Venting i want to live

[sadstuffie]

it's not fair.
all these terrible things just suddenly happened to me. im scared you all will judge me if i say what happened. i know im being stupid.
my problem is that i really do love so many things about life, but i just can't do it anymore. i wish i could die & be kinda like a spectator so i could see the ones i love grow.
i need to die before Halloween even though it's my fav holiday....my abusive ex has ruined it for me because i know she'll be with her new girl instead of me. that sounds silly, but she suddenly told me & now i don't want to live in a world where my abuser gets to be happy & have everything i want.
guys, im scared. all i ever wanted was to have fun & help others.
i want this all to stop pls help

 

[Zegers]

We all want to live. I want to die because i can't live like this, thats all.

I want to die to live.

 

[SexyIncél]

Are there any straws you can grasp at, that could heal you, or at least make you feel better & stabilize?

(Also feel free to PM me if that's more comfortable)

 

[CassieHoward]

i sympathize with your situation, but what i want to say more than anything else is that nobody will judge you. we're all here for you to lend an ear whenever you need.

 

[sadstuffie]

We all want to live. I want to die because i can't live like this, thats all.

I want to die to live.

i feel that. if i could live the life i deserved, things would be a bit different

 

[flightless bird]

You think you could decide to forget about your ex and move on? Most benzos or SSRIs can help you achieve this easily I think.

 

[sadstuffie]

i sympathize with your situation, but what i want to say more than anything else is that nobody will judge you. we're all here for you to lend an ear whenever you need.

i know, but at the same time i think some people would look down on me if i kill myself over my abuser. it's honestly so painful

 

[Zegers]

i feel that. if i could live the life i deserved, things would be a bit different

Right, thats the problem, sometimes we are in a wrong life.

 

[sadstuffie]

You think you could decide to forget about your ex and move on? Most benzos or SSRIs can help you achieve this easily I think.

it's kinda hard because i live with her....because she told me she wanted me to & then all this bullshit happened. tbh im uncomfortable being on meds because the meds are what changed her for the worse & im afraid what it would do to me

 

[Lullaby]

I'm sorry, stuffie. People have shared all sorts of things on here and have gotten support. I hope you know you'll get no judgment for whatever you're dealing with.

 

[theboy]

If you want to live, you still have hope in your life.

 

[sadstuffie]

Are there any straws you can grasp at, that could heal you, or at least make you feel better & stabilize?

(Also feel free to PM me if that's more comfortable)

i don't exactly know. nothing has made me happy for years.

If you want to live, you still have hope in your life.

i know. isn't that stupid

 

[Lonerzepam]

You can just pass the time with something like video games or movies. If it's halloween go nuts you don't need anyone for that or go with a friend. And maybe finally some other better dude will show up for you

 

[Ruinedbypsy]

i know, but at the same time i think some people would look down on me if i kill myself over my abuser. it's honestly so painful

Fuck 'em right? People will likely look down on you if you CTB either way. Hope you find peace whatever you decide. I feel most people would rather live if they could undo traumas.

 

[Lonerzepam]

If you want to live, you still have hope in your life.

True. But at the same time I'm happy when all of this is finally over

 

[sadstuffie]

You can just pass the time with something like video games or movies. If it's halloween go nuts you don't need anyone for that or go with a friend. And maybe finally some other better dude will show up for you

tbh i can't watch movies or do anything, i have no interests anymore unfortunately

 

[Lonerzepam]

tbh i can't watch movies or do anything, i have no interests anymore unfortunately

Yeah but you're not blind or anything theoratically you can. Then buy a new game or watch a new show and smoke some weed or cook/bake something whatever you like and enjoy or possibly could enjoy even if it's just going for a walk

 

[Hollowillow]

it's not fair.
all these terrible things just suddenly happened to me. im scared you all will judge me if i say what happened. i know im being stupid.
my problem is that i really do love so many things about life, but i just can't do it anymore. i wish i could die & be kinda like a spectator so i could see the ones i love grow.
i need to die before Halloween even though it's my fav holiday....my abusive ex has ruined it for me because i know she'll be with her new girl instead of me. that sounds silly, but she suddenly told me & now i don't want to live in a world where my abuser gets to be happy & have everything i want.
guys, im scared. all i ever wanted was to have fun & help others.
i want this all to stop pls help

Please forgive me if this is unwanted but I've been abused too *glomp hugs you gently*

I'm interested to know what happened. Maybe we can think of stuff to try to live...

I read about narcissists, and having the right to have boundaries. Did he rape you? You can still say no to a husband. You can go to the useless cops, maybe that will be a fair warning to his new victim. I doubt he'll resist hurting her so she won't stay for long. Staying with an abuser for 50 years, living in terror, beaten, killed... You're lucky if he dumped you quick... Now you're free to meet a better guy. Maybe you found your calling, to work to help with abused women. Social services lack empathy and blame women, so you'd be needed.

