bluesoapyskies
Member
- Aug 4, 2023
- 48
this is my first time posting something in the recovery thread. ive actually been on this site before, years ago, however at the time, i was a teenager (and thus was promptly kicked off lol). i found some of the posts on my old account and they make me sad reading them. although i was quite determined on dying and had actually planned a serious attempt, there were some cries were help i could spot throughout my posts.
im an adult now. a lot has happened in my life and im at a point now where i must face reality and make some big decisions.
overall, ive never actually "wanted" to commit suicide. i dont think most people do. i think we're brought to this decision by unfortunate circumstances we face in life. no one wants to be sad and depressed.
i want to live but im so scared. i deal with some physical health concerns, both internally and externally, and they significantly decrease my quality of life.
i want to live a fulfilling life. due to my health conditions, ive come to accept that ill likely never get married and have a family. although this was painful to come to terms with, i understand that there is more to life than just kids. however my conditions may also affect my work life. giving up a family is one thing, but giving up a career, thats impossible. i need to be able to support myself and find something at the very least which can keep me occupied and interested.
starting now, i am hoping to recover. i used to set strict deadlines for myself such as "my life better be perfect by 18 or im done!" or "my body must look like this is x amount of months or i give up!" this was unrealistic as life is unpredictable and there are unfortunately some things we just cant control. i am going to be more patient with myself now, however this decision is still a ticking clock. i hope things get better physically, i really hope they do. to me, suicide is a rational decision. if my quality of life is affected so heavily to the point where i cannot even attain some semblance of comfort, that's cruel and is a form of self torture.
im giving my body reasonable amounts of time. i will try to be kinder to myself and avoid overdosing and drowning myself in alcohol when times get tough.
suicide is a last resort to me, one i hope to not face, but may have to if things dont improve. i like to know that there is always a way out, that im not trapped. even when things are going good, i always need a to have a backup plan.
i hope life gets better, not only for me, but for all of us.
im an adult now. a lot has happened in my life and im at a point now where i must face reality and make some big decisions.
overall, ive never actually "wanted" to commit suicide. i dont think most people do. i think we're brought to this decision by unfortunate circumstances we face in life. no one wants to be sad and depressed.
i want to live but im so scared. i deal with some physical health concerns, both internally and externally, and they significantly decrease my quality of life.
i want to live a fulfilling life. due to my health conditions, ive come to accept that ill likely never get married and have a family. although this was painful to come to terms with, i understand that there is more to life than just kids. however my conditions may also affect my work life. giving up a family is one thing, but giving up a career, thats impossible. i need to be able to support myself and find something at the very least which can keep me occupied and interested.
starting now, i am hoping to recover. i used to set strict deadlines for myself such as "my life better be perfect by 18 or im done!" or "my body must look like this is x amount of months or i give up!" this was unrealistic as life is unpredictable and there are unfortunately some things we just cant control. i am going to be more patient with myself now, however this decision is still a ticking clock. i hope things get better physically, i really hope they do. to me, suicide is a rational decision. if my quality of life is affected so heavily to the point where i cannot even attain some semblance of comfort, that's cruel and is a form of self torture.
im giving my body reasonable amounts of time. i will try to be kinder to myself and avoid overdosing and drowning myself in alcohol when times get tough.
suicide is a last resort to me, one i hope to not face, but may have to if things dont improve. i like to know that there is always a way out, that im not trapped. even when things are going good, i always need a to have a backup plan.
i hope life gets better, not only for me, but for all of us.
