I was forced ot prioritize my families suffering over my own

[Water-Lily]

This is more or less a relization after chatting with my grandmother just now

We were talking about different topics and eventually stumbled across my mom. How my grandmother feels about her death and ultimately told me to always speak up if I ever feel like I'm in trouble. While muttering over that myself I remembered how, ultimately, I suffered the worst out of everyone. Being that I was the child and every around her enabled her behaviors, I never thought about myself. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and thought about how my mom hurt them. I think it is safe to say my mother was not only horribly abusive but had a lot of power. Physically, mentally, psychologically, financially, etc. Yet, nobody was there for me.

I wish my father stepped in more and dint take her side. While there are some moments I can tell he really tried, it wasn't;t enough. More times of cowardice than times of being an actual adult. I am not sure whether he abused me per say, but he definetly did neglect my emotional needs when I was hurting

All this to say, I don't think my family are bad people. They do have questionable behaviors that makes me not want to be around them, but they are definetly not "bad". Misguided ignorant, and even abusiev in some respects but not bad. In that sense I consider myself fortunate. That I know my grandma could whip me up a meal and visit me even when she is old and can barely walk. That despite how narcissistic my aunt can be always praises my education l accomplishments and has attempted to be a family buffer at times (but failed). And how I am forever regarded as a "princess" by my youngest unlce. That my brother has moments of being genuine and apologizing to me, and my father prioritizing me the first he gets home from work.

Not all is bad, but I just wish they did more. That's all I wanted. But they failed.

 

[Rabhen]

This is more or less a relization after chatting with my grandmother just now

We were talking about different topics and eventually stumbled across my mom. How my grandmother feels about her death and ultimately told me to always speak up if I ever feel like I'm in trouble. While muttering over that myself I remembered how, ultimately, I suffered the worst out of everyone. Being that I was the child and every around her enabled her behaviors, I never thought about myself. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and thought about how my mom hurt them. I think it is safe to say my mother was not only horribly abusive but had a lot of power. Physically, mentally, psychologically, financially, etc. Yet, nobody was there for me.

I wish my father stepped in more and dint take her side. While there are some moments I can tell he really tried, it wasn't;t enough. More times of cowardice than times of being an actual adult. I am not sure whether he abused me per say, but he definetly did neglect my emotional needs when I was hurting

All this to say, I don't think my family are bad people. They do have questionable behaviors that makes me not want to be around them, but they are definetly not "bad". Misguided ignorant, and even abusiev in some respects but not bad. In that sense I consider myself fortunate. That I know my grandma could whip me up a meal and visit me even when she is old and can barely walk. That despite how narcissistic my aunt can be always praises my education l accomplishments and has attempted to be a family buffer at times (but failed). And how I am forever regarded as a "princess" by my youngest unlce. That my brother has moments of being genuine and apologizing to me, and my father prioritizing me the first he gets home from work.

Not all is bad, but I just wish they did more. That's all I wanted. But they failed.

Such is life my sibling. We must have been raised by the same people it seems. We are always failed by our parents and we always fail our children. It is the only way it is, the only way it can be. No matter the precision eloquence, it is impossible to experience any other perspective than our own and this is true for all of us. Without an ability to experience other perspectives it is impossible to fully understand another's being, nor them ours. Failure to fully understand another's being, makes it impossible to adequately determine what another being actually needs or desires to experience.