road2joy
Member
- Feb 5, 2025
- 38
I wasn't actively trying to fuck up my whole life.
I was trying to build something bigger than myself and then burned out along the way. Or I'm about to, literally, as I keep envisioning myself covered in gasoline and flames... weirdly chose The Reflecting Skin as a movie to watch on a day I was heavily meditating on it (which has a gasoline suicide in it), so that was a weird synchronicity. Like God saying, "Just Do it."
I'm just so tired of my family, now even my one saving grace, my lovely grandma, telling me that I don't work hard enough. I had 5 jobs last year.
I just don't mesh well with complete fucking dickheads and assholes, and they are everywhere. At one job, I got fired after me hinting at possible neurodivergence (like fuck you, Steve Jobs was neurodivergent).
When I commit suicide, it will actually be the same sentiment: "It's just not a good fit."
This world is not a good fit for me. I've been struggling and on hard times, and everyone just kind of watches and claims to love me while simultaneously not letting me sleep at my family's house, even though I don't do illegal drugs or anything but just "am disrespectful," which I can't even explain. Like, I try, honestly, but it's the dismissive attitudes, the shrill tones, just absolute bitchiness that makes me roll my eyes. Sorry. The enigma that is my mother raised me to be feminine (2 older sisters, so that didn't really help), even though she's homophobic as hell. She used to take me for walks and tell me, "It's okay to be gay, it's natural." Meanwhile, I have a picture of myself holding pink socks and her making a very disgusted face because men shouldn't wear pink socks. It was a joke, but I know she secretly hated the fact that I was gay for whatever reason. I don't care that much because I'm not really gay, but I did suffer sexual problems for years, and I blame her. I blame my dad's sexual problems on her too since I found his boner pills. I don't know how anyone could want to be with a woman who is so cold, logical, emotionally domineering, controlling, confrontational, fucking aggressive, uncompromising, harsh, bulldozing personality (she is always right, never gentle), matriarchal tyrant.
Grandpa died last week, evicted yesterday... I really did try, but the whole family looks at me like, "We gave you a house for a year and you're not stable yet?" Like, sorry, I was a virgin at 29 years old and then literally got fired from one of the 5 jobs for being a virgin, as my manager was a huge psycho about it (this is the one who harassed me sexually every day and said he was going to piss on my face, but the WSIB harassment claim said it was just a joke, and I need to learn how to take a joke)... what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, my virginity. I kept it for God? Got a problem with that? Go fuck yourself. But to be honest, it was weighing on me, and it's not normal to be a sexually inactive man in our society, full stop, so I called my old girl from college and we did the shabang. I fucking needed that, Mom. I needed that, fam. Yeah, so fucking what if I wanted to play house with my girlfriend for a while? Do you understand how mentally distressing this life has been? To be confused about your sexuality at 18? And then when you figure it out, you've already totally sullied your good name, and no one will ever take you seriously. That entire time I was a "free spirit," I really was coping with the inept masculinity upbringing that is important for a male child's development. So I took drugs to cope, is my theory. Just weed, mostly. I'm not even a drug abuser. I used to use drugs occasionally and responsibly, except for smoking weed, which, once it became legal and the dosage was 3x stronger than usual (whoops), gave me a schizophrenic episode. I thought I was one of the 144,000 virgins, for God's sake.
But it fucking was the Apocalypse in 2020. You were all there, you all saw it, and it fucking sucked. That was rough for everybody, but imagine being me, just finally socially recovering from a schizophrenic break I had in 2016 when I was "told by an angel that everyone would be injected soon with the mark of the beast and it will affect your DNA," and then all of a sudden there's this weird new "genome vaccine." Doctors are losing their jobs about it. Just happens to line up perfectly with my "Mark of the Beast prophecies." Happens every ~2000 years, folks. Whatever. It's over. Sorry I made such a fool of myself on Facebook.
Like, honestly, this is so embarrassing. Me even making this. But people should know what's going on with me, as I am completely JUDGED by every family member I have for not being where I should be at 29 years old, or for having some kind of way about me I don't even fucking know. Meanwhile, the same family is laughing about being retired and "all I do in retirement is scam the young folks for money." Oh, is that what's happening? I get it. My generation is sort of transitory, so therefore worthless, as we move from the old Age of family, love, charity, and kindness to strangers and into the new Age of technology, ruthless gains, and just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. Fuck you, Uncle Fuckface (you know who you are), and everyone else in my family who tells me, "I only care about myself." Like, for fuck's sakes, I wept for all your souls and spent hours on my knees praying and fasting so your asshats could get into heaven. Go fuck yourselves, it's a new age, I don't care anymore.
