I was never meant to be here

[wiltingwither]

I feel as if I was never meant to be here in the first place. My mom and dad divorced when I was born, and I always went back and fourth between them. My dad met another woman, and had two kids later on in life. My mom slept around with guys of all ages. My mother is an alcoholic who has a knack for drugs. My dad and stepmom see her as a horrible person. When I was 12 she decided decided stop being apart of my life, and cut contact. This caused my dad to take her to court and revoke custody rights. He did this because he cares, right? They never acted like it. Ever since then it's only gotten worse. They veiw me as an extension of my mother, constantly relating me to her. Telling me how selfish and lazy I am. Then go ahead and tend to my half siblings with the upmost care. I feel like a stray dog pretending to be normal. My dad has severe anger issues, as a side. He will go through a cycle off grabbing my face and telling me how much of a dissapointment I am, to coming into my room in the middle of the night to apolgize and make himself feel better. My stepmom however, is also the same. She will ignore me, or love me for a short period of time, before they quickly realize where my roots come from again. And it happens over and over again. I go insane for short amounts of time just to try and be normal again, I feel stripped of every last mental wall I had that was still standing. As for my mom, I recently found out she's been going through recovery. She's married a man who has 2 kids. She treats them as her own, I wonder why I couldn't have that version of her. I finally concluded I am the problem. All those sleepless nights at her house where I ask for food while she's laying in bed with maggots under the sheets. All the times I've had to wake up to multiple men looking through my room. And now that I'm gone, she's finally decided to take a new path. I felt I could make up this by really trying my best at school, I get As a Bs. But going to a Charter school is hell. School is my entire life, I cannot rest for a minute without being shoved in the face with another task. Its tiring. And I try. I really do try. But it's never enough. I'll always seem like the dumb one. The one who will grow up and be a deadbeat. The one who will make it nowhere in life. What's the point of working towards a goal that will just be unachievable in the end. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of not having anybody, I'm tired of trying for nothing. I want it all to end. I need CTB methods. Preferably painless. Like going to sleep. If you made it this far thank you.

 

[Roseate]

It is not your fault. None of it is your fault. Their actions have nothing to do with you. And I am so sorry you have to go through all that. It is unfair and it isn't right.

 

[cath55555]

I understand at least some of your pain- my parents didn't divorce until I was 13, but they both used me as a weapon against one another. I don't really talk to my dad much any more, I know that he was abusive to my mum when they were together. he moved on pretty fast and sees my stepmum's kids as his own. I think he's disgusted that I'm related to my mother, and she feels the same way about him being my father. it's like they're both so angry at me all of the time, just because *they* chose to have a kid, and as cliche as it sounds- I didn't ask to be born, especially not to the mess that is my family tree. but anyway, I guess telling you that is my way of saying: you're not alone in feeling that way about your parents. take care of yourself as best you can.

 

[paintedbutterfly676]

You are not the problem. You didn't deserve this, the people who were supposed to protect you failed you, this is on them. You deserve a better life, and I wish you could get it

 

[undecided]

You are moving towards being an adult and you sound like you've got an amazing head on your shoulders. You CAN do this! Things can only get better for you, when you cut ties with the problem, which sadly, is your family. Get the grades you've worked for and deserve, get yourself an amazing career, some therapy, and carve yourself the future you deserve.... and don't look back!

 

[tfnb]

I'm sorry that you've go e through this. Your family sounds like it's compromised of terrible people. You should consider if you're trying to CTB because you want to, or because you just don't want to be a part of their lives anymore. If it's the latter, school is only a small portion of your life on average.

If you want to find CTB methods, go to the discussion page, click on the "filter" button and choose "method" in the prefix drop down

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you have to go through, it's certainly such a cruel existence where people have to suffer so much, I understand why you'd feel so tired of it all. I wish suicide is as straightforward as just choosing to never wake, it's horrible how people have to struggle to die despite all the suffering.