I want to kill myself because I hate myself so much but I can't

[ur8ndom]

I did a lot of evil things in my past and I hurt the person I love the most. I manipulated her in my favor, she was like my sister. We were together for 5 years, learned hacking together and we had a lot of things in common. She was the first person who understood me. But still I manipulated her our whole relationship, I played with her feelings, I put her down, gaslighted her without realizing it. We were coding on an app together, it was my dream. In the beginning I tried to convince her to have a threesome with my dream girl but I just tried to get hold of her so I can leave her. I betrayed her emotionally our whole relationship. She denied but years later, when we were coding on our app, we actually were clean from amphetamine, studied and hit the gym, it was the first time I felt a glimpse of happiness, she went partying, came home and said, "guess, whose number I got for a threesome". She had the number of my dream girl. At first I denied, I said I don't want to destroy things but then I saw her image on whatsapp and all my feelings came back up and I said ok, lets do this. We invited her and she was in but I felt more than just sexual attraction, my ex got jealous and we stopped. I proposed to my ex and asked her if I could have sex with my dream girl before we marry. Fuck I was playing with her, I wanted to see if I can have her. She reacted positively when I asked her and I knew our relationship is over. And then things got messy, I threw my ex out, manipulated her into talking to my dream girl, fuck, I didn't even help her finding a new flat or moving, I quit my studies, I ruined our project. We made a lot of money and she was the disciplined part of us but I told her, she doesn't deserve more than 30%. I was convinced that I'm in right. I started a relationship with my dream girl, she went through a crisis at this point, too, she was unemployed, had a mental health crisis and hadn't found her path yet. I manipulated her, too, I wanted to move away with her to get away from my ex, because I felt so guilty and to isolate her and have her under my control. After a few weeks of hanging out together, she wanted to have a relationship with me but I sabotaged it because I felt so guilty, I hurt her really badly and wanted to get back to my ex. At this point she didn't want to have me back anymore. Things got messy, we started stalking each other, I started to use tinder, she had a new boyfriend who also was a psycho and hit her. She got crazier and crazier, it hurt so badly to see her like this. I lost my flat, I was on the streets for a while but found a new flat. After 1 1/2 years she found a new boyfriend who treated her nicely. I thought when she is happy I can work on myself and get back my dreamgirl. I started to write a book about my story - it was a dream of mine - but then realized that I was a terrible person. I turned completely crazy. I started to drink alcohol, got really impulsive, I did a lot of things against my values. I stalked multiple women who actually used to adore me until I landed at the psychward. I promised to myself to work on myself there and build a routine and get back on track but I didn't. I secretly drank, I distracted myself with a woman I met there, I ruined my passion project, I wrote my dream girl nasty stuff on insta. After I got out, I got a call from the police, she complained to them because of stalking. I had spent all my savings, I ruined a project that was really important to me, my ex wrote me that I'm a bad person and she doesn't want me in her life anymore. I hit rock bottom badly. I was in a fucking dark place for 2 years, I realized that I was a bad person my whole life. I only ate donuts and smoked cigarrets and watched porn for a year, I barely left the flat. I felt like all my dreams died, I felt, like I can't ever make up for all the things I had done and forgive myself. I started to insult myself and became really self destructive. Then I met a menthor, I knew him from before, he went through a similar story. He got back on his feet, became successfull and turned things aroung, he's now a philantropist and married. I started to hit the gym and tried to make money but I kept feeling like shit. The only thing that made me happy was to think about how I should have behaved. An ideal self emerged and I knew whom I wanted to be the first time but didn't realize it. It was like a compulsion, I couldn't stop thinking about the could have beens. I wanted to kill myself. But then I got into a private clinic. There I realized that it was possible to transform myself if I just could manage to forgive myself. I created a vision of myself and whom I wanted to be but I just couldn't forgive myself. I met another woman there, told her my story, she acccepted me anyways and wanted me to live with her. Eventhough I knew it was wrong, I threw my vision away and made plans to move to her city. At the same time I realized that I could do everything I wanted to do when my ex had her new boyfriend now, I realized that I can work on myself and become the best version of myself and then apologize to my ex and my dream girl. When I made a plan how to reach my goals and how to go the redemption ark the first time, suddenly all the pain, all the cognitive dissonance was gone, I got out of the dark place I was in. But I sabotaged myself on purpose. I thought I failed. I applied for another clinic because I thought, I don't really want it subconciously but after a month of waiting, the suicidal ideation came back. I visited a old friend and stayd with him and smoked weed because it made the thoughts of self harm go away. When I was with him I realized that I can still do everything now, I went back to my hometown but then I immediately gave up, I smoked weed with my neighbour, I gave in to self doubt. I got self destructive again. Then in april I woke up with the words "It's about my ex, it's about my whole future" and started working towards my goals for just one day and I got a massive forward momentum. I aligned my actions with my newly found values and goals and I felt happy and joyful for the first time. My intuition came back. I knew I was on the right path. But then I had a setback. I got self loathing. I realized that I hate myself because I'm not walking my highest path. But instead of realigning my actions with mky values and goals, I kept doing the things that made me loath myself I got into a self destructive cycle and drained myself completely. This was in may. Since then I was leying in bed, asking myself, "should I kill myself or not". The voice in my head is back, telling me to kill myself every second. When I work towards my goals I don't feel better, I feel that I ruined my path to redemption irreperabely and I really feel like I can't become the man I want to be anymore, I feel like I can't reconcile with my past, with my ex (my best friend) and my dream girl. I feel like I can't ever forgive myself for finding my way out of this dark place, regaining my intuition but then throwing myself off course completely. I could enjoy food, nature and exercising again in the beginning of the year, now I just feel numb and weighed down by guilt and shame. My mentor doesn't want to see me anymore, everyone lost believe in me and I feel unable to move forwards.

 

[Cress]

The fact that you are able to have such a tremendous amount of introspection into Your own motivations Is way more than most evil people ever get. Regardless if you consider yourself evil or not it's not really anyone's place really to judge. Lots of people have done terrible things and I don't think they deserve to suffer or hate themselves. You're not the same person that you were even a few weeks ago. If you want to really get technical you effectively die when you go to sleep and some other person you don't know takes over.

You're deserving of compassion just as much as anyone else one thing you could potentially try is thinking of yourself as another person. Some people find it easier to have compassion for others instead of themselves. So if you just view yourself as someone that you're taking care of it might make things a little bit easier. Technically it's true you really only occupy the brain and the rest of your body is depending on you to keep it safe.

I have really terrible and dark traits of my own People either find me really interesting to talk to or they think my attitude and view of the world is appalling. Finding me really difficult to be around. It can be really difficult when you get a chain reaction on multiple people projecting you one after the other however it's important to realize that you have positive and negative traits. I know you have good traits in you because you explain to that you had loving and caring people come into your life that really treasured to be around you. It's just a matter of introspection and identifying what those traits were and trying to amplify them and do them more.

It seems like you've already done a lot of introspection already and probably have some idea of what positive traits You would want to keep. It's never too late to change. I know you feel like you've messed up with a lot of people and it's the end of the road. However there is plenty of people out there that would love to have you in their life and would Cherish spending time with you.

I wish you nothing but the best and if you ever want someone to talk to my DMS are always open. Take care of yourself Buddy.