Supersadmommy90
Student
- Sep 24, 2019
- 186
But I'm just so traumatized. There are things compelling me to live, definitely, so I feel conflicted about whether or not to stay and suffer it out. I have major, debilitating anxiety about what the future holds for me, to the point that I don't even want to stick around to see if things work out because I can't bear any more disappointment.
I have just accumulated so much trauma in my physical body that I just constantly feel pain and anxiety. I'm in the poor house from going to private doctors and trying to address these ongoing issues, one after another.
I was trying to recover, and then another trauma happened this week. I was mauled by the stray cat my husband dragged home (another point of contention) and received a tetanus vaccine that was very painful, more painful than the mauling even, which left me with multiple lacerations, punctures and blue and purple bruises on my thigh. My arm has been in such excruciating pain from the shot I have had multiple anxiety attacks over it as I am phobic of vaccines to begin with, since my father was severely injured by one in 2018. I would normally never have accepted one, I was just so disoriented from the mauling I felt unable to refuse and just let the nurse do everything. Yesterday was two days after receiving the shot, it was throbbing and burning so badly still, I literally prayed to God for the pain to be taken away and my prayers were answered mercifully, the pain did subside from about a 6 or 7 out of 10 to about a 2 or 3 now and has remained thereabouts, after which cried literal tears of relief. My arm is still sore and the damage is done, I have felt completely neurotic ever since.. I came across some information online after the fact that the tetanus shot also contains a possible sterilizing agent as well, and infertility has been a trauma in my life also so that doesn't help my paranoia and anxiety either.
Normal people would be able to move on from this but I'm in such a state of breakdown overall that this event may have pushed me over the edge to CTB. Literally, I think this cat might have killed me. LOL
My life has been so traumatic and I can't deal with the uncertainty of any more trauma in the future, even the emotional disappointment of my hopes being frustrated seems too much for me to bear.
I know this post is all just a touch mentally ill sounding, but I know I'm in good company here at least and I'm sure many of you can appreciate how when you're on the edge to begin with, another trauma, even one that to most people would seem relatively mild, can seem to be just enough to push you over.
I feel like I was born with the luck of a dead Irishman with a sideways horse shoe dangling out of my ass. At some point it just starts to feel like you are being singled out for punishment and you start craving death out of fear that the lashings will never end. I can't understand why God would allow this demonically possessed, rabies cat to tear into my last nerve. Every time I think I am starting to regain my footing, something comes out of the woodwork to assault me. I can't take much more pain. And that is starting to outweigh the things that drive me, the people I love and want to be here to protect, and what I hope for. The overwhelm of feeling never ending pain and the sole expectation of more pain is just becoming a relentless and inescapable thing seemingly. I've been trying so hard to recover and the universe just pisses in my fucking face.
I have just accumulated so much trauma in my physical body that I just constantly feel pain and anxiety. I'm in the poor house from going to private doctors and trying to address these ongoing issues, one after another.
I was trying to recover, and then another trauma happened this week. I was mauled by the stray cat my husband dragged home (another point of contention) and received a tetanus vaccine that was very painful, more painful than the mauling even, which left me with multiple lacerations, punctures and blue and purple bruises on my thigh. My arm has been in such excruciating pain from the shot I have had multiple anxiety attacks over it as I am phobic of vaccines to begin with, since my father was severely injured by one in 2018. I would normally never have accepted one, I was just so disoriented from the mauling I felt unable to refuse and just let the nurse do everything. Yesterday was two days after receiving the shot, it was throbbing and burning so badly still, I literally prayed to God for the pain to be taken away and my prayers were answered mercifully, the pain did subside from about a 6 or 7 out of 10 to about a 2 or 3 now and has remained thereabouts, after which cried literal tears of relief. My arm is still sore and the damage is done, I have felt completely neurotic ever since.. I came across some information online after the fact that the tetanus shot also contains a possible sterilizing agent as well, and infertility has been a trauma in my life also so that doesn't help my paranoia and anxiety either.
Normal people would be able to move on from this but I'm in such a state of breakdown overall that this event may have pushed me over the edge to CTB. Literally, I think this cat might have killed me. LOL
My life has been so traumatic and I can't deal with the uncertainty of any more trauma in the future, even the emotional disappointment of my hopes being frustrated seems too much for me to bear.
I know this post is all just a touch mentally ill sounding, but I know I'm in good company here at least and I'm sure many of you can appreciate how when you're on the edge to begin with, another trauma, even one that to most people would seem relatively mild, can seem to be just enough to push you over.
I feel like I was born with the luck of a dead Irishman with a sideways horse shoe dangling out of my ass. At some point it just starts to feel like you are being singled out for punishment and you start craving death out of fear that the lashings will never end. I can't understand why God would allow this demonically possessed, rabies cat to tear into my last nerve. Every time I think I am starting to regain my footing, something comes out of the woodwork to assault me. I can't take much more pain. And that is starting to outweigh the things that drive me, the people I love and want to be here to protect, and what I hope for. The overwhelm of feeling never ending pain and the sole expectation of more pain is just becoming a relentless and inescapable thing seemingly. I've been trying so hard to recover and the universe just pisses in my fucking face.
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