So if I buy a gun idk if my background check will be flagged and I get put back in a hospital. That place made me want to kill myself more than my at home life.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

SI is so hard to be defeated. Don't be too hard to yourself. I'm sorry you have to suffer so much. I wish you all the best

 

[bunny_brownie9]

It just wasn't the right time. You can always try again, right? In the meantime what are you going to eat?

I am dreaming of food ... I am almost out and need to go to the grocery store. I have been eating rice and oatmeal for days :(

Don't beat yourself up. You have plenty of time to make another attempt, don't add unnecessary pressure.

I was thinking tomorrow and I'll start fasting again around 5pm. Did you end up going out to get food? I bought some bread and had some toast (not very exciting but I needed something easy to make).

I can't imagine what you're going through, so sorry about the suffering

I respect you, you've gone further than I have, I don't think you're stupid

thank you for your kind words

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you planned, but you're not stupid. Everything you describe here, is pretty much what every single one of us feels. The massive fear of taking that final step, and what it will be like. I know I will be exactly the same, when the time comes. Be gentle with yourself.

thank you, I really appreciate it. I don't think I'm scared of actual death because I won't even know I died, but more so the process of dying and how that'll feel.

Go easy on yourself, SI is real and hard to overcome. Today was not your day to leave this earth maybe. Sorry you are suffering. Why dont you treat yourself to a lovely meal.

the lovely meal ended up being some toast but I'm not complaining. I can't get any benzos and don't know if I can get some online legally, so all I have is one sleeping pill to try and make things easier. I don't even know if that'll work honestly but it's all I got.

I think you should stop and pause. Ask yourself why it didn't work. Does it mean that you don't really want to ctb, even though it seems superficially attractive, and what you would really like is to find a better way to make life succeed? Or was it just the usual disorientation everyone feels the first time in an unfamiliar situation? I would suggest that you don't make another attempt for at least a couple of weeks, until you have had time to get your thoughts together.

I don't believe I'm scared of death itself because I won't even know I died, but more so the process of dying and how that'll feel. I just have to think that in the end that thought won't even matter.

I was honestly thinking tomorrow and I'll fast again tonight and take a sleeping pill before doing it. Your kind words mean a lot

 

[rozeske]

Don't feel bad about it and you are definitely not a failure. Postponed death dates are very common around here, most of us have one or two or 30 under our selves. SI is a bitch!

 

[Katdogg]

Toast is my go to easy food :) too . Sourdough and mozzarella in the broiler.

I am getting up the nerve to go to town. Still plenty of oatmeal left :D

I hope you can find some moments of peace and joy in your day.