My reason to die is a broken body in pain, unable to do the things I love... And I stupidly cleaned with a home made acid mix and now everything I touch gives me burns... My eyes and brain are melting... It's torture... I begged the cheap housing to send his chemical cleaner crew... That I'd pay... Instead they sent letters of threats...

Is your body so ravaged you can't even watch tv? You can heal... Your soul can heal. The best revenge will be to find a new happiness too. If that piece of gargage can you could. Or if you want to kill someone... Well... There are other options than suicide... Not suggesting anything just pointing out endless possibilities.

I hope you can heal

 

[sadstuffie]

Please forgive me if this is unwanted but I've been abused too *glomp hugs you gently*

I'm interested to know what happened. Maybe we can think of stuff to try to live...

I read about narcissists, and having the right to have boundaries. Did he rape you? You can still say no to a husband. You can go to the useless cops, maybe that will be a fair warning to his new victim. I doubt he'll resist hurting her so she won't stay for long. Staying with an abuser for 50 years, living in terror, beaten, killed... You're lucky if he dumped you quick... Now you're free to meet a better guy. Maybe you found your calling, to work to help with abused women. Social services lack empathy and blame women, so you'd be needed.

My reason to die is a broken body in pain, unable to do the things I love... And I stupidly cleaned with a home made acid mix and now everything I touch gives me burns... My eyes and brain are melting... It's torture... I begged the cheap housing to send his chemical cleaner crew... That I'd pay... Instead they sent letters of threats...

Is your body so ravaged you can't even watch tv? You can heal... Your soul can heal. The best revenge will be to find a new happiness too. If that piece of gargage can you could. Or if you want to kill someone... Well... There are other options than suicide... Not suggesting anything just pointing out endless possibilities.

I hope you can heal

im sorry for what you're going through.
well, without going into super great detail, she hit me a couple times & did lots of other really bad things that make me question myself. i feel like im a narcissist sometimes though so, idk. she abandoned me so much & always choose others over me for years. that stuff really gets to a person

 

[theboy]

True. But at the same time I'm happy when all of this is finally over

I get it
What would make you feel better?

 

[emgrl]

tbh i can't watch movies or do anything, i have no interests anymore unfortunately

I get it, everything is just overwhelming and annoying.

 

[Hollowillow]

it's kinda hard because i live with her....because she told me she wanted me to & then all this bullshit happened. tbh im uncomfortable being on meds because the meds are what changed her for the worse & im afraid what it would do to me

Oh god it's hard to break up, even harder to still live with them, even even harder to see them with their new person... Way harder if abuse...
Pills make people psychotic and agressive... It's literally written as a side effect. More anxious & suicidal too. It's garbage. Happiness must be reached not drugged.

Good for you to not be like her. Can you try to move back with your family or other roomate? Can you ask her time to move out before she invite her new lover in your face?

 

[jamie_]

the worst people are the happiest that's the reality of this hellish world we live in. hopefully i grow the balls to escape

 

[sadstuffie]

Oh god it's hard to break up, even harder to still live with them, even even harder to see them with their new person... Way harder if abuse...
Pills make people psychotic and agressive... It's literally written as a side effect. More anxious & suicidal too. It's garbage. Happiness must be reached not drugged.

Good for you to not be like her. Can you try to move back with your family or other roomate? Can you ask her time to move out before she invite her new lover in your face?

my family does not like me & are also abusive. idk what i can do other than just die & not have to deal with any of this. sure, there are things im looking forward to, but i don't think they'll get me through this pain. I'll have to reconsider my method very soon cause i need something quick

 

[Funeralprincess]

it's not fair.
all these terrible things just suddenly happened to me. im scared you all will judge me if i say what happened. i know im being stupid.
my problem is that i really do love so many things about life, but i just can't do it anymore. i wish i could die & be kinda like a spectator so i could see the ones i love grow.
i need to die before Halloween even though it's my fav holiday....my abusive ex has ruined it for me because i know she'll be with her new girl instead of me. that sounds silly, but she suddenly told me & now i don't want to live in a world where my abuser gets to be happy & have everything i want.
guys, im scared. all i ever wanted was to have fun & help others.
i want this all to stop pls help

I respect this. Don't let people tell you CTB over an ex isn't worth it or valid… it's the one reason that gets judged the most and I hate that. I want to die because I can't be with my ex lover, so a little different than your situation, but I still understand. It can be extremely triggering to live in the same world as your abuser so it's a very valid reason to want to leave. Seeing ones abuser thrive without consequences can make life very unpleasant and can resort to poor psychological decline so in a sense, CTB could be viewed as releasing yourself from self harm and mental damage

