Venting I was politically groomed and it's still causing severe guilt

[locketofroses]

If you think I'm a horrible person after reading this, that's fine. So do I.

I've never told anybody about this, at least not since I left, but I'm an ex neo nazi.

I realize how crazy that is to admit, but I don't take saying this lightly at all. I say it because it's true, and I honestly don't know how to live with myself since leaving that "community", if you can even call it that.

It started when I was 15. I was severely suicidal, and very very angry at myself and the world. I met a guy a lot older than me who my friends were worried would sexually groom me, but he didn't. Instead he promised me a place where I could belong, where I could be loved unconditionally the way my family should have loved me, and an enemy to place my anger on instead of myself. It sounded like a dream come true at the time. What I didn't realize then was that it wouldn't get rid of my anger, it would only redirect it to people who had nothing to do with my problems at all.

Eventually, when I was 17, I lost contact with that guy. I didn't immediately change my mind about everything, but slowly I did my own research. Now, two years later, I no longer identify with that ideology at all and haven't in quite some time.

The problem is I can't see myself now as separate from those years. I feel like I still believe those things even though I know I don't. It doesn't help that my boyfriend is German. Logically I know that's completely coincidence, but sometimes I wonder if maybe subconsciously I chose him because of that. Which is stupid because I really do love him as a person. He is the sweetest and most loving person I have ever met. He's exactly what that guy when I was 15 tried to claim I'd have, except without the hate and anger. He's like a ray of sunshine personified. Yet sometimes I still think that maybe deep down I'm only attracted to him because of his looks and nationality/ethnicity...

And besides that, I know I hurt people. Sure, never physically, but I know I caused emotional pain to a lot of people who didn't deserve it during those years. It's one of few things I've ever actually felt guilt for, and I think I always will. Not to say I don't deserve to, I absolutely do after the things I said and did. But deserving and being able to handle it are two very different things. Sometimes I think it wouldn't be a loss to anyone at all if I died because at least the world would be down another horrible person. Maybe I'm right. I'll never know, because by the time I am dead, well, I'll be dead. I won't be able to know how anybody felt about it.

I know all I can really do now is move on with my life and continue to educate myself better than I did then. But it'll never feel like enough. I'll always know what I was. Everybody who knew me between 15-17 will always know what I was. I can't erase that fact no matter how much I change. I still made those choices, I still believed those things, I still defended an ideology that caused some of the worst events in history. Nothing I do can change that.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm not asking for anything. It's just one of those things where sometimes talking about it helps even if it can't fix the problem.

 

[Troubling Thoughts]

hi. Reading your post is actually very relatable to me. When i was 15 i was also involved heavily into the right wing and uh it was pretty bad. I was basically at the end of the pipeline and I was only 16. For the longest time i knew i was gay and the whole right wing phase thing was a way for me to not feel like faggot or pathetic for things i was insecure about.
I knew it was wrong and one day i just couldnt take how i felt about it anymore and i dropped it. I am only 18 now, but the 2 years since then have been me being wrecked with guilt and shame. Sometimes i think the only way i could fix it is if i took my own life..... But also since then i have met people who dont judge me for it and understand that i was just a dumb kid in search of meaning. I never really got the courage to tell my therapist the extent of it but my peers helped me a lot with the guilt and they told me i was a new person and i should focus on that.
I think you should remember that too. You are the same person you were when you were 15, but you are also *not* the same person you were when you were 15. People may judge you for how you used to be but you should know in your heart you are a changed person who is deserving of love and forgiveness. I dont know if you're asking for forgiveness exactly, but i would like to say since i understand what you went through that i forgive you. you know now that it is wrong and that is what matters.

It's so easy for kids to be radicalized/groomed online nowadays.... dont blame yourself for being born at the perfect time to be a victim of online grooming. I dont know who exactly to blame myself for what happened to me for example. I dont know if i should be mad at myself for falling for it, for my parents for not stopping it or trying to dissuade me, or the older people i was "friends" with for encouraging that stuff. perhaps it is a perfect storm kind of scenario. insecure kid finds people who tell you everything you want to hear and a perfect scapegoat, and your parents just dont give a fuck.

I sit and remember what i did and i am upset with myself, but i do forgive myself because i know i will never do anything like that ever again... not saying that like i have a "purpose" now to fight racism or something, I just have let the time pass and for the healing to work. also, drugs and kind transgender people online have helped me lol, the people who i used to bully and hate coming to help me makes me cry so much..... forgiveness and change and love really are beautiful.

i hope your boyfriend helps you to not feel bad about this because you shouldnt. you should continue to live your life and discover yourself and search for happiness.