I was raped...

[Lavander 230]

Before you ask, this isn't the main reason why I want to suicide (I have plenty of them), but it definitely adds up. It's a really sad and devastating story, please don't go on and read it if you're sensitive to all of this, but I thought of sharing it because I find this to be the right place.

Everything started when I woke up at my house, suddenly realizing that I was covered in cum (semen), I was at a shock at that moment, I was both surprised and at denial at the same time. I took a shower but noticed that my body doesn't clean itself so easily, like there's some kind of liquid that doesn't dissolve, ...Then I noticed.... there's definitely some sort of nasty liquid in my p... and my mouth, that's when I realized that I was definitely raped and I don't even remember the night :< I went to a pharmacy store and bought some plan B pills just in case. And you know what the worst thing was? The guy I was dating... 3-5 months later when I told him we wouldn't work out.... he sent me a video of guys raping me while me being unconscious while saying "I fapped to this video at least twice a day"
I honestly can't believe that people can be that cruel. If there is a God, I pray that those bastards get what they deserved. For the past couple of years I became asexual, and only few years later I became a lesbian.

 

[Darkover]

a couple of questions did you report it to the police since you have all the evidence you would need with the video of it happening
and was you drug to make you fall unconscious

 

[Lavander 230]

a couple of questions did you report it to the police since you have all the evidence you would need with the video of it happening
and was you drug to make you fall unconscious

I didn't. My "friend" gave me some ridiculous explanations to my situation and before I realized it was all bs it was already too late to report.

 

[HadItAll]

Not the smartest guy handing over the evidence to you just like that.

 

[Lavander 230]

Not the smartest guy handing over the evidence to you just like that.

heh im not a smart girl myself. I only know things that were taught in school, I didn't have any real friends.

 

[Usako0504]

with the video you might be able to still take it to the police

 

[Lavander 230]

with the video you might be able to still take it to the police

you sure? What if they think I'm making this all up? I mean I was really drunk at that moment and it's clearly I was "enjoying it" from the footage.

 

[stoopid]

There should be a special place in hell for these people, life is an universal misery and it makes me sad af. Violent thoughts are gathering. I hope we can help you in some way that you're feeling a bit better.

 

[Sakura94]

I'm really sorry. But you need to turn over your phone to police for digital forensics. Video sent, times ect.
I think it's very likely the criminals in this video will be known to law enforcement and they will have done this to other women.

 

[Lavander 230]

There should be a special place in hell for these people, life is an universal misery and it makes me sad af. Violent thoughts are gathering. I hope we can help you in some way that you're feeling a bit better.

I'm really sorry. But you need to turn over your phone to police for digital forensics. Video sent, times ect.
I think it's very likely the criminals in this video will be known to law enforcement and they will have done this to other women.

I'm really sorry. But you need to turn over your phone to police for digital forensics. Video sent, times ect.
I think it's very likely the criminals in this video will be known to law enforcement and they will have done this to other women.

I'm really scared to do it though and it's been over 1 year. Should I really try?

 

[Usako0504]

you sure? What if they think I'm making this all up? I mean I was really drunk at that moment and it's clearly I was "enjoying it" from the footage.

There's no guarantee that the cops would do the their jobs, but the existence of a video if you were to make the report to the police, all they would have to do is subpoena the phone and even if it was erased, there's data recovery options and also most phones have cloud backups, meaning that it could exist on multiple servers. As well as on multiple phones if it was sent around.

Either way I wish you healing.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

Whats up with animals like these?
I cant judge you since i dunno whats going on in ur life and ur friend zone but i would still try and turn this to the police, is there anything to lose?

 

[Lavander 230]

Whats up with animals like these?
I cant judge you since i dunno whats going on in ur life and ur friend zone but i would still try and turn this to the police, is there anything to lose?

My family doesn't know about it and they think I'm a virgin (if this incident wouldn't happen I still would be to this day). I'm worried that if they find out they may reject me as a daughter and I would have no place to go...

 

[PoorlyTinted]

this is so fucked up on so many levels. those people need to burn in hell. im so sorry that that happened to you

 

[Zeus35]

Before you ask, this isn't the main reason why I want to suicide (I have plenty of them), but it definitely adds up. It's a really sad and devastating story, please don't go on and read it if you're sensitive to all of this, but I thought of sharing it because I find this to be the right place.

