I want to stay alive

[scuicideuser2023]

I want to stay alive and I want relief from my mental illness. I suffer from OCD and it's gotten to a point where I want to give up but can't make that decision. I would need to give up my animals to a shelter and that would be hard on them.
I was thinking of trusting my therapist. He says it'll get better over time but I'm a 40-year-old virgin college graduate who lives in poverty and on welfare. It's been a really lonely life for me. I"m just not sure I can last much longer.

I have some ideas for "catching the bus" but the problem is I believe that there isn't a bus to catch, only oblivion that awaits us all. So I can't get myself to follow through with my plan because existence is probably as good as it gets for us. Yet I'm suffering in mental pain all day.

It's also dishearting to read other posts where people are really successful in their careers and are still struggling with suicidal ideation. I was hoping once I get on my feet and have a career life would be a bit more enjoyable but a career just makes things worse. I understand though. Being disconnected from nature and working for a corporation and obeying their rule book is soul-draining work.

I guess what I'm asking is how I get to a point where I'm not suffering so much while living alone and in poverty. I could probably get to a point where I could have a job but with my disability, I fall apart every time I work. I'm stuck in a pickle of fear and don't want to die.

 

[DaatiSimi]

Have you tried psychedelics?

 

[scuicideuser2023]

Have you tried psychedelics?

I have and I think they help me let go of things but can also make me feel down afterward. I took some last week and felt euphoric and let go of some things and when I sobered up I felt down because I started thinking about needing to work and my crippling fear of it.
I want to do the new Psilocybin drug therapy in Oregon where you're with a therapist and they give you a heroic dose (i think that means a really high dose) and talk you through it, but it's so damn expensive.

I'll try and get more psilocybin though. I wish it wasn't illegal. It would be great if you could get it from a doctor. I'm also on medical cannabis and that can help calm me down but I feel that the psilocybin helps me let go of traumatic things. Probably should do them with a friend though since I usually get down when I'm sober.

 

[ButterflyDream]

I think that complete relief just isn't a possibility for people like us. Like, whatever mix of mental illness and external factors we've got going on is probably never going to completely go away. Maybe it's about changing our expectation of what relief means. or forming a solid definition of what relief means to us personally. What would you define as relief?

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I want to stay alive and I want relief from my mental illness. I suffer from OCD and it's gotten to a point where I want to give up but can't make that decision. I would need to give up my animals to a shelter and that would be hard on them.
I was thinking of trusting my therapist. He says it'll get better over time but I'm a 40-year-old virgin college graduate who lives in poverty and on welfare. It's been a really lonely life for me. I"m just not sure I can last much longer.

I have some ideas for "catching the bus" but the problem is I believe that there isn't a bus to catch, only oblivion that awaits us all. So I can't get myself to follow through with my plan because existence is probably as good as it gets for us. Yet I'm suffering in mental pain all day.

It's also dishearting to read other posts where people are really successful in their careers and are still struggling with suicidal ideation. I was hoping once I get on my feet and have a career life would be a bit more enjoyable but a career just makes things worse. I understand though. Being disconnected from nature and working for a corporation and obeying their rule book is soul-draining work.

I guess what I'm asking is how I get to a point where I'm not suffering so much while living alone and in poverty. I could probably get to a point where I could have a job but with my disability, I fall apart every time I work. I'm stuck in a pickle of fear and don't want to die.

Firstly, I want to tell you that I'm proud of you. To be suffering so badly and still shout out that you want to live and be better, that takes courage. It really does.

I can only offer you my perspective for what it's worth. I also believe that it's simply oblivion after death. And that existence is probably preferable, but suffering every day as we do makes that so very difficult. It's a terrible thing.

As for the career aspect, I'm not entirely sure I agree. We're all here for our own reasons, and we're all experiencing our own unique trials. I can't say that I love my job, but I was proud of what I'd accomplish each day. It's never been part of my reason for feeling suicidal. But as I say, we're all different.

Loneliness is a killer. It's a large part of why I'm here. I really, really sympathise with you on that one. I am struggling massively with it myself.

I have to be honest. I think for a lot of people on here, the only way to recover would involve a lot of effort, probably a large amount of frustration, and I'm not sure that it's a process that's ever going to be 'complete'. Almost like giving up an addiction.

None of that's to say it isn't worth doing. I don't know anyone here personally. Most likely never will. But I would love to hear about anyone here who gets to a much better place. When I look around this place, I see a lot of decent people who deserve a lot better than they've been dealt.

I really hope things can improve for you.