So yeah, I'm pretty tired. Maybe I'll write more later to better explain "why I'm not successful already," even though "you had all that time." But for now, I am homeless. Don't know where to go, who to ask, or what to do. But I am working remotely and making money and have my grandma, the one saving grace, to help me, but even that's run out and she's got her own stuff to deal with. I am sad to live in a world where it's always the good people that get fucked over as they try and help others, and the selfish assholes who step on others and pay no mind to the poor or the mentally ill who do fantastically. I am trying to do a lot. I wasn't just playing house all 2024. I was unraveling the mystery in my mind because I was going through a years-long stint of mild spiritual psychosis, which is now fully taken care of. I was writing books and theories which have gotten the attention of some established medical authors, and we are working on changing the world so that mentally ill people and those struggling can actually have a chance. To me, this intellectual property is far more valuable than a house. But unfortunately, you need a house, and food, and a real job. There is no real help out there for people who are struggling currently. Shelters are dangerous, and the psych pills you get prescribed and coercively forced to take will fuck you up. A life of street drugs and prostitution is preferable to most. The truth is that if you are neurodivergent (not a bad thing– basically synonymous with creative), poor, and don't have a stable support circle, you're basically fucked.
Most are completely oblivious to the travesty that is our mental health system. They say, "Talk to somebody," but that can lead to some serious negative health effects if you are ever prescribed an SSRI, anxiolytic, or neuroleptic drug. It's innocent, and they really do want to help, but calling 988 has led to some people being locked down, forcibly injected, and left with tens of thousands in debt. I got my degree in psychology because I wanted to be a psychiatrist, and that in and of itself was traumatizing and difficult for me because I realized psychiatry is bunk! And I've heard it from psychiatrists telling me themselves that it is bunk. The DSM is never used, and pills prescribed are never fully understood. I was told by professors that "if you want to make it in psychology research, you need to find out what the result should be before you even do the research," as in, appease the companies that profit off the drugs. Psychology is a very difficult field to break into unless you are in one of these morally ambiguous government jobs. Sure, you can be a clinical psychologist, but patients have to be tight-lipped about their true feelings about suicide lest they be locked up. I have had a friend be locked down in one of these psych wards, and it's not pretty. Everything in there is wired to make you go more crazy. There was no clock in the room. They lock everyone in at night, so if you had to go to the bathroom or anything, you had to hold it. The guy in one room said the doctors forgot about him while he was strapped in, and he pissed himself involuntarily. The walls are white. If you stare at white walls for long enough, you will start hallucinating.
So there I was, 18, weed, sexually ambiguous, and uncovering this massive global conspiracy, which is that 988, antipsychotics, and antidepressants, therapy, all that shit is designed to make you worse. Sometimes it makes people better randomly out of sheer accident and otherworldly causes, but for the most part, drugs of any kind will fuck you up in the long run. And they fucking know it too. Same with sexuality, and I'm not gonna "go there," but obviously there's something going on to change the global, generalized sexual landscape, and it's intentional. But that is what it is. The doctors and pharmaceutical companies know they are fucking you up, and I kept asking myself, who the fuck would be this evil to create a system like this? And then I started looking wider. A world like this? Holy shit. It's not just psychology. Every discipline is fucked up in its own little satanic way. "Demons" was the consensus among the Christian community, and I just sort of stumbled into that accidentally. But hey, that shoe fits.
All of this was a lot for me, and when I finally graduated at 21, I started to "begin my mission," which seemed nuts, I'm sure, but it's leading somewhere good. I really think I am better equipped to help those who are suffering with spiritual psychosis, depression, sexual issues, or literally any mental illness in the DSM far better than your psychiatrist, now that I am coming out the other side. I am writing multiple books, and I will publish my LIFESPACE theory and make my app using ChatGPT, yada yada, everything is going so good. But holy shit. It's falling apart. Now I am so broke and used up all my lifelines while on the "mission" that now nobody cares about me. Fuck. Yes, I'm in crisis, and I am lucky enough to know that suicide during crisis isn't responsible or the answer. Suicide should never, ever be the answer, but to challenge that opens up a euthanasia debate.
When I think about my family, I want to euthanize myself. I don't want to be around smug and dismissive people anymore, especially against my will. When I try to explain the last few years, I want to kill myself so badly. It's been convoluted and a lot of injustices against me. My uncle screamed in my face a couple days after I lost my job and my girlfriend stole my money and cheated on me, so I was pretty depressed. And he screamed at me about his mother's messy house. I almost killed him that day. He wanted to fight me. All of the men in my family are low-life fucking assholes, and the women are worse.
The solution is to never let myself sink into this much debt again and get my shit together. To do good in my new job, which I've only had a week, to pay off my 30k in debt, move out of my Nonna's house, and never look back. Middle fingers up.
