Venting I watched someone die

[Jynxer]

So, here I am. A bit drunk to be honest. On dec 31 I watched my poor Oma die. Well, to be honest I wasn't in the room at the exact moment. I had to take a break and she chose to go when I was on that break. And I know this sounds harsh, but I'm grateful that it happened that way. I was there right before and I told her to go.... it was ok.... she made sure I was taken care of ( I officially have zero family now as I lost both my parents in 2006) and then I told her I'd be right back I needed a smoke. Then when I came back up and headed towards her room, the nurse came up and told me she was gone... I balled my fuckin heart out! But, the one thing that sticks with me is the way her eyes looked... she couldn't talk anymore or respond, despite 24 hours earlier I had her smiling and laughing! But those eyes... they wouldn't blink, and were a fucked up colour! And now I'm not sure what to do! My only purpose to live before was to help her and now what?! I feel like I have no purpose except for my cat. But, I should feel different now, because she left me a house and some money... but I still feel like I'm not meant for this place, yet still afraid that I won't succeed in ending it all. Anyways I'm just a fucked up mess at the moment and any good chatter/ advice would be great!!

 

[¡!¡!¡!]

Im so sorry for your loss and the way things are for you. If you want to talk about it some more, we are all here.
Sending you hugs!

 

[Jynxer]

Im so sorry for your loss and the way things are for you. If you want to talk about it some more, we are all here.
Sending you hugs!

Thank you

 

[Inferdan]

You may feel like you have nothing left to live for, I understand that. I won't stop you from contemplating making the inevitable happen earlier, but what would she have wanted for you? To live your life as much as you can. So what you should do is use the pain not in confusion, but in certain determination, to fulfill that wish for you. She got you a house and money, all you need to do now is make your future, starting now. She would've wanted you to be happy, so make her wish a reality

 

[gentleflower]

I'm really sorry that you have lost the last part of your family
We will all be here for you, if you wish. Sending hugs and love
If you want to chat, just hit me with a PM.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry for your loss. May you have peace during this time of sorrow.

 

[Jynxer]

You may feel like you have nothing left to live for, I understand that. I won't stop you from contemplating making the inevitable happen earlier, but what would she have wanted for you? To live your life as much as you can. So what you should do is use the pain not in confusion, but in certain determination, to fulfill that wish for you. She got you a house and money, all you need to do now is make your future, starting now. She would've wanted you to be happy, so make her wish a reality

Yes, that is true. She would have wanted happiness for me. But, she also didn't know the real me, she only knew the me "with a mask" She was from a time depression didn't exist. The money and a house doesn't change a thing. But, honestly a small part of me thought it would change my..... hopefulness... maybe... but it doesn't seem to yet.

 

[k75]

Yes, that is true. She would have wanted happiness for me. But, she also didn't know the real me, she only knew the me "with a mask" She was from a time depression didn't exist. The money and a house doesn't change a thing. But, honestly a small part of me thought it would change my..... hopefulness... maybe... but it doesn't seem to yet.

The house and money don't make any difference right now because they don't erase the grief or the loss you've just suffered. And you shouldn't expect them to or feel bad that they don't. These wounds are fresh, and they'll probably last a long time. I think everything you're feeling right now it's perfectly normal, and honestly there's no right way to feel in the situation. I think you need to give yourself a little time and process everything and just not place expectations on yourself or anything else. I know this doesn't help anything, but I'm really sorry for your loss.

 

[Jynxer]

The house and money don't make any difference right now because they don't erase the grief or the loss you've just suffered. And you shouldn't expect them to or feel bad that they don't. These wounds are fresh, and they'll probably last a long time. I think everything you're feeling right now it's perfectly normal, and honestly there's no right way to feel in the situation. I think you need to give yourself a little time and process everything and just not place expectations on yourself or anything else. I know this doesn't help anything, but I'm really sorry for your loss.

Thank you. I'm definitely in a period of adjustment. My oma would have turned 83 on Monday, and that's also the 14th anniversary of my moms death... rough day its gonna be! But, since my Oma had her accident ( in September) for the first time, my suicidal thoughts went away. I had to make sure she was taken care of in the hospital, then in the home...and make sure shit was all taken care of. I had a reason to be here besides my normal go to work pay bills regular bullshit. Now that's all gone... I am trying hard to....... get myself out of this.

 

[Soul]

@Jynxer, I'm sorry about your loss. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. It sounds like at some point you'll want to find something to give your life more structure - a dog, volunteer work, a hobby group - but for now just be gentle.

 

[Jynxer]

@Jynxer, I'm sorry about your loss. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. It sounds like at some point you'll want to find something to give your life more structure - a dog, volunteer work, a hobby group - but for now just be gentle.

@Jynxer, I'm sorry about your loss. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. It sounds like at some point you'll want to find something to give your life more structure - a dog, volunteer work, a hobby group - but for now just be gentle.

thank you

 

[EmptyArms]

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Oma. She obviously meant everything to you, and you loved her so much. It would be strange if you weren't hurting very badly right now. Grief is strong. She will have wanted you to be ok more than she wanted anything you know, you were each other's rock. And now she has left you a house so you can be safe and secure. What an amazing legacy, both the house and her devotion to you. Did you know that love never dies? It lasts forever. You will always have her love in your heart.
This terrible pain will subside over time, but the love will remain as strong as it ever was. You're doing ok. Hang in there. X

 

[Deleted member 1465]

So, here I am. A bit drunk to be honest. On dec 31 I watched my poor Oma die. Well, to be honest I wasn't in the room at the exact moment. I had to take a break and she chose to go when I was on that break. And I know this sounds harsh, but I'm grateful that it happened that way. I was there right before and I told her to go.... it was ok.... she made sure I was taken care of ( I officially have zero family now as I lost both my parents in 2006) and then I told her I'd be right back I needed a smoke. Then when I came back up and headed towards her room, the nurse came up and told me she was gone... I balled my fuckin heart out! But, the one thing that sticks with me is the way her eyes looked... she couldn't talk anymore or respond, despite 24 hours earlier I had her smiling and laughing! But those eyes... they wouldn't blink, and were a fucked up colour! And now I'm not sure what to do! My only purpose to live before was to help her and now what?! I feel like I have no purpose except for my cat. But, I should feel different now, because she left me a house and some money... but I still feel like I'm not meant for this place, yet still afraid that I won't succeed in ending it all. Anyways I'm just a fucked up mess at the moment and any good chatter/ advice would be great!!

Oh @Jynxer I'm so sorry. Its so awful to watch someone die, especially when you care for them so much. I watched my dad die from a metastatic bleed and my mum die from dementia after she had a fall. My dad's death shocked me so much because it was my first time I'd witnessed death and its truly horrific to be faced with it. But he seemed to go peacefully in the end. My Mum, we were expecting, but her end was drawn out and horrific and she fought like a viking to the bitter end and suffered relentlessly because of it. It was harrowing to witness and had a profound effect on me. In some ways it made me a better person once I'd grieved but in some ways I always carry guilt over how it happened.
I'm hoping that your Oma died peacefully? It sounds like it may have been relatively fast. If so, that's such a blessing for her. Your grief will consume you and I believe it should for while. Anger, guilt, disbelief, sadness... it all hits you at once. Do you have family and friends to share this with? You can share your feelings here. I will gladly listen and I have stories to tell of how I dealt with my grief if it helps in any way, though ofc everyone is different and no-one can tell you how you should be feeling.

 

[mukluk0713]

I'm so sorry you had to witness something like this, especially with someone who clearly meant so much to you. I believe sometimes that our relatives, especially our older ones, choose to go when we are not around to spare us that extra grief and pain. My grandfather, after caring for him with dementia, did something similar to what your dear Oma did and waited until no one was around to pass. I think it was intentional to try and protect us.

I completely understand what you mean about the change in her face and eyes though. It is so strange to see them just... gone. The face like a mask, the eyes not holding that spark anymore. It's like your mind can't even wrap around it. I hope you find peace and healing in the days to come. Oftentimes, when you can manage it past your pain and grief of course, I find it comforting to talk a lot about the good memories and good times and take my mind off of someone's passing with memories of when they were alive. But allow yourself to grieve and feel free to say whatever you need to here. Sharing stories, asking questions, whatever you need. The loss of someone beloved is the most difficult time I think anyone can imagine.

Sending you love

 

[mesohappy]

Im sorry about your loss and pain..I hope things get better for you..In the past when I was in the same situation,I spent a lot of time isolated and drinking,which in hindsight really seemed to prolong and intensify the suffering for me..If you can,try to be around people,or at least get out in the fresh air and sunlight and try to stay active.I know its hard.I wish you the best.

 

[Inferdan]

Yes, that is true. She would have wanted happiness for me. But, she also didn't know the real me, she only knew the me "with a mask" She was from a time depression didn't exist. The money and a house doesn't change a thing. But, honestly a small part of me thought it would change my..... hopefulness... maybe... but it doesn't seem to yet.

Give it some thought and a bit of time so you can reach a decision. Whatever route you choose will he the right one, though it would be good to give it a chance. You got this now