I WANT to feel bad and suicidal

[Forever or never]

Ok so today is realy strange. I am feeling better today. I would rate on scale (1 no suicide fhoughts - 10 today iam gonna ctb) that normally im on a 4 up to 7. But today its like a 2 .
It feels really strange, its the first time in months i feel this way and i dont feel good about it. I normally want to die. Maybee not today, but i was slowly moving to the point to order some SN. And today... well i dont feel like it anymore. I want it, but i feel better, have smiled for the first time in a while, laught and so on.
I dont know how to feel.

You must know, i am a lazy c*nt that gets nothing done. And i was all the time like " yeah, ur gonna suicide no matter what one day. It doesnt even make a sense to do something for your future like study or get a job or something.
And today i am feeling better and it scares me really. Can anyone relate? Please talk to me, I'm feeling really uncomfotable... thank you guys for beeing here!

 

[k75]

So this weird thing happens when you feel extremely bad for a long time. Your sense of normal gets kind of warped. I've noticed it most with anxiety, because I have a chronic anxiety disorder. On days when I'm feeling relatively good, I feel awful. Like I have to look over my shoulder all the time, watch my back, something really, really bad is about to happen... I can't enjoy the good feelings.

It happens with suicidal ideation and depression too. Because your mind starts to think it's normal to feel so bad. So good starts to feel bad. My therapist says I have to reframe my thoughts and basically train myself to feel good again when this happens. But I found I don't often feel good enough for long enough to make a difference, and everything shifts back anyway.

So basically I totally understand what you're feeling right now, but I really don't know how to help. I'm sorry.

 

[Sensei]

Forever or never, do you know why you suffer? Do you have an illness (I do) or has something happened to you?

 

[Forever or never]

So this weird thing happens when you feel extremely bad for a long time. Your sense of normal gets kind of warped. I've noticed it most with anxiety, because I have a chronic anxiety disorder. On days when I'm feeling relatively good, I feel awful. Like I have to look over my shoulder all the time, watch my back, something really, really bad is about to happen... I can't enjoy the good feelings.

It happens with suicidal ideation and depression too. Because your mind starts to think it's normal to feel so bad. So good starts to feel bad. My therapist says I have to reframe my thoughts and basically train myself to feel good again when this happens. But I found I don't often feel good enough for long enough to make a difference, and everything shifts back anyway.

So basically I totally understand what you're feeling right now, but I really don't know how to help. I'm sorry.

You already helped me by replying in general to my post so i dont feel so lonly and especially how you described exatly whats in my mind. Thank you!

I thought about to dont take my anti depressants tomorrow but i dont know if thats a good idea. Last time i didnt took them i was found by the police just in time before ctb cause i wrote a letter to my mom and she called the police.

I dont know what to do. Any advice?
@Sensei For sure I have Depression and my psych. said its possible that im borderline.
I suffer because i was addicted to a person i loved and lived Her live with her. Instead of living my own life and share it with her, i lived HER live. Since i got depressiv i left her by saying its over when we were arguing about stupid stuff. 1 day later i apologised for weeks, but it was over for her. She was my life. Her family was also mine. Her friends were mine. I didnt had anny hobbys but always did what she liked. I was in love and addicted... I still am.
There is alot more in that happened in my childhood and so on, but for the whole story i will create an own thread. Now im just panicking about me feeling better. Sounds crazy, but its way worse than any suicidal thoughts. Help

 

[Sensei]

For sure I have Depression and my psych. said its possible that im borderline.

I see. Depression can often be cured, so don't give up. There's no denying that borderline is a serious disorder, if that is what you have, but many get helped by psychotherapy and can live more or less normal lives. This is not unfixable.

I suffer because i was addicted to a person i loved and lived Her live with her. Instead of living my own life and share it with her, i lived HER live. Since i got depressiv i left her by saying its over when we were arguing about stupid stuff. 1 day later i apologised for weeks, but it was over for her. She was my life. Her family was also mine. Her friends were mine. I didnt had anny hobbys but always did what she liked. I was in love and addicted... I still am.
There is alot more in that happened in my childhood and so on, but for the whole story i will create an own thread. Now im just panicking about me feeling better. Sounds crazy, but its way worse than any suicidal thoughts. Help

I feel with you. I've had my fair share of unhappy love and then some. It will be difficult, but you must forget her. I can tell that she has bad sides and you mustn't ignore them and idealize her. You may have lived for her, but there's no point in dying for her. She's not worth it. If you have bordline, it makes this extra painful for you, since it's a common symtom to fear separation. If that's the case, it's your illness that makes you so desperate and makes you want to hurt yourself.

Unfortunately, suffering can become something of a habit. Try to enjoy when you feel better. It won't make your pain feel worse when/if it returns.

 

[Flume]

if you want to feel terrible take some meto, that shit fucked me up BAD, I felt fucking terrible about 24h after. The label says that it can cause depression and they weren't kidding.

No but really... feeling happy is scary, when you feel good the path to recovery becomes more clear, you see how far you've felt down... and you also see you how far you have to climb back up. It's just safer to feel bad.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

So this weird thing happens when you feel extremely bad for a long time. Your sense of normal gets kind of warped. I've noticed it most with anxiety, because I have a chronic anxiety disorder. On days when I'm feeling relatively good, I feel awful. Like I have to look over my shoulder all the time, watch my back, something really, really bad is about to happen... I can't enjoy the good feelings.