 

[sadstuffie]

I respect this. Don't let people tell you CTB over an ex isn't worth it or valid… it's the one reason that gets judged the most and I hate that. I want to die because I can't be with my ex lover, so a little different than your situation, but I still understand. It can be extremely triggering to live in the same world as your abuser so it's a very valid reason to want to leave. Seeing ones abuser thrive without consequences can make life very unpleasant and can resort to poor psychological decline so in a sense, CTB could be viewed as releasing yourself from self harm and mental damage

thank you. it just really hurts to see her living the life i deserve. she hurt me so much & she's the one that gets the happy ending? & Im just forced to die?? i hurt for myself

 

[Hollowillow]

tbh i can't watch movies or do anything, i have no interests anymore unfortunately

Smoking weed can cause psychosis, and being a lesbian? Makes it harder to find a partner...

I see that you have distress unrelated to her too... I wonder if you fell in the trap of codependency. I did many times. So obsessed with my lover that I neglected my hobbies, became his shadow, forgot who I was.

The trick to heal was to try new things until some were more enjoyable than others... Discovering my preferences. Who I am. It's necessary to have a healthy balanced relationship. I'm not blaming you... But once you find yourself... You could find a better match for your heart. Because you'll know what you want and you'll be the one to decide, instead to play along with the whims of someone who abuse that flexibility.

Forget bitches. Find yourself?

im sorry for what you're going through.
well, without going into super great detail, she hit me a couple times & did lots of other really bad things that make me question myself. i feel like im a narcissist sometimes though so, idk. she abandoned me so much & always choose others over me for years. that stuff really gets to a person

Thank you for opening up, I'm also sorry you were broken by what seems to be a narcissist, not you. Saying "I want the life that I deserve" might sound a bit narc, but I think it's self respect and will help you heal & move to better.

 

[sadstuffie]

Smoking weed can cause psychosis, and being a lesbian? Makes it harder to find a partner...

I see that you have distress unrelated to her too... I wonder if you fell in the trap of codependency. I did many times. So obsessed with my lover that I neglected my hobbies, became his shadow, forgot who I was.

The trick to heal was to try new things until some were more enjoyable than others... Discovering my preferences. Who I am. It's necessary to have a healthy balanced relationship. I'm not blaming you... But once you find yourself... You could find a better match for your heart. Because you'll know what you want and you'll be the one to decide, instead to play along with the whims of someone who abuse that flexibility.

Forget bitches. Find yourself?

Thank you for opening up, I'm also sorry you were broken by what seems to be a narcissist, not you. Saying "I want the life that I deserve" might sound a bit narc, but I think it's self respect and will help you heal & move to better.

being a lesbian is part of the reason i want to die. it's just miserable really. that sounds like a lot of effort. im not anything, there is no me to find. im empty completely. i wish i wasnt scared to die

 

[Hollowillow]

my family does not like me & are also abusive. idk what i can do other than just die & not have to deal with any of this. sure, there are things im looking forward to, but i don't think they'll get me through this pain. I'll have to reconsider my method very soon cause i need something quick

My parents are abusive too & let my suster be homeless. Can you move in with another roomate? I don't have the courage to redo my life again but you sound young. But I see that you're a member since years... So I'd respect your decision... But if you want to live, LIVE! Ignore her, go out as much as possible to avoid her, do activities, meet people... You'll open opportunities? I suck at it though ...

thank you. it just really hurts to see her living the life i deserve. she hurt me so much & she's the one that gets the happy ending? & Im just forced to die?? i hurt for myself

This isn't the ending, just the plot. You can live 100 years. There is still time for her to ruin her new relationship and for you to do a beautiful path of healing & self discovery. Helping others. Finding a kind partner. It can be a temporary set back.

Even people who kill & end up in jail can end up having fun. *Whispers* I'm not pro life.

 

[chocolatebar]

it's not fair.
all these terrible things just suddenly happened to me. im scared you all will judge me if i say what happened. i know im being stupid.
my problem is that i really do love so many things about life, but i just can't do it anymore. i wish i could die & be kinda like a spectator so i could see the ones i love grow.
i need to die before Halloween even though it's my fav holiday....my abusive ex has ruined it for me because i know she'll be with her new girl instead of me. that sounds silly, but she suddenly told me & now i don't want to live in a world where my abuser gets to be happy & have everything i want.
guys, im scared. all i ever wanted was to have fun & help others.
i want this all to stop pls help

You can always tell what you want and we have no right to judge you.

It's always painful to see abusers getting successful in things while we're left behind, crippled by their actions and falling apart. I feel this way about my family.