I want to live

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I've reported you to the moderation. You may fool others but not me. You are a prolifer crawling from the news article.
You called suicidal people cowards. You're a massive ignoramus.

It's funny that prolifers are enjoying their existence so much that they choose to spend their wonderful, beautiful lives preaching on a Sanctioned Suicide board. I for one would not be here if my life were that amazing.

Furthermore the reasoning that prolifers give is that they are trying to "help". Despite receiving numerous respectful declines, they continue even when it's clear the so-called "help" is not wanted or requested. That is pretty sad and goes to show the lack of respect for others and their boundaries.

You've got to be pretty empty inside to embark upon a useless fruitless crusade. My sympathy goes out to anyone feeling such a deep-seeded emptiness.

 

[WideAwake]

So again: could you please clarify whether that statement is meant to apply to how you believe others should feel, or simply how you feel about yourself? Is it self-referential rhetoric, or an admonition to other people here?

How I should feel about myself. Self-talk, stream of consciousness.

And yes, you did say you believed CTB to be easy...:

I think you should read the quote again. What I said is that I've seen talk by others here that implied CTB was easy. I never said that I believe it is easy. And I went on to say that for me, in my own personal situation, it would be the easy way out. That is not the same as the act itself being easy. Would you rather eat 2000 pounds of shit, or a 2000 pound barbequed elephant? Neither task would be particularly easy, but given the choices I think eating the elephant would be the easier task. And compared to either of those, CTB would be the easy way out.

...Or else by that phrase you implied it to be, at least for you, cowardice.

You got it. I am currently facing my own cowardice. I never thought that I was a coward, but yes, I am for once in my life truly afraid. I am left with two undesirable options. CTB or continue living and face the consequences of my predicament.

As you can see from my posts above, I am going out on a limb and playing the Devil's Advocate in your favor against some members of this forum who are quite reasonably wary of pro-life interlopers and feel strongly enough to have taken exception to my giving you the benefit of the doubt. I look forward to your clarifications, and I strongly urge you to in the future take a bit more care with the way you present your statements. We are all wound pretty tight around here, even on the best of days. And these are not the best of days.

Your admonishment is wasted. I frankly could not care less who may or may not be offended by the words I write. I'm not here intentionally trying to offend anyone, so if it happens, it's their problem and not mine.

 

[not_a_robot]

Didn't you say you want to live?
Maybe go and do that, then?
Nobody here is trying to stop you.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Didn't you say you want to live?
Maybe go and do that, then?
Nobody here is trying to stop you.

Now you understand why I named myself LMFAO Fockers.

People grasping at straws are trying to rope you in. But I can tell from your posts you are smart and already know that so I'm chuckling with you.

I frankly could not care less who may or may not be offended by the words I write.

I'm not here intentionally trying to offend anyone, so if it happens, it's their problem and not mine.

Like

Funny how we went from "I want to live" to "I frankly could not care..." on the brink of a dime. Discussion boards are for thoughtful dissection and support. I observe, receive and try to give much thoughtful care and support in this community. Your statement(s) do not do any of that. Frankly the fact that you dont care how your statements are received is a testament to your lack of caring about anyone in here to begin with. No tried and true member of this community would ever type such a thing.

 

[TiredHorse]

@WideAwake, thank you for your clarification. We differ significantly in how we approach our presence on the forum, but... so it goes. I'll leave to you break your own trail.

No tried and true member of this community would ever type such a thing.

Have you noticed, @LMFAO FOCKERS, that you and WideAwake have the same sign-up date?

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Have you noticed, @LMFAO FOCKERS, that you and WideAwake have the same sign-up date?

Not really. I dont focus on dates. I focus on the contributions. So if your goal is trying to claim superiority using a date then your point doesnt resonate with me. If that's not your point then clearly state it.

 

[PatKat]

Reading a lot of the posts here I believe is helping me to get through my depression. The talk of how easy it is to CTB is leading me to believe that's the easy way out. Death is going to come for each of us soon enough with no help from ourselves. I know there are some here with far worse conditions than my own, and I can understand the desire to want to end it. I have reasons to live. People I care about. These dark thoughts are a vicious circle. I get depressed and think there's no way out but death, then wish to die, then get more depressed. I have just gotten deeper and deeper into despair. But when I step back and look at my situation, it's not as bad as it feels. It's bad, but people have suffered worse than me. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and stop being afraid. The universe doesn't give a shit about me. In 100 years I wont even be remembered, and this will all be over. Hell, I'm lucky if I would live 20 more years even if I try. No one expects me to succeed but me, I put all this pressure on myself. Failure is an option no matter how much I don't want to fail. Get up and fight dammit. Quit being a coward and fight. If I were to go out it would have to eclipse Beebo Russell's method anyway, and that's not possible. I'm just going to hand on for now and see what happens. It will probably get harder, but it will also be interesting. Good luck to you all.

