I want to express something, it's really hard to put it into words but I'm trying to.

[sólstafir]

Does anyone else feel that they have no guts to live because they don't feel they're important enough to themselves to fight for something, live for something, create illusions called dreams in their head and then chasing them?
You know... life consists of these little battles every day, and I can't live because... I'm not intrested in these inner battles because absolutely everyone are alone even if we have a partner. I mean... the best we can communicate with eachother is through empathy, saying 'I relate to you', 'I understand', 'I've felt the same'. But the loneliness of every single life, the burden of life, I always have to carry it alone. There is no such person who has the exact same parents, home, past relationships, experiences as I do. Everywhere I go, I'm alone with me, my memories. And it's like... I'm not intrested in carrying the life inside me. I have to be so important to myself, but I'm not. Even crying tears of joy which I've done many times in life is just too much for me. Or...choosing an education, you have to carry the interest inside you, you have to put yourself nr 1 person inside your mind. I don't have an education, a job, partner, anything, and I don't feel like I'm a loser deep inside, because... If I had it, I'd have to step into real life, being connected with myself and being 'inside' of something, but I'm... watching world from outside in, being not part of anything, I'm not a character at all, I don't have a vibe that attracts people, I don't have inner value for my own life. And what is this life really, I basically have to choose from the same things like others do, and if I was another teacher or nurse, I'd just add up the statistic of teachers and nurses in the world, while having no real meaning of it for myself. Profession is just a title for me, it's there to define yourself somehow in the world in which I have no sincere interest in.
If I was my own religion and philosophy, being the meaning of my own life, and accepting it sincerely (the loneliness too), life could be a pleasant trip with myself. But I don't have the guts, I'm not that important to myself.

 

[longingforrelease]

Does anyone else feel that they have no guts to live because they don't feel they're important enough to themselves to fight for something, live for something, create illusions called dreams in their head and then chasing them?
You know... life consists of these little battles every day, and I can't live because... I'm not intrested in these inner battles because absolutely everyone are alone even if we have a partner. I mean... the best we can communicate with eachother is through empathy, saying 'I relate to you', 'I understand', 'I've felt the same'. But the loneliness of every single life, the burden of life, I always have to carry it alone. There is no such person who has the exact same parents, home, past relationships, experiences as I do. Everywhere I go, I'm alone with me, my memories. And it's like... I'm not intrested in carrying the life inside me. I have to be so important to myself, but I'm not. Even crying tears of joy which I've done many times in life is just too much for me. Or...choosing an education, you have to carry the interest inside you, you have to put yourself nr 1 person inside your mind. I don't have an education, a job, partner, anything, and I don't feel like I'm a loser deep inside, because... If I had it, I'd have to step into real life, being connected with myself and being 'inside' of something, but I'm... watching world from outside in, being not part of anything, I'm not a character at all, I don't have a vibe that attracts people, I don't have inner value for my own life. And what is this life really, I basically have to choose from the same things like others do, and if I was another teacher or nurse, I'd just add up the statistic of teachers and nurses in the world, while having no real meaning of it for myself. Profession is just a title for me, it's there to define yourself somehow in the world in which I have no sincere interest in.
If I was my own religion and philosophy, being the meaning of my own life, and accepting it sincerely (the loneliness too), life could be a pleasant trip with myself. But I don't have the guts, I'm not that important to myself.

Thanks for sharing that. I'm not quite sure I followed all of what you were trying to get across, but honestly, from your description of a basic lack of interest in things in general, a pervasive sense of loneliness, and a sense that you find no meaning in the things that often seem to giver others meaning all sounds like classic symptoms of depression my friend, I'm no MD so take what I say with a grain of salt, but as one among many here who have suffered depression and bipolar, what you describe sounds familiar. I will say, that even though I've suffered through long years of depression I was able to find meaning, satisfaction, even joy in some of the things you mentioned: getting an education, landing a career, having a family, those things were treasures to me. They are all, however, lost to me now, but I can attest to having found meaning in life in various ways. Unfortunately mental and behavioral illness took all that away from me. But you might still find meaning out there. I hope you do

 

[AlePizarnik]

I don't feel enthousiastic about things. Other than reading philosophy and being a pessimist/realist. I work to survive but I don't think I'm a "useful" member of society, simply because I think society is useless.
I also have this feeling of loneliness you describe.