A few days ago I did the dumbest thing in my life by saying things that I deeply regret, and I don't even have the courage to explain them here to my (now ex) girlfriend. At the time it all made sense to me, but minutes later I realized it was nonsense and I simply dealt with an extremely sensitive subject that she brought up in a very idiotic way. Besides sounding like I didn't care about what she went through (which was awful), I also ended up doubting her as a person. I know this will all be very confusing without me explaining exactly what happened. I wish I had the courage to speak, but I can't. I blame myself so much for it.
Anyway, she cried, repeated several times that I was an idiot, and then broke up with me. And I deserved it; in her place, I would have broken up with myself too. But this hurts me so much; for days I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or even talk to anyone. I can only cry from disgust with myself and feel terrible about what she's going through because of me. She was the most incredible, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and fun person I've ever met. We were about to celebrate our 1 year and 6 months together on the day we broke up. I've already lost about two kilos (and I'm already someone who has a serious weight problem, with a BMI of 16). Everything I try to eat makes me vomit, and yesterday I even vomited blood. Maybe my body is starting to fail, and I hope it happens soon. Since that day, everything has gone wrong. I can't even smile without feeling like a monster, I can't sleep without hearing her voice or hallucinating and seeing her in front of me. Everything I do always reminds me of her and I feel terrible, and the worst part is that the next day we talked, and even after all that she said "I still love you, but it's over". I would have preferred if she had simply said that she hated me and that I was the worst thing in the universe, but hearing that only made me feel even more awful. Not only that, but she also kept insisting that I "wasn't a monster" and only asked that I take care of myself
I had already thought of a place to jump from, a large viaduct that I frequently pass by. But it turns out I realized it's much lower than I imagined. It wouldn't be enough. And I don't even have another place to try; my house, for example, doesn't have a place to tie rope. And exit bags, besides being expensive for my current situation, It would also make my family suspicious. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just exist and hope I don't wake up tomorrow. It's the worst time of my life, And I've had other horrible moments.
Again, I know that maybe no one will understand what I meant, but I needed to at least say it somewhere where people could see it
I was going to post this and try to take some sleeping pills, but I remembered to say a few things.
This isn't exactly related to what I was reporting above, but I think everything has gone wrong in my life since then. In less than a week, I accidentally had a nail pierce my foot, I think I broke a toe, and I argued with family and friends, And I also discovered that the worst person I've ever met in my life for months was not only following me, but interacting with me pretending to be someone else. The same person who tried to stab me, He betrayed me, tried to drive all my friends away from me and leave me alone, and did everything he could to destroy my life for over a year and a half. This has been worrying me, and I think it's worth mentioning here. I think all of this combined is a plausible reason for me to be actively seeking ways to CTB.
Anyway, she cried, repeated several times that I was an idiot, and then broke up with me. And I deserved it; in her place, I would have broken up with myself too. But this hurts me so much; for days I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or even talk to anyone. I can only cry from disgust with myself and feel terrible about what she's going through because of me. She was the most incredible, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and fun person I've ever met. We were about to celebrate our 1 year and 6 months together on the day we broke up. I've already lost about two kilos (and I'm already someone who has a serious weight problem, with a BMI of 16). Everything I try to eat makes me vomit, and yesterday I even vomited blood. Maybe my body is starting to fail, and I hope it happens soon. Since that day, everything has gone wrong. I can't even smile without feeling like a monster, I can't sleep without hearing her voice or hallucinating and seeing her in front of me. Everything I do always reminds me of her and I feel terrible, and the worst part is that the next day we talked, and even after all that she said "I still love you, but it's over". I would have preferred if she had simply said that she hated me and that I was the worst thing in the universe, but hearing that only made me feel even more awful. Not only that, but she also kept insisting that I "wasn't a monster" and only asked that I take care of myself
I had already thought of a place to jump from, a large viaduct that I frequently pass by. But it turns out I realized it's much lower than I imagined. It wouldn't be enough. And I don't even have another place to try; my house, for example, doesn't have a place to tie rope. And exit bags, besides being expensive for my current situation, It would also make my family suspicious. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just exist and hope I don't wake up tomorrow. It's the worst time of my life, And I've had other horrible moments.
Again, I know that maybe no one will understand what I meant, but I needed to at least say it somewhere where people could see it
I was going to post this and try to take some sleeping pills, but I remembered to say a few things.
This isn't exactly related to what I was reporting above, but I think everything has gone wrong in my life since then. In less than a week, I accidentally had a nail pierce my foot, I think I broke a toe, and I argued with family and friends, And I also discovered that the worst person I've ever met in my life for months was not only following me, but interacting with me pretending to be someone else. The same person who tried to stab me, He betrayed me, tried to drive all my friends away from me and leave me alone, and did everything he could to destroy my life for over a year and a half. This has been worrying me, and I think it's worth mentioning here. I think all of this combined is a plausible reason for me to be actively seeking ways to CTB.
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