qonav
carry me away in melting tenderness.
- Nov 1, 2023
- 25
I kept living.
I was misguided and under the impression that the words of those around me carried a deeper meaning I was yet not able to grasp.
From the hospital someone I hadn't met long ago offered me comfort, he said all these wonderful words…I wanted to believe them so bad.
He asked me to start dating, I thought since he knew my history and spoke with me during my time at the hospital for a suicide attempt with SN that things really could be different, that his words were honest and pure, that his gifts meant he would never want to part with me.
I tried to kill myself 2 days ago, I had been walking the whole day through the city, made my mind of jumping into the river.
I had been sexually abused as an infant by people around me multiple times, different people. I didn't have my meds with me for a while and I can't know if that's what brought the nightmares back in the last 3 weeks. I was depressed, but I always wanted to make people feel comfortable around me in a way, to make others laugh and be a jester so nobody believes the depths of my suffering now. Not even the man that said he loved me.
After a few days apart and after a friend dragged me forcefully home while I was in front of the river at night he came to my apartment, I had written all these pages with ways to reflect on things. It didn't matter, he had made up my mind to break up with me before he arrived here.
So he broke up with me.
Before we were together I told him the importance of physical affection for me, that touching, kissing, having sex. I had never done them with anyone and I only wanted to do them with the person I would marry, the person I'd be together forever with.
He made me feel comfortable in thinking that that person was him, that we would be together forever.
But he left me. And I can never have these things back, I can never be with anyone again, I am dirty. I had been dirty but through years of being celibate and modest, I thought…I thought I was worth something. At least these aspects of me had value. Now I don't have that anymore.
The man I love, thinks that all of my depression and my recent suicide attempt is all a manipulation tactic, that I am playing mind games with him. The hurt I feel knowing that, there is no word to describe it.
I never cut my arms thinking that blemished skin like that would make others uncomfortable and add to the list of my negative traits, but now I've cut my arm with a glass I shattered and with a knife as well, likes scatter across it making my appearance more disgusting than what it already was, but I can't help it, I can't deal with this pain. I believed it, I believed his words. I believed there was a future for me, that we could have a future together and he loved me so much that he wanted to give that to me.
I am an idiot.
I should've died the first time that I took SN but I got cold feet, I got scared and called the cops.
I wish I hadn't. The pain only grows stronger every single time, I wish I had died back then.
To be honest, I wish I hadn't been born at all.
I am sorry to everyone I am hurting with this, all of it, with me being this way. To my best friend who had to get me from the river, to him, to my other friends. I am deeply apologetic to all of them. And yet this suffering and misery, that feels like a deep ball of darkness in my chest, it steals all my energy away and makes me want to disappear…How can they understand this feeling? Can I really be faulted for wanting to die?
My words are so convoluted but there is no way to express myself besides this awkward, robotic and messy way because the pain is too great, my chest has been hurting so much I feel sick. My head hurts.
I hope to die soon, partial hanging, drowning or slicing my throat will do. I am not as afraid of pain as I used to be.
I am afraid of keeping on living like this.
Life scares me more than death, I've lived a life in fear and I want peace.
I'm sorry.
I was misguided and under the impression that the words of those around me carried a deeper meaning I was yet not able to grasp.
From the hospital someone I hadn't met long ago offered me comfort, he said all these wonderful words…I wanted to believe them so bad.
He asked me to start dating, I thought since he knew my history and spoke with me during my time at the hospital for a suicide attempt with SN that things really could be different, that his words were honest and pure, that his gifts meant he would never want to part with me.
I tried to kill myself 2 days ago, I had been walking the whole day through the city, made my mind of jumping into the river.
I had been sexually abused as an infant by people around me multiple times, different people. I didn't have my meds with me for a while and I can't know if that's what brought the nightmares back in the last 3 weeks. I was depressed, but I always wanted to make people feel comfortable around me in a way, to make others laugh and be a jester so nobody believes the depths of my suffering now. Not even the man that said he loved me.
After a few days apart and after a friend dragged me forcefully home while I was in front of the river at night he came to my apartment, I had written all these pages with ways to reflect on things. It didn't matter, he had made up my mind to break up with me before he arrived here.
So he broke up with me.
Before we were together I told him the importance of physical affection for me, that touching, kissing, having sex. I had never done them with anyone and I only wanted to do them with the person I would marry, the person I'd be together forever with.
He made me feel comfortable in thinking that that person was him, that we would be together forever.
But he left me. And I can never have these things back, I can never be with anyone again, I am dirty. I had been dirty but through years of being celibate and modest, I thought…I thought I was worth something. At least these aspects of me had value. Now I don't have that anymore.
The man I love, thinks that all of my depression and my recent suicide attempt is all a manipulation tactic, that I am playing mind games with him. The hurt I feel knowing that, there is no word to describe it.
I never cut my arms thinking that blemished skin like that would make others uncomfortable and add to the list of my negative traits, but now I've cut my arm with a glass I shattered and with a knife as well, likes scatter across it making my appearance more disgusting than what it already was, but I can't help it, I can't deal with this pain. I believed it, I believed his words. I believed there was a future for me, that we could have a future together and he loved me so much that he wanted to give that to me.
I am an idiot.
I should've died the first time that I took SN but I got cold feet, I got scared and called the cops.
I wish I hadn't. The pain only grows stronger every single time, I wish I had died back then.
To be honest, I wish I hadn't been born at all.
I am sorry to everyone I am hurting with this, all of it, with me being this way. To my best friend who had to get me from the river, to him, to my other friends. I am deeply apologetic to all of them. And yet this suffering and misery, that feels like a deep ball of darkness in my chest, it steals all my energy away and makes me want to disappear…How can they understand this feeling? Can I really be faulted for wanting to die?
My words are so convoluted but there is no way to express myself besides this awkward, robotic and messy way because the pain is too great, my chest has been hurting so much I feel sick. My head hurts.
I hope to die soon, partial hanging, drowning or slicing my throat will do. I am not as afraid of pain as I used to be.
I am afraid of keeping on living like this.
Life scares me more than death, I've lived a life in fear and I want peace.
I'm sorry.