I was trying to build something bigger than myself and then burned out along the way. Or I'm about to, literally, as I keep envisioning myself covered in gasoline and flames... weirdly chose The Reflecting Skin as a movie to watch on a day I was heavily meditating on it (which has a gasoline suicide in it), so that was a weird synchronicity. Like God saying, "Just Do it."
I'm just so tired of my family, now even my one saving grace, my lovely grandma, telling me that I don't work hard enough. I had 5 jobs last year.
I just don't mesh well with complete fucking dickheads and assholes, and they are everywhere. At one job, I got fired after me hinting at possible neurodivergence (like fuck you, Steve Jobs was neurodivergent).
When I commit suicide, it will actually be the same sentiment: "It's just not a good fit."
This world is not a good fit for me. I've been struggling and on hard times, and everyone just kind of watches and claims to love me while simultaneously not letting me sleep at my family's house, even though I don't do illegal drugs or anything but just "am disrespectful," which I can't even explain. Like, I try, honestly, but it's the dismissive attitudes, the shrill tones, just absolute bitchiness that makes me roll my eyes. Sorry. The enigma that is my mother raised me to be feminine (2 older sisters, so that didn't really help), even though she's homophobic as hell. She used to take me for walks and tell me, "It's okay to be gay, it's natural." Meanwhile, I have a picture of myself holding pink socks and her making a very disgusted face because men shouldn't wear pink socks. It was a joke, but I know she secretly hated the fact that I was gay for whatever reason. I don't care that much because I'm not really gay, but I did suffer sexual problems for years, and I blame her. I blame my dad's sexual problems on her too since I found his boner pills. I don't know how anyone could want to be with a woman who is so cold, logical, emotionally domineering, controlling, confrontational, fucking aggressive, uncompromising, harsh, bulldozing personality (she is always right, never gentle), matriarchal tyrant.
Grandpa died last week, evicted yesterday... I really did try, but the whole family looks at me like, "We gave you a house for a year and you're not stable yet?" Like, sorry, I was a virgin at 29 years old and then literally got fired from one of the 5 jobs for being a virgin, as my manager was a huge psycho about it (this is the one who harassed me sexually every day and said he was going to piss on my face, but the WSIB harassment claim said it was just a joke, and I need to learn how to take a joke)... what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, my virginity. I kept it for God? Got a problem with that? Go fuck yourself. But to be honest, it was weighing on me, and it's not normal to be a sexually inactive man in our society, full stop, so I called my old girl from college and we did the shabang. I fucking needed that, Mom. I needed that, fam. Yeah, so fucking what if I wanted to play house with my girlfriend for a while? Do you understand how mentally distressing this life has been? To be confused about your sexuality at 18? And then when you figure it out, you've already totally sullied your good name, and no one will ever take you seriously. That entire time I was a "free spirit," I really was coping with the inept masculinity upbringing that is important for a male child's development. So I took drugs to cope, is my theory. Just weed, mostly. I'm not even a drug abuser. I used to use drugs occasionally and responsibly, except for smoking weed, which, once it became legal and the dosage was 3x stronger than usual (whoops), gave me a schizophrenic episode. I thought I was one of the 144,000 virgins, for God's sake.
But it fucking was the Apocalypse in 2020. You were all there, you all saw it, and it fucking sucked. That was rough for everybody, but imagine being me, just finally socially recovering from a schizophrenic break I had in 2016 when I was "told by an angel that everyone would be injected soon with the mark of the beast and it will affect your DNA," and then all of a sudden there's this weird new "genome vaccine." Doctors are losing their jobs about it. Just happens to line up perfectly with my "Mark of the Beast prophecies." Happens every ~2000 years, folks. Whatever. It's over. Sorry I made such a fool of myself on Facebook.
Like, honestly, this is so embarrassing. Me even making this. But people should know what's going on with me, as I am completely JUDGED by every family member I have for not being where I should be at 29 years old, or for having some kind of way about me I don't even fucking know. Meanwhile, the same family is laughing about being retired and "all I do in retirement is scam the young folks for money." Oh, is that what's happening? I get it. My generation is sort of transitory, so therefore worthless, as we move from the old Age of family, love, charity, and kindness to strangers and into the new Age of technology, ruthless gains, and just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. Fuck you, Uncle Fuckface (you know who you are), and everyone else in my family who tells me, "I only care about myself." Like, for fuck's sakes, I wept for all your souls and spent hours on my knees praying and fasting so your asshats could get into heaven. Go fuck yourselves, it's a new age, I don't care anymore.
