Venting I want to end my life, I feel trapped

[Hell-On-Earth]

I don't usually make these sorts of posts but I'm just so angry and lost, and I don't know what to do.

A few weeks back I attempted to ctb using SN. I'd just got out of a psyc ward, I was there for 6 weeks. I messed up the attempt as I took too many benzos, blacked out, and started shouting stuff which alerted my family. I woke up in A&E after which I was sectioned and put back into a psyc ward for another 2 weeks. On my release I found that my family had taken away all my pills and remaining SN. They now open all my mail so ordering more stuff in is a nightmare.

If I'm unable to order more SN (my only hope is a PO box) I just don't know what to do. I was trying to jump in front of a train a few days back but couldn't bring myself to do it. I did by a rope and make a noose today but I live in a busy city and I have no idea where I'd find a good place for full suspension. I found one tree in one of the woods nearby but I'm terrified of being found and then suffering in a vegetative state for the rest of my life.

The psyc wards didn't help at all, they actually made me worse, and now I have no SN and might have to risk hanging myself in a place where I could be found. I hope to god the PO box works out.

This is actually hell. I don't want to be alive.

 

[CandyCane]

Psych wards 100% make it worse. It's too bad someone can't just have a conversation with you, listen to what's actually wrong, realize you have capacity to decide, and hand you some nembutal. I'm sorry. I hope something improves to make it worth staying, or, if not, you can't find a peaceful exit.

 

[Cryptonite]

Just reading this makes my blood boil.

I hope in your strength and your success. You will find relief, I'm sure.

 

[thx1138]

This is so sad. You are going through a very rough time. I hope everything works out well for you.

Love your avatar by the way :D I was just watching this movie recently.

It's a shame that good people have to deal with issues like this. And yes, psych wards are not exactly helpful for anything other than preventing you from dying temporarily. Sincerest wishes for you to feel better soon.

 

[almaranthine]

Six weeks is such a long time to be committed. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It must have been awful. I've never spent more than 4 days in a psych facility and I have mental wounds from those experiences that will never go away. I hope something works out for you. It breaks my heart that you had to suffer so much because of your attempt.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's beyond horrifying how in this life others make it as difficult as possible for us to leave behind a life that we never asked for. People shouldn't have to struggle so much in finding ways to die, this world really is so cruel and nightmarish and I understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here when all that you want is to be gone. It must be so awful what you have been through, I wish you freedom.

 

[mojabaka]

why is suicide so hard but being born into this shot world is so easy. I don't understand? Everything is so unfair! I'm sorry for what you've been through.

 

[NoWayOut22]

That sucks what You went through.

I know what you mean, I used Sn recently and rang the paramedics, I was not aware it would take as long as it did for me to start losing conscious.
I Had to have methylene blue and my urine was blue for 2/3 days after. I was even vomitting blue liquid in the emergency unit.
I was surprised how much it turned my lips/face blue. But heres the great part, I only used paracetomol before hand and didnt eat for 12 hours.
I now know i dont need A/E or sedatives, next time i just need SN an d paracetomols. Mind you, i was surprised how my breathing went so shallow and i lost balance and collapsed a few times. I was definitely restless but I know next time I wont ring the ambulance up. Stupid IC has that age restriction thing. I will order from another site.
This world gets more pathetic by the day, and now i regret ringing the paramedics.
Ringing them up is going to eat me up for a long time, If i hadnt i was on my way to death my BPM was 190.

Never mind, I hope we all get what we want, for me, thats off this shit hole existence called earth.

You live and learn. Back to the drawing board as they say!!