Everything started when I woke up at my house, suddenly realizing that I was covered in cum (semen), I was at a shock at that moment, I was both surprised and at denial at the same time. I took a shower but noticed that my body doesn't clean itself so easily, like there's some kind of liquid that doesn't dissolve, ...Then I noticed.... there's definitely some sort of nasty liquid in my p... and my mouth, that's when I realized that I was definitely raped and I don't even remember the night :< I went to a pharmacy store and bought some plan B pills just in case. And you know what the worst thing was? The guy I was dating... 3-5 months later when I told him we wouldn't work out.... he sent me a video of guys raping me while me being unconscious while saying "I fapped to this video at least twice a day"
I honestly can't believe that people can be that cruel. If there is a God, I pray that those bastards get what they deserved. For the past couple of years I became asexual, and only few years later I became a lesbian.

You poor poor darling. You have the video as you've said. Is there something stopping you from going to the police? Is there a reason you felt you couldn't go to them? My inbox is open, I've been theough the same and Im happy to be a supportive shoulder to cry on x

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

My family doesn't know about it and they think I'm a virgin (if this incident wouldn't happen I still would be to this day). I'm worried that if they find out they may reject me as a daughter and I would have no place to go...

why would they reject you? are you religious or something? how could parents reject a daughter like this.
Btw were you virgin when that happened?

 

[catastrophix]

I'm so sorry to hear that something so horrific happened to you. I know personally that sexual assault can be so damaging to your self worth. One of my experiences with SA left me feeling confused when I woke up as well. I never reported anything, either. It's such an indescribably scary feeling when you connect the dots. But, while you may have heard this before, I want you to know what happened was not your fault whatsoever. Those horrible people made the choice to do what they did. I know you can't report them, but what goes around comes around. Also, I'm a lesbian as well, and quite a bit of realizing that for me had to do with my own SA, so I can also empathize with that. I'm actually questioning if I'm asexual or not as well.

Apologies for this long comment, I just hope that you aren't too hard on yourself because of what happened (though I know that's easier said than done). You definitely deserve better people in your life, and I hope that you don't blame yourself for what happened.

 

[sufferingextremely]

Before you ask, this isn't the main reason why I want to suicide (I have plenty of them), but it definitely adds up. It's a really sad and devastating story, please don't go on and read it if you're sensitive to all of this, but I thought of sharing it because I find this to be the right place.

Everything started when I woke up at my house, suddenly realizing that I was covered in cum (semen), I was at a shock at that moment, I was both surprised and at denial at the same time. I took a shower but noticed that my body doesn't clean itself so easily, like there's some kind of liquid that doesn't dissolve, ...Then I noticed.... there's definitely some sort of nasty liquid in my p... and my mouth, that's when I realized that I was definitely raped and I don't even remember the night :< I went to a pharmacy store and bought some plan B pills just in case. And you know what the worst thing was? The guy I was dating... 3-5 months later when I told him we wouldn't work out.... he sent me a video of guys raping me while me being unconscious while saying "I fapped to this video at least twice a day"
I honestly can't believe that people can be that cruel. If there is a God, I pray that those bastards get what they deserved. For the past couple of years I became asexual, and only few years later I became a lesbian.

This is horrible. You could pursue justice. Your statute of limitations may or may not be expired. In many states in the U.S., rape has a statute of limitations of many, many years or even a statute of limitations that never expires (i.e. there is no statute of limitations). You also possibly have a civil claim.

For your concern that they won't believe you, if you have that video (or can get it), that's all the proof you should need. If you were unconscious, it is rape, no matter what. In some states, a woman who is intoxicated cannot render consent, so if you are clearly drunk, it's also rape, regardless of any other circumstance. For these two, you are unconscious or you are drunk, the video itself is proof of the crime.

In the case where you are not unconscious and you do not show blatant signs of drunkenness in the video (or you can legally consent while drunk in your state), you still have a very strong case. The video is evidence and your account of what occurred is also evidence. Those 2 together amount to a very strong case. With the hard evidence of the video, you have got the hard part taken care of. Don't worry about "enjoying it." To have reactions like this is normal, nothing to be ashamed of, and is not points in the favor of the people who attacked you.

If you care to share how old you were when this happened and how long ago it was, I could give you more information. In any event, I wish you healing and I think that you are very brave for sharing this.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

"People" get worse every fucking day... How could anyone do something this vile to another person? It's legit making me grit my teeth with anger seeing that this happened to you.

it feels so familiar to how my rapist behaved, but the psycho at least didn't film it, he just got off on having stolen my innocence,.. reminding me of it, gaslighting me about him doing it again...
I can't even imagine how that must feel, being already being violated like this and then again and again... Why are there men like this, why are they allowed to exist, who turn your suffering into a sick sadistic fetish fantasy and gloat to about it.
Fuck. I don't know how anyone can stomach to tell themselves that the world is good, that humanity isn't evil.