I hope you find happiness and if you do please share with me how you did that. I have been trying to find happiness for 22 years. Everytime I seem to find it another crushing wave hits me and I end up lower than I was before. I am at the point where I havent left home in over a month the world is a scary place. This place is the only place I have to talk without fear of being locked in a psychiatric hospital. Best of luck to you and remember you are always welcome here to discuss recovery as well. :)

 

[TiredHorse]

If that's not your point then clearly state it.

My point is that if you were referring to yourself as a "tried and true member of this community," in contrast to WideAwake, on the basis of time spent on this forum, your assertion is absurd. If you imagine yourself more "tried and true" due to some overweening preference for your own contributions, that is even more absurd.

But having asked for clarification from WideAwake, and received it, I don't see that my presence on this thread is productive. In fact, getting anyone any further riled up is counterproductive to making the forum a safe place. If you feel like trolling me here on this thread, go for it; I will not be following the thread, so you can say what you like.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

My point is that if you were referring to yourself as a "tried and true member of this community," in contrast to WideAwake, on the basis of time spent on this forum, your assertion is absurd. If you imagine yourself more "tried and true" due to some overweening preference for your own contributions, that is even more absurd.

That's your interpretation of what I said.

You are welcome to choose your rating system just the same as I am welcome to choose mine. I'm a grown 40++ yr old woman. A little banter is not gonna hurt me.

In practice I would never go somewhere without giving before I attempt to receive. In my opinion, people who receive without giving tend to have selfish motive. If I choose to use that as a golden rule for my opinions that's my prerogative.

If you feel like trolling me here on this thread, go for it;

I dont troll people. That's useless, abusive and counterproductive. However you are welcome to try to troll me. I ignore that stuff.

EDIT: I also make sure I give in the method that is supportive as requested. If I can't I stay away. For example I would never throw anyone "the best birthday party I never had" right after they told me they wanted a quiet private dinner at home.

 

[WideAwake]

I hope you find happiness and if you do please share with me how you did that. I have been trying to find happiness for 22 years. Everytime I seem to find it another crushing wave hits me and I end up lower than I was before. I am at the point where I havent left home in over a month the world is a scary place. This place is the only place I have to talk without fear of being locked in a psychiatric hospital. Best of luck to you and remember you are always welcome here to discuss recovery as well. :)

Thank you for your kind words. I would love to to know more about what you fear. I will tell you my story if you will tell me yours. Mine is simple. I have had a good life. I am 49 years old, and have always managed to do well in the world. I've had good careers, a family, and been able to create security for myself with a comfortable nest egg. A few years ago I became discontent with my circumstances after my divorce, and decided I wanted to work for myself. I started a business in an already saturated market, thinking that I could succeed because everyone else was already succeeding. I have invested all of my savings in this business, and honestly, it is failing. My situation isn't dire, but it is quickly moving in that direction. I believe that I am looking at bankruptcy, and that is a very tough pill for me to swallow. So here I am, in the pit of my despair. There is no mental illness, no debilitating disease, no ill health, no heartbreak, nor any of the other myriad of reasons that so many here want to CTB in why I am in such a state. It is just me and my pride and my ego battling because of my own inevitable failure, and the fear of having to start building my life over again after failing at such a late age in life. There are many here that offer kind words and there are some that are obviously angry and resentful of their circumstances, and I truly feel for everyone that is here. We are all here for the same reason, we feel our options are limited. I want to help others even if I cant help myself. So if I can offer words of advice or present things that speak to me in my dilemma to others, I do. Some are obviously skeptical, thinking I am here as trying to be some kind of savior, and I understand their skepticism. I am not trying to save anyone. I just feel I want to offer help where I can. Sometimes we all just want to be heard and understood, and that's all that it takes. To everyone here reading this, no matter what your issue with life is, I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

Funny how we went from "I want to live" to "I frankly could not care..." on the brink of a dime. Discussion boards are for thoughtful dissection and support. I observe, receive and try to give much thoughtful care and support in this community. Your statement(s) do not do any of that. Frankly the fact that you dont care how your statements are received is a testament to your lack of caring about anyone in here to begin with. No tried and true member of this community would ever type such a thing.

Friend, you are right. That was my own ego talking yet again when I said that I don't care. The truth is, I do care. When I said I didn't, that was an obvious defense mechanism to support my own hubris. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But I do understand you have pain. I'd like to know more about your story and your own personal situation and why you feel your life has limited value to the extent you want to leave us. I think that's why I'm here, to listen. If you want to share with me, that would be my honor. and I will answer any questions of me that you might have as truthfully as I can.

