Venting i was doing fine for a week then suddenly the urge to die crashed down on me again

[uselessflesh]

im not open about my suicidality but i dont bother to mask my miserable nature usually. i think my family member realized something was wrong last week because they pulled me off to the side and asked if i had an emergency or needed the hospital, that if they had any concerns that i'd ctb they would take me to the er or if i were violent to myself take me to involuntary hold and continued to tell me about the types of people i'd be forced to live with to try and scare me i guess. i don't know what about my behavior implied this, perhaps my withdrawing but i do have avpd and hold resentment for the trauma my family put my through so there's no reason to leave my room besides for food anyways.
but i did have an emergency. i was scared and actually wanted to go to the hospital. but my body froze and repeatedly said i'm fine because there was no way i could admit it and now i feel stupid. i said no because we're all broke and jobless. i don't have any access to proper medical care, i'm starting college soon and couldn't handle debt when i have that, haven't even had my first job yet and haven't begun a proper adult life. i simply said no and that i'd wait for proper help despite the wait killing me mentally. i hope this is understandable. if you would have acted differently and taken the offer up in the moment, then i'm sorry for my stupidity. my existence is a constant cry for help and i live in fear too scared to even ctb but i have nothing to live for. i'm just pissed at whatever higher being decided to put me here without my consent