You deserve better... If it's possible, I hope you can get justice for this monstrosity, I understand if you'd rather not though, I was far too ashamed to tell anyone about this for years.
I hope you can, though; honestly just being told, for the first time in my life, that it wasn't my fault made me break down crying, because I had always thought before that it was. That was a good first step for me for acceptance,

So please don't blame or shame yourself if you can, I know that's not easy to do in a situation like yours by any means, but I hope you can end up finding some form of closure for yourself.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best in moving past this heinous shit...

 

[burningbin]

Before you ask, this isn't the main reason why I want to suicide (I have plenty of them), but it definitely adds up. It's a really sad and devastating story, please don't go on and read it if you're sensitive to all of this, but I thought of sharing it because I find this to be the right place.

Everything started when I woke up at my house, suddenly realizing that I was covered in cum (semen), I was at a shock at that moment, I was both surprised and at denial at the same time. I took a shower but noticed that my body doesn't clean itself so easily, like there's some kind of liquid that doesn't dissolve, ...Then I noticed.... there's definitely some sort of nasty liquid in my p... and my mouth, that's when I realized that I was definitely raped and I don't even remember the night :< I went to a pharmacy store and bought some plan B pills just in case. And you know what the worst thing was? The guy I was dating... 3-5 months later when I told him we wouldn't work out.... he sent me a video of guys raping me while me being unconscious while saying "I fapped to this video at least twice a day"
I honestly can't believe that people can be that cruel. If there is a God, I pray that those bastards get what they deserved. For the past couple of years I became asexual, and only few years later I became a lesbian.

tell the police. they wont care that its "old" you have enough evidence for it completely. I also just want to tell you that what you went through is horrible and you are incredibly strong for sharing it and getting through it.

 

[twitchymouse]

hello lovely, please please go to the police with the footage. it doesn't matter if it "looks like you were enjoying it" you were raped and they have to take your statement. plus if you were clearly intoxicated its rape regardless. not only that but it was recorded without your consent and that is also so illegal. please get yourself justice. i will help you look into it if you need further support just let me know. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

 

[sufferingextremely]

I'm really scared to do it though and it's been over 1 year. Should I really try?

I didn't notice this comment before. It sounds like it has been less than 2 years. That means your statute of limitations isn't up. You most likely have one or more civil causes of action still in play. If this caused you to have PTSD, for instance, you may have a personal injury claim. You may have an intentional infliction of emotional distress claim, in lieu of that. What I'm saying here is that you could sue them and get some money for yourself. If they have a good amount of assets, you can get a lawyer for free. If they do not, you'll probably have to pay for a lawyer.

You also sound like you're young. If you were less than 18 years old at the time this occurred, the person who showed you this video and every single person who has possessed and/or watched it is most likely eligible to be put in prison for the duration of their lives. If you were under 18, the person who sent you that video has admitted to multiple federal crimes, in addition to sending you smoking gun evidence of other crimes. If that video is stored on his phone, every time he pulls it up on his phone it's another crime.

You sound like you're young and also very scared. This is understandable. You can find support. It is your choice, but you have a good chance to get justice. There is no need to judge yourself no matter what you do. I don't think that your parents will judge you for what these people did to you. If you pursue justice, it will possibly be a years long battle. Be prepared for that happening. There is also a chance that it is over quickly because you have such a strong case. My heart breaks for you, for the place you are in and for how helpless this has made you feel.

 

[Lavander 230]

"People" get worse every fucking day... How could anyone do something this vile to another person? It's legit making me grit my teeth with anger seeing that this happened to you.

it feels so familiar to how my rapist behaved, but the psycho at least didn't film it, he just got off on having stolen my innocence,.. reminding me of it, gaslighting me about him doing it again...
I can't even imagine how that must feel, being already being violated like this and then again and again... Why are there men like this, why are they allowed to exist, who turn your suffering into a sick sadistic fetish fantasy and gloat to about it.
Fuck. I don't know how anyone can stomach to tell themselves that the world is good, that humanity isn't evil.

You deserve better... If it's possible, I hope you can get justice for this monstrosity, I understand if you'd rather not though, I was far too ashamed to tell anyone about this for years.
I hope you can, though; honestly just being told, for the first time in my life, that it wasn't my fault made me break down crying, because I had always thought before that it was. That was a good first step for me for acceptance,

So please don't blame or shame yourself if you can, I know that's not easy to do in a situation like yours by any means, but I hope you can end up finding some form of closure for yourself.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best in moving past this heinous shit...

