A lot of us become addicted to the pain. I've heard stories of drug users being addicted, not to the drug, but to the crash that comes. It's a form of self-harm, IMO. Now, I should state I'm not a psychiatrist nor do I actually know what I'm talking about. This is all speculation based on rumors I've heard in my life and my own experiences. I love drugs, mostly because it helps me float above my anxieties while they still tear at the ship, but I love the following morning. the rush that comes from waking up and feeling like absolute dog-shit on a sunny day. I love this feeling because it keeps me grounded, it reminds me what a piece of shit I am and the dark world I occupy. It gives me an excuse to be self-centered in that it helps me both treat and punish myself.
I too want to feel worse, though. I've hit a plateau when it comes to suffering. Much like how, if you let yourself feel anger over an issue, that anger will naturally fizzle out. I want to feel deeper pain, part of me assumes the lack of depth comes from a life of complacency and a lack of true struggle, but when I think about the massive world out there filled with people who, even on their worst days, are able to wear so many masks, it reminds me how I'm not entirely lying to myself, there is damage there. Maybe the lack of suffering comes from a form of anhedonia, or perhaps a shut-off valve of sorts.
Suffering isn't static, though. Suffering isn't an all or nothing event. The most punished prisoners in the world can still appreciate music, and the singing of birds. Don't think that just because you're a 3 today that you won't be a 9 tomorrow.
I absolutely am stealing from Dexter when I refer to my "dark passenger" though, I love it, I love having it there whispering evil things in my ear. It's abusive, spiteful and manipulative but it reminds me how I look from the outside.
