schrei_nach_liebe
Experienced
- Jul 6, 2023
- 227
Hey y'all. I'm a return member, I don't remember what my username was and I probably wouldn't be able to access it if i did, but it was on the non v2.0 a few years ago.
A lot has happened since then. I had 2lb SN, with 2x25g bottled in a kit with meto etc. It's not the SI that got me, it was guilt about leaving my mother and sister, especially after what I put them through when I semi-successfully CTBd (flatlined for over 8 mins followed by an extended coma, anoxic brain injury) on a cocktail mainly consisting of 22.5g amitriptyline.
I fell deep into a C addiction, up to 5g per night, at least 4 out of 7 nights a week. I wanted to dull the cognitive deficit caused by the ABI. $75K later my life collapsed, I lost my home, went into a bipolar mixed episode and went FMLA on my job. I skipped town to the east coast and never looked back - liquidated my assets and ended up in the black basically. I got here with nothing but my car. I had an arrangement with a property my mom owned for free rent while I went back to school to become a BSN-RN (second bachelors, I was medically grounded from my flying career). I can't keep anything tidy and I ended up blowing all my money from disability on fine timepieces and caviar, literally. I just can't control myself since that brain injury. She kicked me out of the property and moved me into her place where she could keep an eye on me.
Well…I was about to graduate (it's a pretty prestigious school too). But everything is collapsing again. Last June my PTSD got to me in my 3rd out of 4 semesters and I had to withdraw halfway through the semester. I'm not prone to ptsd, but I have this one event in my life involving the gruesome loss of a SO and 18 of his colleagues which was 10 years ago last week. Anyway, same thing's happening again, and it doesn't look possible for me to graduate after this grueling hell I've subjected myself to and put myself into more than 80k deeper in debt. I also have some pre-existing neuro and adrenal problems that absolutely suck the life out of me and make it look like I'm going through drug withdrawals especially at clinical. I've been asked to piss in a cup so many times. And im positive on amphetamines and benzos every time which is like really fun to explain your way out of as a nurse.
I was thinking I was just going to be able to pick up where I left off and get some more SN, but that doesn't look so easy anymore. I keep thinking about giving myself an air embolism in the bathroom because that is something I could do easily. But it's not reliable, and I know how much air is needed. And I don't think it would be peaceful. My old trusty method of amitriptyline was great except for taking so damn long, I was found after 40 hours in a coma before going into cardiac arrest. If my parent had been 10 minutes later breaking into my place I'd have been fully successful.
Anyway, I figured I'd chat with you fine folks for a while before I figure out what to do now.
Here's the song from my high school days that inspired my username. From the self described best band in the world, Die Ärzte.
Thank you!
A lot has happened since then. I had 2lb SN, with 2x25g bottled in a kit with meto etc. It's not the SI that got me, it was guilt about leaving my mother and sister, especially after what I put them through when I semi-successfully CTBd (flatlined for over 8 mins followed by an extended coma, anoxic brain injury) on a cocktail mainly consisting of 22.5g amitriptyline.
I fell deep into a C addiction, up to 5g per night, at least 4 out of 7 nights a week. I wanted to dull the cognitive deficit caused by the ABI. $75K later my life collapsed, I lost my home, went into a bipolar mixed episode and went FMLA on my job. I skipped town to the east coast and never looked back - liquidated my assets and ended up in the black basically. I got here with nothing but my car. I had an arrangement with a property my mom owned for free rent while I went back to school to become a BSN-RN (second bachelors, I was medically grounded from my flying career). I can't keep anything tidy and I ended up blowing all my money from disability on fine timepieces and caviar, literally. I just can't control myself since that brain injury. She kicked me out of the property and moved me into her place where she could keep an eye on me.
Well…I was about to graduate (it's a pretty prestigious school too). But everything is collapsing again. Last June my PTSD got to me in my 3rd out of 4 semesters and I had to withdraw halfway through the semester. I'm not prone to ptsd, but I have this one event in my life involving the gruesome loss of a SO and 18 of his colleagues which was 10 years ago last week. Anyway, same thing's happening again, and it doesn't look possible for me to graduate after this grueling hell I've subjected myself to and put myself into more than 80k deeper in debt. I also have some pre-existing neuro and adrenal problems that absolutely suck the life out of me and make it look like I'm going through drug withdrawals especially at clinical. I've been asked to piss in a cup so many times. And im positive on amphetamines and benzos every time which is like really fun to explain your way out of as a nurse.
I was thinking I was just going to be able to pick up where I left off and get some more SN, but that doesn't look so easy anymore. I keep thinking about giving myself an air embolism in the bathroom because that is something I could do easily. But it's not reliable, and I know how much air is needed. And I don't think it would be peaceful. My old trusty method of amitriptyline was great except for taking so damn long, I was found after 40 hours in a coma before going into cardiac arrest. If my parent had been 10 minutes later breaking into my place I'd have been fully successful.
Anyway, I figured I'd chat with you fine folks for a while before I figure out what to do now.
Here's the song from my high school days that inspired my username. From the self described best band in the world, Die Ärzte.
Thank you!