So yeah, I'm pretty tired. Maybe I'll write more later to better explain "why I'm not successful already," even though "you had all that time." But for now, I am homeless. Don't know where to go, who to ask, or what to do. But I am working remotely and making money and have my grandma, the one saving grace, to help me, but even that's run out and she's got her own stuff to deal with. I am sad to live in a world where it's always the good people that get fucked over as they try and help others, and the selfish assholes who step on others and pay no mind to the poor or the mentally ill who do fantastically. I am trying to do a lot. I wasn't just playing house all 2024. I was unraveling the mystery in my mind because I was going through a years-long stint of mild spiritual psychosis, which is now fully taken care of. I was writing books and theories which have gotten the attention of some established medical authors, and we are working on changing the world so that mentally ill people and those struggling can actually have a chance. To me, this intellectual property is far more valuable than a house. But unfortunately, you need a house, and food, and a real job. There is no real help out there for people who are struggling currently. Shelters are dangerous, and the psych pills you get prescribed and coercively forced to take will fuck you up. A life of street drugs and prostitution is preferable to most. The truth is that if you are neurodivergent (not a bad thing– basically synonymous with creative), poor, and don't have a stable support circle, you're basically fucked.
Most are completely oblivious to the travesty that is our mental health system. They say, "Talk to somebody," but that can lead to some serious negative health effects if you are ever prescribed an SSRI, anxiolytic, or neuroleptic drug. It's innocent, and they really do want to help, but calling 988 has led to some people being locked down, forcibly injected, and left with tens of thousands in debt. I got my degree in psychology because I wanted to be a psychiatrist, and that in and of itself was traumatizing and difficult for me because I realized psychiatry is bunk! And I've heard it from psychiatrists telling me themselves that it is bunk. The DSM is never used, and pills prescribed are never fully understood. I was told by professors that "if you want to make it in psychology research, you need to find out what the result should be before you even do the research," as in, appease the companies that profit off the drugs. Psychology is a very difficult field to break into unless you are in one of these morally ambiguous government jobs. Sure, you can be a clinical psychologist, but patients have to be tight-lipped about their true feelings about suicide lest they be locked up. I have had a friend be locked down in one of these psych wards, and it's not pretty. Everything in there is wired to make you go more crazy. There was no clock in the room. They lock everyone in at night, so if you had to go to the bathroom or anything, you had to hold it. The guy in one room said the doctors forgot about him while he was strapped in, and he pissed himself involuntarily. The walls are white. If you stare at white walls for long enough, you will start hallucinating.
So there I was, 18, weed, sexually ambiguous, and uncovering this massive global conspiracy, which is that 988, antipsychotics, and antidepressants, therapy, all that shit is designed to make you worse. Sometimes it makes people better randomly out of sheer accident and otherworldly causes, but for the most part, drugs of any kind will fuck you up in the long run. And they fucking know it too. Same with sexuality, and I'm not gonna "go there," but obviously there's something going on to change the global, generalized sexual landscape, and it's intentional. But that is what it is. The doctors and pharmaceutical companies know they are fucking you up, and I kept asking myself, who the fuck would be this evil to create a system like this? And then I started looking wider. A world like this? Holy shit. It's not just psychology. Every discipline is fucked up in its own little satanic way. "Demons" was the consensus among the Christian community, and I just sort of stumbled into that accidentally. But hey, that shoe fits.
All of this was a lot for me, and when I finally graduated at 21, I started to "begin my mission," which seemed nuts, I'm sure, but it's leading somewhere good. I really think I am better equipped to help those who are suffering with spiritual psychosis, depression, sexual issues, or literally any mental illness in the DSM far better than your psychiatrist, now that I am coming out the other side. I am writing multiple books, and I will publish my LIFESPACE theory and make my app using ChatGPT, yada yada, everything is going so good. But holy shit. It's falling apart. Now I am so broke and used up all my lifelines while on the "mission" that now nobody cares about me. Fuck. Yes, I'm in crisis, and I am lucky enough to know that suicide during crisis isn't responsible or the answer. Suicide should never, ever be the answer, but to challenge that opens up a euthanasia debate.
When I think about my family, I want to euthanize myself. I don't want to be around smug and dismissive people anymore, especially against my will. When I try to explain the last few years, I want to kill myself so badly. It's been convoluted and a lot of injustices against me. My uncle screamed in my face a couple days after I lost my job and my girlfriend stole my money and cheated on me, so I was pretty depressed. And he screamed at me about his mother's messy house. I almost killed him that day. He wanted to fight me. All of the men in my family are low-life fucking assholes, and the women are worse.
The solution is to never let myself sink into this much debt again and get my shit together. To do good in my new job, which I've only had a week, to pay off my 30k in debt, move out of my Nonna's house, and never look back. Middle fingers up.
Last edited:
