Story I wasnt meant to.be here today. Prevented from ctb, and in despair

[countingdownnow]

So I'm new here but have lurked for a while. I'm in UK but had SN and all.other necessary meds., was going to.ctb on 8th( last.night) . I told my psych on Monday and he assessed that whilst I have mh history I am currently well and stable and he wouldn't intervene as my choice have capacity etc. However thursday nurse comes to my house and after discussing plans with me they try to detain me to psych ward. I convince them I no longer want to ctb but they tell husband who has removed SN and kept me pretty much supervised since.

So today I wake in despair everything was so planned out ..funeral, life insurance, will, letters etc etc and I wasn't supposed to.be here , and tommorow nurse is ringing to see if they still need to force psych ward. I am struggling to source more SN too.

Here is something I wrote about how I feel waking up today :

The morning after the day I was meant to kill myself:

I wake heavy from the sleepers and wine
I get up extra early and see the sunrise
It fills me with despair and sadness like I've never felt
Tears fill my eyes, tears of regret, tears of anger and betrayal, so many mixed emotions

I feel the chill in the morning air and I hear the distant traffic noise of people starting their days
I'm not sure how to start mine so I pour a coffee and it tastes bitter in my mouth

Outside the birds are chirping it's like they're mocking me
Around me everything so familiar, feels different now

The clock ticks the seconds down and I hear it calling out ' you live, you live'
And I know as the rest of the house sleep soundly in their beds
they will surely wake and go about the day untroubled,
Never knowing how today would have felt had things been different

And I try to be happy in that whilst knowing it condemns me to a life behind the mask I'm ill equipped for and forced to endure.

 

[Breebly]

Your next to last paragraph hits hard. It's the worst to see people just going about so contently while you're struggling w the feeling that you weren't made for life. It's like, what have they got that gives them that ability that we're lacking?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry you have to go through this but honestly, y did you tell or at least hint your plans to your therapist/psych? It is ok to do so but there are consequences. Don't be too hard to yourself.

 

[SVEN]

I'm sorry this occurred. As soon as we mention to a professional health worker anything connected with ctb it flags up a set of guidelines with them. Mostly connected with, as far as I can tell, "cover my back in case this patient really does kill themself." And, whilst they'll tell us that we can trust them and to be frank about how we feel, they'll feel fine lying to us and deceiving us.
That's been my experience anyway.

 

[countingdownnow]

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry you have to go through this but honestly, y did you tell or at least hint your plans to your therapist/psych? It is ok to do so but there are consequences. Don't be too hard to yourself.

I figured that if I had capacity and was deemed mentally stable then they couldn't act but I think they assume that anyone who is set on suicide.must automatically be mentally ill. I guess I'll know next time. Thanks for the reply

I'm sorry this occurred. As soon as we mention to a professional health worker anything connected with ctb it flags up a set of guidelines with them. Mostly connected with, as far as I can tell, "cover my back in case this patient really does kill themself." And, whilst they'll tell us that we can trust them and to be frank about how we feel, they'll feel fine lying to us and deceiving us.
That's been my experience anyway.

Thanks for reply. I think you're so right and I will do things differently next time. I assumed that as my psych says I am stable and have capacity to make decisions they would leave me alone. I guess I should have shared here and not with professionals, a very hard lesson it feels.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I figured that if I had capacity and was deemed mentally stable then they couldn't act but I think they assume that anyone who is set on suicide.must automatically be mentally ill. I guess I'll know next time. Thanks for the reply

Being suicidal isn't a (mental) illness at all. People become suicidal for many different reasons and it's a result of unsolvable/permanent problems (and also other factors in our life). May I ask why you are suicidal? Why do you wanna die so desperately?

 

[SVEN]

I figured that if I had capacity and was deemed mentally stable then they couldn't act but I think they assume that anyone who is set on suicide.must automatically be mentally ill. I guess I'll know next time. Thanks for the reply

Thanks for reply. I think you're so right and I will do things differently next time. I assumed that as my psych says I am stable and have capacity to make decisions they would leave me alone. I guess I should have shared here and not with professionals, a very hard lesson it feels.

Just please don't beat yourself up about it. This group totally get where you are (many of us have been there) and we do empathise with how hurt, betrayed and bruised you must be feeling.
Be kind to yourself and vent as much as you wish on here.

 

[KillingPain267]

Family and psychiatrists act as prison guards guarding our way out. To them things like SN and guns or ropes are like contraband tools used for prison break.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm sorry this occurred. As soon as we mention to a professional health worker anything connected with ctb it flags up a set of guidelines with them. Mostly connected with, as far as I can tell, "cover my back in case this patient really does kill themself." And, whilst they'll tell us that we can trust them and to be frank about how we feel, they'll feel fine lying to us and deceiving us.
That's been my experience anyway.

That these monsters lie means they are evil . "Trust me I'm here to help I won't put u in a mental hospital" .

But that's a lie

If I tell them I want to kill myself they'll take my SN and put me in mental hospital and could be indefinitely especially if they find my writings

Who the fuck are these creeps to tell me i can't kill myself when I want to or that I'm mentally ill for wanting to escape this hell

I read about how things are the same in the UK but I'm here in the USA.

Anyone wonder how these monsters replicate the exact same lies exact same unfair oppression and suicide prohibition state in different countries?

It's obviously an unfair oppression to deny a person suffering extremely the ability to move away from unbearable pain . but all these countries do this exact oppression torture. They all made guaranteed suicide methods into crimes and they will treat anyone wanting suicide as mentally ill .

We all know that is another lie that if u want suicide u r mentally ill .

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I understand finding it painful to exist. But anyway I wish you the best.