It happens with suicidal ideation and depression too. Because your mind starts to think it's normal to feel so bad. So good starts to feel bad. My therapist says I have to reframe my thoughts and basically train myself to feel good again when this happens. But I found I don't often feel good enough for long enough to make a difference, and everything shifts back anyway.

So basically I totally understand what you're feeling right now, but I really don't know how to help. I'm sorry.

:( i really relate to it being used to restart the brain bc of cycles.

I find it disheartening at times bc... If you dont feel enough good or experience much good things in life... I find that it's hard to start that brain training.

 

[k75]

You already helped me by replying in general to my post so i dont feel so lonly and especially how you described exatly whats in my mind. Thank you!

I thought about to dont take my anti depressants tomorrow but i dont know if thats a good idea. Last time i didnt took them i was found by the police just in time before ctb cause i wrote a letter to my mom and she called the police.

I dont know what to do. Any advice?

I'm glad I could help a little. You're definitely not alone.

I completely understand the feeling of wanting to stop taking your medications, but I don't think you should do that. Sometimes it gets very tempting though. it's just something you need to force yourself to do, I think. It's what I have to do.

A few months ago, I started spiraling into a very dark depression. I stopped taking all of my medication, even my non-psychiatric ones. Logically, I knew it was making my situation worse but I continued to do it anyway. The worse I felt, the less inclined I was to take them, even though I knew if I started again I would feel better. I knew for a fact that I would not want to kill myself as bad if I was back on my medication, and I continued to not take it and I continued to hide that I was not taking it. I would even refill the prescriptions and then never touch them.

I finally decided to stop screwing around and sorted everything out, but even right now I'm tempted to just stop. Even though I know exactly how bad it'll make me feel and how dangerous it is.

I don't really understand why I'm like this, because I really don't like feeling this way and I don't want to hurt myself if it's preventable. It's just like a big part of me doesn't want to be stopped. I think it's the depression lying to us, and I'm not sure how to make it stop.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

This happens because you realise if you live you have to deal with your unbearable shit.
You are perplexed how it is possible to feel ok when so much bad stuff happened to you and you were going to end this and even felt relieved in a way..
And now you have to deal with problems, again, just because today you feel not that bad.

 

[rosetrapped]

I'm the same, it's kind of like planning suicide and knowing I'm going to end it is a coping method itself, it's kind of like a numbing effect because I stop worrying about everything like the future and my responsibilities, and when I'm really hurting I tell myself 'it will be over soon'. And then the only thing that makes me reconsider is my family because I feel so much guilt and I feel like I have to stay alive so I don't put this pain onto them, but then it makes my (emotional)pain worse and its so scary thinking that I'll have to carry on getting through every day like this, and living with this pain.

Idk i'm just rambling idk if anyone else feels the same :/ The people around me believe I'm borderline and I believe it too, I've been through something very similar with my ex recently and I understand how bad it hurts. Also is it okay if I ask what it was that made you feel better or if it was just random :), sending love x

 

[Moonicide]

I understand where you're coming from, love. I think it's because we're so used being depressed, in pain, as well as suffering. In many ways it's all we know and it becomes our identity in a sense... Can you remember who you were before it all went down hill? I honestly can't remember myself before then. This is who we are *now*, this is what we're living with presently. That when we do finally have a day of stability, we freak out. It is so foreign to us and in many ways it can make us feel so lost. Like what do we do? Whenever I'm having an okay day, I question everything and anything... I'm waiting for the ball to drop. Being happy, laughing, having a good time with friends, no. Something is going to happen. Something bad. Our brains are such mean creatures and it's so hard to enjoy those rare moments of being okay. It's a very scary thing to many of us.

 

[Intelligent Ape]

What I know about myself after 30+ years that is my mind have two conditions:
1. Depression and suicide thoughts
2. Boring live without feelings like a robot or an animal
When I am in fist condition paradoxaly but I do more for my live that if I am in second. I need pain, suffering and ordeals for doing something.

 

[alice-in-wonderland]

You already helped me by replying in general to my post so i dont feel so lonly and especially how you described exatly whats in my mind. Thank you!

I thought about to dont take my anti depressants tomorrow but i dont know if thats a good idea. Last time i didnt took them i was found by the police just in time before ctb cause i wrote a letter to my mom and she called the police.

I dont know what to do. Any advice?
@Sensei For sure I have Depression and my psych. said its possible that im borderline.
I suffer because i was addicted to a person i loved and lived Her live with her. Instead of living my own life and share it with her, i lived HER live. Since i got depressiv i left her by saying its over when we were arguing about stupid stuff. 1 day later i apologised for weeks, but it was over for her. She was my life. Her family was also mine. Her friends were mine. I didnt had anny hobbys but always did what she liked. I was in love and addicted... I still am.
There is alot more in that happened in my childhood and so on, but for the whole story i will create an own thread. Now im just panicking about me feeling better. Sounds crazy, but its way worse than any suicidal thoughts. Help

Oh I can so relate to that! Due to fear of losing my family I spent too much time in toxic and co-dependent relationships where I spent my life energy, money and lost will to live. Then one day my sibling told me that I subconsciously wish her to suffer. It hurt me so much - I realised that this relationship is simply not worth it.
When I started recovering I had the same weird feelings of confusion. I couldn't entirely understand the why behind it. Now I am starting to enjoy it and really want to prolong this new way of feeling - not wanting to kill myself and not being afraid of future.