I feel you, I was both angry and depressed at the same time. But I can promise you one thing though, if I'll decide to finally take my life away, I'm taking him with me, or at least inflicting some kind of permanent bodily damage (making him blind maybe) since I have nothing to lose anyway at this point.

hello lovely, please please go to the police with the footage. it doesn't matter if it "looks like you were enjoying it" you were raped and they have to take your statement. plus if you were clearly intoxicated its rape regardless. not only that but it was recorded without your consent and that is also so illegal. please get yourself justice. i will help you look into it if you need further support just let me know. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

How can I be sure this incident will stay anonymous? I don't want my current bf or parents to ever find out.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

I'm taking him with me, or at least inflicting some kind of permanent bodily damage (making him blind maybe) since I have nothing to lose anyway at this point.

Creatures like him don't deserve to be treated with any amount of respect or humanity, he stole from you and robbed you of your dignity in the most vulnerable way possible, and I think that's unconscionable. Ever since it happened to me I have always felt like that monster took something from me I could never get back no matter how hard i tried, I dunno what I'd describe what is was I lost, but I definitely felt lesser ever since. I totally get you, in my opinion it is entirely justified and reasonable for people who have been abused and degraded to this extent to steal something permanent from the cretin that did it back, it's cathartic to know that, at least if nothing else works, he won't get the last laugh. I appreciate you telling us that, I know I don't know you, but, it really made my blood boil thinking he'd get away with doing that to you.
I don't know if it's a helpful mindset to have about it, but i know what it feels like... i fully support you in seeking and taking your own justice on your own terms if it comes to that.
Whether the cops are helpful or not, whether you're ready to decide to take your life or not; you deserve closure all the same, and I really hope you can get it, whatever form it takes in the end.

It's sickening how much power they have over you, even well afterwards... I still get the identical nightmares. I still have trouble trusting any men in intimate scenarios.
Our situations are different, so I don't know how helpful this would be for you, but; while time definitely never "healed" it for me, it did become less noticeable the further away I got in time and distance from where it happened,
The hardest thing about having to come back to live with my parents again has been that everything here is a traumatic memory of some kind. I have to drive past his old house to get here, and the place it happened was just below me downstairs. i didn't notice at the time, but i think it helped me a lot to be physically away and know that he couldn't get to me ever again, but coming back has really re-opened it all. Before I had to come back here, I was finally starting to build my life back up; I never got close to my best, but i was in a place where I felt so much safer and able to function, that changed a lot for me.
I know it must be next to impossible for you to think about the future right now, but if you don't decide to ctb in the end, I do like to think it's at least possible to remake your life anew to some extent, that it might be worth living one day; or I'm at least holding onto that for now.

I dunno if that's helpful advice at all, but I thought I'd share it and hope you get something from reading this wall of text.
Take care dear.

 

[gnomes]

I feel you, I was both angry and depressed at the same time. But I can promise you one thing though, if I'll decide to finally take my life away, I'm taking him with me, or at least inflicting some kind of permanent bodily damage (making him blind maybe) since I have nothing to lose anyway at this point.

How can I be sure this incident will stay anonymous? I don't want my current bf or parents to ever find out.

He is sociopathic and highly debatable whether he would feel any form of remorse, guilt or pain regarding your suicide. Best way in this situation to cause him long standing pain is to ruin him. The thing is, your reputation isn't ruined. It will be his. I am sorry that you're afraid of your parents. It's a difficult place to be in. But given receipts + metadata, he's already basically given himself to the police in a sense.

 

[Lavander 230]

Creatures like him don't deserve to be treated with any amount of respect or humanity, he stole from you and robbed you of your dignity in the most vulnerable way possible, and I think that's unconscionable. Ever since it happened to me I have always felt like that monster took something from me I could never get back no matter how hard i tried, I dunno what I'd describe what is was I lost, but I definitely felt lesser ever since. I totally get you, in my opinion it is entirely justified and reasonable for people who have been abused and degraded to this extent to steal something permanent from the cretin that did it back, it's cathartic to know that, at least if nothing else works, he won't get the last laugh. I appreciate you telling us that, I know I don't know you, but, it really made my blood boil thinking he'd get away with doing that to you.
I don't know if it's a helpful mindset to have about it, but i know what it feels like... i fully support you in seeking and taking your own justice on your own terms if it comes to that.
Whether the cops are helpful or not, whether you're ready to decide to take your life or not; you deserve closure all the same, and I really hope you can get it, whatever form it takes in the end.