 

[PatKat]

Thank you for your kind words. I would love to to know more about what you fear. I will tell you my story if you will tell me yours. Mine is simple. I have had a good life. I am 49 years old, and have always managed to do well in the world. I've had good careers, a family, and been able to create security for myself with a comfortable nest egg. A few years ago I became discontent with my circumstances after my divorce, and decided I wanted to work for myself. I started a business in an already saturated market, thinking that I could succeed because everyone else was already succeeding. I have invested all of my savings in this business, and honestly, it is failing. My situation isn't dire, but it is quickly moving in that direction. I believe that I am looking at bankruptcy, and that is a very tough pill for me to swallow. So here I am, in the pit of my despair. There is no mental illness, no debilitating disease, no ill health, no heartbreak, nor any of the other myriad of reasons that so many here want to CTB in why I am in such a state. It is just me and my pride and my ego battling because of my own inevitable failure, and the fear of having to start building my life over again after failing at such a late age in life. There are many here that offer kind words and there are some that are obviously angry and resentful of their circumstances, and I truly feel for everyone that is here. We are all here for the same reason, we feel our options are limited. I want to help others even if I cant help myself. So if I can offer words of advice or present things that speak to me in my dilemma to others, I do. Some are obviously skeptical, thinking I am here as trying to be some kind of savior, and I understand their skepticism. I am not trying to save anyone. I just feel I want to offer help where I can. Sometimes we all just want to be heard and understood, and that's all that it takes. To everyone here reading this, no matter what your issue with life is, I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

:( sorry you went and are still going through that I had to file chapter 7 bankruptcy in 2009 form my 2008 attempt<75mph into a wall> I owed millions in doctor and hospital bills I have titanium in my face and skull, and a nasty tracheotomy scar that I have to see every day to remind me how much of a failure i really am. I lost my father when I was 12, and a few friends suicided when i was a teenager using various methods shotgun, and hanging mainly. I joined the Army at 18 and lasted a few years 2002 - 2006 and received an honorable discharge for mental health. I have tried ny hardest to leave this place but someone always saves me somehow. The world is punishing me for being alive. I cannot even get the help they I ACTUALLY WANT! I have been trying and cannot afford to even eat. Law firms keep freezing my bank accounts and there is under $50 in them and this is my food money for basic nessecity. I just do not want to be a part of the world if this is how it treats people. It's all money money money no compassion and not a single person in the fields that are suppose to care actually care. Waiting 11 months for an initial decision just proves they lack the care and just want me to die so they dont have to get me insurance I dont care about the money at all I need insurance so I can help myself. :( They will get what they want soon I am getting to that point I have stepped back up the ladder ideation, means, and plan currently just need timeframe and it will be complete.

 

[WideAwake]

:( sorry you went and are still going through that I had to file chapter 7 bankruptcy in 2009 form my 2008 attempt<75mph into a wall> I owed millions in doctor and hospital bills I have titanium in my face and skull, and a nasty tracheotomy scar that I have to see every day to remind me how much of a failure i really am. I lost my father when I was 12, and a few friends suicided when i was a teenager using various methods shotgun, and hanging mainly. I joined the Army at 18 and lasted a few years 2002 - 2006 and received an honorable discharge for mental health. I have tried ny hardest to leave this place but someone always saves me somehow. The world is punishing me for being alive. I cannot even get the help they I ACTUALLY WANT! I have been trying and cannot afford to even eat. Law firms keep freezing my bank accounts and there is under $50 in them and this is my food money for basic nessecity. I just do not want to be a part of the world if this is how it treats people. It's all money money money no compassion and not a single person in the fields that are suppose to care actually care. Waiting 11 months for an initial decision just proves they lack the care and just want me to die so they dont have to get me insurance I dont care about the money at all I need insurance so I can help myself. :( They will get what they want soon I am getting to that point I have stepped back up the ladder ideation, means, and plan currently just need timeframe and it will be complete.

Reading this makes me tear up, and I am a grown many that hasn't shed a tear in a long time. I know this is cliche, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart ... thank you for your service. I too served in the Navy for 10 years, submarine service, and you are a fellow veteran and my brother in life. You are correct, no one should be treated the way you are, and if you were here now I would buy your lunch. I am sorry for what you feel. Know that your life and experiences have value to me, even though you and I have never met. I am so insignificant compared to what you've experienced, but I do care about you. I hope you get the help you deserve.

 

[PatKat]

Reading this makes me tear up, and I am a grown many that hasn't shed a tear in a long time. I know this is cliche, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart ... thank you for your service. I too served in the Navy for 10 years, submarine service, and you are a fellow veteran and my brother in life. You are correct, no one should be treated the way you are, and if you were here now I would buy your lunch. I am sorry for what you feel. Know that your life and experiences have value to me, even though you and I have never met. I am so insignificant compared to what you've experienced, but I do care about you. I hope you get the help you deserve.

I appreciate your words more than you know and your service. It seems the veterans of this country get treated worse than non veterans it could just be my opinion though since I fall into the other category. They really wonder why there are so many homeless and suicidal veterans... They cared enough to give their lives and the government wont lift a fucking finger to help them we are discarded trash.