It's sickening how much power they have over you, even well afterwards... I still get the identical nightmares. I still have trouble trusting any men in intimate scenarios.
Our situations are different, so I don't know how helpful this would be for you, but; while time definitely never "healed" it for me, it did become less noticeable the further away I got in time and distance from where it happened,
The hardest thing about having to come back to live with my parents again has been that everything here is a traumatic memory of some kind. I have to drive past his old house to get here, and the place it happened was just below me downstairs. i didn't notice at the time, but i think it helped me a lot to be physically away and know that he couldn't get to me ever again, but coming back has really re-opened it all. Before I had to come back here, I was finally starting to build my life back up; I never got close to my best, but i was in a place where I felt so much safer and able to function, that changed a lot for me.
I know it must be next to impossible for you to think about the future right now, but if you don't decide to ctb in the end, I do like to think it's at least possible to remake your life anew to some extent, that it might be worth living one day; or I'm at least holding onto that for now.

I dunno if that's helpful advice at all, but I thought I'd share it and hope you get something from reading this wall of text.
Take care dear.

Thanks for all the advice, i really appreciate that you care about me, however I want to ask, can you tell me more about your story? I don't care that much if someone hurts me, but I can't stand seeing someone else being tortured/abused. How badly were you hurt, honey?

He is sociopathic and highly debatable whether he would feel any form of remorse, guilt or pain regarding your suicide. Best way in this situation to cause him long standing pain is to ruin him. The thing is, your reputation isn't ruined. It will be his. I am sorry that you're afraid of your parents. It's a difficult place to be in. But given receipts + metadata, he's already basically given himself to the police in a sense.

idc about the police or "public justice", I'm literally planning on inflicting him the most pain possible without getting caught. I'm tired of being a victim all these years, the only way I can get over it is by inflicting pain that he inflicted to me.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

this is so fucked up, genuinely im so sorry that this happened to you. i cant even imagine how painful it was knowing that someone who is supposed to love you did something so horrific. i hope you know that this isn't your fault, and i hope you heal from this and find peace someday.

also, 1 year isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things. certainly not too long to still report this if you want to. the police are shit and rarely bring rapists behind bars but since you do have video evidence, if it's clear that you're really drunk, they might believe you. if you make it clear how unstable it's made you too they might believe you, but as some people said it's no guarantee that they'll do their jobs.

i saw in another reply that you wanted to blind him. give him what he deserves especially if you do die. but maybe you should try going to therapy, it might help talking to someone about such a traumatic thing happening to you. whatever you end up doing, maybe it could at least make the time you have left a little easier.

you can message me if you ever want to talk. i haven't gone through something like this but i empathize with your pain. i sincerely hope your suffering ends

 

[katara]

I've talked to women who tell me similar things have happened to them. I honestly don't understand how they keep on living everyday. I hate feeling unloved because women like me usually end up with guys like that because we lower our standards. It's disgusting, and nobody cares. Most people are not sympathetic, most human beings are cruel. I wish things weren't like this. I started feeling suicidal when I was 11 because I was lonely even then, i told myself things would get better, but here I am, and things are not better.
I can't even vent about my loneliness in places I thought I could, there's this shitty subreddit called foreveralone. I wanted to post there but I forgot sense I'm a woman i'm apparently not allowed to because "women don't experience loneliness". This is the kind of shit we hear when we are in our lowest moments. I just want these people to not exist anymore, like where is natural selection? where is justice in this world? I feel like it doesn't exist, if it does, it's very rare.
I know my reply won't change anything, but if you ever want a stranger to talk to I'm available. I hope you get better people in your life soon

 

[wr3ck3d]

Thanks for all the advice, i really appreciate that you care about me, however I want to ask, can you tell me more about your story? I don't care that much if someone hurts me, but I can't stand seeing someone else being tortured/abused. How badly were you hurt, honey?

idc about the police or "public justice", I'm literally planning on inflicting him the most pain possible without getting caught. I'm tired of being a victim all these years, the only way I can get over it is by inflicting pain that he inflicted to me.

You should report it to the police regardless. Even if they don't manage to do much at least you will have peace with yourself that you have done something about it. And who knows, maybe your actions will stop someone else from going through that as it's likely you weren't the first or the last victim of their actions

Edit: and next time go to the police as soon as possible

 

[Cathy Ames]

Everything about this situation is horrible. Are you in the United States? If so, I suggest you go to a Crisis Rape Center and speak to someone there. Given how things can work sometimes (misogyny, etc.), it would be a very good thing for you to have some good support as you navigate through the "justice" system. For real, it can feel as though you are being assaulted a second time, what with one thing and another. I don't mean to discourage you from doing it, but it isn't good to go into it blindly. Please get some help if you can.

I am so sorry this happened to you.